Angry dh threw cup of tea

[cupofteainbed]

Ok, the background will sound abit contradictory but bear with me. Dh and I are going through some stuff , mainly dealing with my anger. I have explosive anger and I'm dealing with it at the moment. I'm pregnant and we have two dc. I do get angry at them and dh, and most of my immediate family, his immediate family and generally have issues in my relationships (only just realising this and I'm working on it).

Cut to today. Yesterday dh was off sick from work and as it's a rare occurrence I tried my best to look after him. He was really appreciate and happy last night and said he felt really loved.

This morning he was still poorly and asked who's taking the dc to school (his job usually). I said can you please, he said ok. He came back and lay on the sofa watching tv while I was doing some admin work. After about an hour he said I kept snapping at him. I didn't think I was. I get up and say I'm going to the bedroom. He jumps up and says he'll go to work. He then goes to make himself a cup of tea and goes to the bedroom to get ready. I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude. He flies into a rage and throws some boxes on the floor and spills the cup of tea all over the bed

I am absolutely fucking shocked and fuming, he left for work straight after and I've controlled myself from calling or texting him like I usually do with a string of awful messages - but what the hell??? I thought I was the one with issues.
I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly.

[cupofteainbed]

I suppose I should also add that as my anger issues are quite long standing, he's become less and less patient with me and with the dc I've noticed. It's like he's had too much shit to deal with and won't take any more. Which I totally understand. But spilling a cup of tea all over the bed?????

[Greenfingeredfun]

So he spilt it. He didn't throw it. Doesn't sound like he meant the tea to spill all over the bed. You sound bloody hard work tbh

[cupofteainbed]

No he actually dumped it all over the bed deliberately !

[cupofteainbed]

green I am hard work and that's why I've given the background, I'm trying my best to change, and am having help.

I just think deliberately spilling a cup of tea all over the bed is insane. Even in my angriest moment I've never done that.

[LivininaBox]

Your OP is a bit hard to understand. Did he actually throw the cup of tea or spill it? Sounds like he maybe threw the boxes and spilt the tea. Was he throwing stuff at you, or did he just say kick the boxes in a temper and they fell over?

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

So your issue have been ongoing for long time and he's coming to the end of his tether. Why you think only you are allowed to geg angry and not hom?

[Cynara]

So your anger is lond standing, but he has one outburst and you're shocked and fuming? Tbh if my partner told me I should be grateful because he'd looked after me for one day when I was unwell, I'd be pretty pissed off too. You do indeed sound like hard work.

[LivininaBox]

Sorry cross post, but I can't really understand how you would angrily spill a cup of tea on a bed. Was he in the bed?

[cupofteainbed]

Sorry the op was vague - by spilt I mean he flung the tea all over the bed and then put the cup back on the dresser the bed was soaked and I've had to strip it down to the mattress.

He wasn't throwing anything at me, there were a few boxes of stuff stacked in the bedroom, and he pushed them over and they fell on the floor. They're sealed though and nothing broke so I'm not upset about that - it's the tea that's really made me fume. It just seems so horrible for some reason.

[PickAChew]

Do you have another bed you can sleep in tonight? Because that's the one he'll be sleeping in.

It sounds like an horribly stressful way to live though? What are you doing about working on not being angry? If you have no outside help with that, then it's time to find it before you relationship completely implodes.

[PickAChew]

And I mean that he's sleeping on the wet one.

[Eolian]

Hard to tell what's going on here, as you only describe his behaviour, not your own. It's difficult to say whether he is overreacting- what were you saying that made him think you were repeatedly snapping at him? It seems a bit odd to admit you have regular explosive anger but then be so shocked at one incident if tea-spilling from him.

[cupofteainbed]

pick no there's no other bed. We're already really tight for space and moving soon hence the boxes piled in every corner and there's no spare bedroom.

[RatherBeRiding]

What are you doing to deal with your anger issues? Are you getting professional help, because it sounds as though that's the cause of this and your DH sounds at the end of his tether.

It's all very well recognising that you get angry ("explosively angry") with everyone, but that's just the first step. You need professional help, and fast, if your marriage is to stand any chance of surviving.

So tea ended up on the bed? Big deal. I actually feel sorry for your DH and your DC.

[ElspethFlashman]

I say he whys he rushing off like this and I've been looking after him since yday and he's not grateful and has a nasty attitude

I'm actually really confused as to why he got angry so suddenly

I'm not.

[gamerchick]

So in a nutshell you were nice to him for one day out of hundreds of having 'explosive anger' and you want him to be grateful. He was still poorly and you wouldn't take the kids to school?

YOU sound like the problem here. If you were a dude on here with your opening post, you would be labelled as an abuser and your partner told to take the kids and get out out/leave. Saying you're trying to change is just words. It didn't last very long.

[stitchglitched]

Sounds like he has reached the end of his tether. Your behaviour and words to him were unpleasant and if that is you working on your anger I dread to think how you were treating him before.

[cupofteainbed]

I asked him a few questions about the admin work I was doing It's for his business and he jokingly said how do you manage to do this when I'm not here to which I replied do you think I need you to do my work, I do it every day, or something along them lines. He said you're so defensive etc etc.

[ElspethFlashman]

And if he was obviously still poorly, why didn't you bring the kids to school instead of him? That would have bothered me tbh.

[EverythingEverywhere1234]

You sound like an absolute pain the arse tbh. So you admit yourself you have 'explosive anger' which is directed at both your DH and your DC, your family, his family.. Everyone by the sounds of it and you are only just admitting you've a problem. That's great and it's good you're getting help but you can't expect there to be one rule for you (or indeed, no rules) and one for him. You are the one with issues. Normally you'd send him a string of abusive messages, you sound bloody horrible and of course his patience for your shit is wearing thin. I think you're trying to save face tbh as you say he spilt it in the OP, not that he threw it.
Besides anything else, he was ill, you were unwilling to help him out by takign the kids to school then sniped and griped at him until he got to the end of his tether then had a go and said he was ungrateful.
He sounds like a saint to me!

[scottishdiem]

It can be very hard to live with someone who has your anger issues OP. Constantly walking on eggshells is no fun and today he lost it. What he did was wrong but, having gone through this with an Ex, sometimes there is no mental space left but to do something futile yet demonstrative. Like the tea on the bed. There is a wall somewhere with more than a few indentations caused by my hitting them when I had to have a release.

I think you need to be told you have, unfortunately, no reason to be "bsolutely fucking shocked and fuming". You say you are the one with the issues but please be aware you are giving your DH issues as well and the tea on the bed is symptomatic of that. If he was experiencing anything like I had to go through his main thoughts were about escape. Sorry.

Just as you want and need him to be patient with you, you need to show him the same.

[champagneplanet]

what gamerchick said.

you sound hard work and from the title I thought he'd literally threw a cup of tea (possibly at someone).

[BaDumShh]

Agree with EverythingEverywhere. OP you sound like a bloody nightmare to live with.

[stitchglitched]

Yes your title is misleading.

[cupofteainbed]

No he definitely deliberately spilt it.

The reason why I'm shocked is probably because one minute he was lying down and the next he was spilling tea over the bed. I wasn't angry at that point , so how did he get so angry and so fast? I'm not saying it because he's not allowed to get angry, it's just that usually he reacts to my anger but this time I wasn't angry - if that makes sense at all.