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Is my 20 year old son behaving like a spoilt brat, or am i wrong?

(45 Posts)
feellikerunningaway Mon 23-Jan-17 02:12:39

I split up with my partner a few months ago. My son hates him with good reason maybe, my ex was always good to my kids but did have a lot of tantrums with me. I was a single mum before I met my partner and my kids seemed to think I was superwoman. I spoilt and pampered them with love and anything they wanted although I had little money, I suppose I was overcompensating, the single parent guilt kicking in.
They have seen my mental and physical health deteriorate over the years, my failed relationship was just the icing on the cake, its been a combination of things - the stress of being a lone parent for so long, being made redundant, depression and anxiety which was probably caused by a childhood I can't tell my kids about. It's all come to a head after all these years. Plus the constant physical pain im in.
I'm trying to help myself, I have finally after more than ten years been taken seriously by my gp and have appointments for counselling which I know I desperately need. I am also having a small procedure under sedation to hopefully ease my physical pain so I can walk and move about properly again. However, since I split with exp my son has been an absolute arse to me, his attitude stinks. He could see how much I was hurting mentally and physically and he never has one good word to say to me, not one. I've tried and tried to explain to him depression is an illness (and he should know, he's had it) and he just says he doesn't want to "listen to my bullshit". He bitterly resents having to help out in the house (and its a rather large house i'm struggling to cope with).
I don't ask him to do anything normally but since ive been in pain and on my own I've asked him to vacuum (not every day), put a bit of washing in, help with the cooking, empty the bins and make his own sandwiches for college. (Basically anything that involves bending or lifting puts me in severe pain at the moment).
The way he speaks to me on a daily basis is vile and depresses me even more. I have tried to explain it wont always be like this and as soon as I can solve my physical pain I can get to my appointments and work on everything else. My daughter told me that ds purposely smashed a bottle all over the kitchen floor the other day because i'd put it in the bin rather than the recycling. I only did that because at the time I couldn't walk as far as the recycling bin! I asked him why he did it? He could have cut the dog's feet to ribbons. He said because he felt like it, was sick of the shit.
The shit being this apparently - I have had no choice but to get back in touch with exp. I can't drive, I cant walk, I suffer badly with panic attacks. I have no friends local to me. There is literally no one else to take me to my appointments, no one. My mum can't walk herself, I have no other family within hundreds of miles. Ds is making things so difficult for me. Exp has been down (we aren't together, just on speaking terms now), cleaned the house for me, taken me shopping, is willing to take me to any appointment I need to go to. For all the problems we had, he has always been reliable and has never let me down once. Ds has point blank refused to let exp in the house so I allowed him in anyway while ds was in college. Ds found out and went mad. He has threatened to start trouble if he even sees exp's car on our drive, I've begged him not to, I cant take any more arguments and nastiness, that is NOT going to help my anxiety. I've told him, look, I don't expect you to be his best pal, i'm not saying you have to like him, but sometimes in life you have to tolerate people in order to help someone you care about, that's just how it works.
"fuck that" was his answer. (which is pretty much his answer to everything). I have been angry with ds to be honest but I haven't said anything. He's seen me wander around needing a bath lately but being unable to have one in case I have a fall. He's not even willing to sit by the bathroom door for five minutes because he has "my own life". When I think of the bloody hours I sat awake at night watching him breathe after he had an asthma attack, I feel so hurt.
Am I expecting too much of him? His best friend does more for me than he does! If he sees something, he cleans it up to help me. I hate saying this but my son just seems so spoilt and selfish.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Mon 23-Jan-17 02:22:22

There's no easy answer here.

You've allowed him to treat you like shit for so long that he now does it freely, without consequence.

What do you mean, you have asked him to not start trouble with your exP? Asked him? ASKED HIM?! Are you on glue?

You need to tell the arrogant little shit that he lives under YOUR roof and therefore lives by YOUR rules. If he so much as says hello in a less than greeting tone, you will pack his shit up and throw him out. How dare he tell you how things are going to be in your house?! He is your child!

YOU are the boss and, quite frankly, you need to get a grip and take control of your relationship with your child before he loses what little respect he has left for you.

I know the above may seem harsh to you but I just utterly fail to grasp how a parent could accept this behaviour from their child.

I hope your health problems are sorted soon flowers

MrsBlennerhassett Mon 23-Jan-17 02:22:55

That all sounds really hard both for you and for him. flowers
He probably feels under an incredible amount of pressure.
Hes 20 years old so yes should be doing a lot more to help out but you dont go into detail about what happened with your ex.. was he violent or agressive to you in front of your son? If so this may be your sons reaction to that... anger that you ask for his help yet put yourself in the position of being around someone who has abused you. It may be that he has witnessed the pain this man caused you and is afraid to have to deal with that again. It can be very difficult for children even if they have grown up to see their parents constantly struggle to be happy. Its a lot to deal with and may feel suffocating.
Is he living with you by choice? has he the option to move out or do you want him to be there? you say hes at college, does he work as well?

Ohdearducks Mon 23-Jan-17 02:28:01

He's an adult and still expects you to run about and clean up after him? Even if you're we're able bodied that would be unacceptable! The fact you're unwell and unable to take care of yourself let alone him and he's behaving like this towards you is disgusting! Absolutely awful, he sounds emotionally abusive towards you to be honest.

You are NOT his maid, I can't quite believe that you even have to ask him to help around the house, at his age he should be doing it regardless, how will he cope in his own home if he expects mummy to be running around after him? Does he pay any keep?
OP you don't need this behaviour from him and you certainly don't deserve it, he has no respect for you in your own home and seems to have no empathy for your situation which is appalling given that you are his mum!
You need to seriously consider if you want him living there any longer, if he were mine he'd be out the door and fending for himself.
What specifically is his problem with your Ex? Was he abusive to you? To the children?

antimatter Mon 23-Jan-17 02:34:10

He can't make his own sandwiches?
Yes, he is an entitled and spoiled adult.

I would first would put him straight in ecpectations about how to speak to his mother. I guess you are also giving him some pocket money. Thst would go if he breaks my rules.

feellikerunningaway Mon 23-Jan-17 02:36:02

I want him here, yes of course I do. He's at college but doesn't have a job. He is bloody lazy if i'm honest. He's quite immature for his age. He's never had a gf, never been hurt, never lost anyone, he doesn't live in the real world. My own fault, I've always shielded my kids from any form of nastiness, always "magically" sorted their problems out. But i'm not supermummy anymore and I don't think he can handle the fact im not immortal!

feellikerunningaway Mon 23-Jan-17 02:40:15

My ex had tantrums ducks, never violent, never at the kids, just childish tantrums at me. He's actually arranged counselling for himself now to understand why he does it. (it's no lie, I've seen the letters).

Ohdearducks Mon 23-Jan-17 02:48:45

If you don't want him to move out you will need to make it very clear that his behaviour is unacceptable and you won't tolerate any further outbursts or abuse from him, he's also to pull his weight and have some damn respect for his mum.
He needs to get a job to fit around college and start paying his way aswell and under no circumstances is he to dictate who can and can't come in to your home.
Sorry but you need to toughen up with him, allowing him to walk over you like this is doing him no favours, think how he'll treat any future girlfriends or a wife if he's so comfortable to treat his own mother so poorly.

feellikerunningaway Mon 23-Jan-17 03:12:09

I'm so stuck. My own mother won't let them grow up. Example, last Saturday ds was on his playstation, I was playing on my phone, dd was on her ipad, all lovely and calm in the lounge. My mum phones up as ds was going to the shop for her, She must have asked him whether they had tea. It was 8pm, they hadn't, i'd asked them repeatedly earlier on and they had both said they weren't hungry yet. Ds then came back with a whole bag full of takeaway. I called her and asked why. She screamed down the phone at me that I was neglecting my children. I have a house full of food! Ok, i'm in too much pain to stand and do a full cooked bloody roast but I would have done them an easy meal or ds could have cooked himself pizza and chips or whatever. For goodness sake they are 13 and 20, they are not babies! What am I supposed to do? Ram food down their throats? I cant win. So she didn't speak to me for days. I ironed dd's uniform last night an I ended up literally hopping on one leg crying in pain (funny but not funny). Does no one believe how much pain im in?

faithinthesound Mon 23-Jan-17 03:40:03

You say you told him that it won't always be like this - which I take to mean, asking him to help out with the vacuuming laundry etc will stop when you've had this procedure to put paid to the pain.


Why shouldn't he be doing all that stuff anyway? Not because you're poorly, not because you're unable to do it, but because he's a person who lives in this house and can bloody well contribute to the running of it? He doesn't have a job, so he's not bringing any money in either. You're allowing him to act like a five year old, so that's exactly what he's doing.

Time for new rules, I think, OP. Rules about "these are your jobs, you do them or consequences." "Speak to me with respect, or consequences." And consequences could be anything from "loss of playstation" (lock it in a cupboard, see how the lazy fecker likes that) to "If you can't respect me, you're no longer welcome in this house". And he should damn well get a job and start paying board if he's going to live in your house. This is the real world, and while I'm appalled at him, I'm also aware that you're doing him no favors by not teaching him some real world rules.

feellikerunningaway Mon 23-Jan-17 03:44:38

Oh forgot to mention, one day about two months ago ds saw me crawling up the stairs crying in pain, it took me about ten minutes in total. Did he help me? Nope. He walked past me straight out of the front door.

feellikerunningaway Mon 23-Jan-17 03:48:39

Sorry faith xposted. He wont do it, he'll just leave and then i'll have my mother take his side like he's a little baby who I've abandoned.

Ohdearducks Mon 23-Jan-17 03:55:41

You have got to make a stand, let him bloody leave and let your mum run around after him, so what if she thinks you've abandoned him? You know it's not true so let her think what she wants! She sounds as awful as he is, let them get together and crack on with it, just ignore any calls or texts from her. She sounds ridiculous and frankly nuts if she thinks they're still babies who need spoon feeding.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Mon 23-Jan-17 03:58:08

I think you'd be well within your right to kick his ass out.

He can go to your mother's.

feellikerunningaway Mon 23-Jan-17 04:00:16

I cant. She's an alcoholic and will kill herself drinking if she worries about me. It will be my fault.

Ohdearducks Mon 23-Jan-17 04:02:32

No she won't, does she threaten you with suicide? What is it you propose to do about your situation are just going to let it continue as it is?

NightWanderer Mon 23-Jan-17 04:04:47

A friend of mine badly hurt her back and was hospitalised for it. Her husband was bloody nasty to her during that time. While she was at home and in bed, he wouldnt even take her up a cup of tea. Once she was better and well enough to work and take care of the house again, he was back to normal. But we all felt so sorry for her during that time. I guess your sons behaviour reminds me of her husbands behaviour. It was like he was punishing her for not being superwoman anymore. I think was a mixture of fear and selfishness. You cant rely on your son now, so just get through this as best you can. Once you are better and stronger, start working on your sons behaviour.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Mon 23-Jan-17 04:05:39

Oh OP.

I can only imagine how upsetting this is. But her alcoholism and insecurity is not your fault. And it's not your job to make her "better."

Even if it were, you're unwell. You can't take care of anyone until you yourself are cared for.

You obviously care very much for everyone. It's time to care about yourself.

feellikerunningaway Mon 23-Jan-17 04:07:08

I don't know ducks, she doesn't threaten me with suicide but a bottle of brandy a day isn't good is it? She's a mess. Blames it on me for worrying her but that's nothing new.

feellikerunningaway Mon 23-Jan-17 04:09:36

Thanks Night, I know exactly what you mean smile

Ohdearducks Mon 23-Jan-17 04:09:52

So she's manipulative and abusing alcohol, do believe the things she says to you?

Atenco Mon 23-Jan-17 04:10:27

Ok, just putting this out there in case it rings any bells. Was he well-behaved before you split up? A friend of mine was in an abusive relationship for eleven years and after she split up with her partner her son in his late teens started to play up. In his case he had been on his best behaviour for six years because of the behaviour of his step-dad, so he hadn't gone through normal teenage rebellion to protect his mother, so he was only free to do so when the abusive partner was gone.

Not much help to you and I am so sorry you are going through this, sounds horrible.

feellikerunningaway Mon 23-Jan-17 04:12:40

noncommittal, i'm constantly told i'm selfish for being ill. I'm starting to believe it. My ex did, (not now), my mum, my son, my aunt (for upsetting my mum by being ill).

feellikerunningaway Mon 23-Jan-17 04:15:43

Atenco, no to be honest as soon as my son hit 13 he was a nightmare and I wasn't with exp then didn't even know him. ds changed overnight became withdrawn, moody, dismissive.

feellikerunningaway Mon 23-Jan-17 04:20:56

He went through a stage of just wanting to be with his dad and his wife because they were like a proper family not a lone parent family, it broke my heart at the time because I couldn't help being single!

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