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Is he emotionally unavailable or emotionally abuse..need help :((45 Posts)
This is long, so please bare with me as Id rather not drip feed :
Ive been on my own for 5 years since splitting with my husband and Im in my mid forties, I had a year long relationship with a man but ended it because he was emotionally unavailable and not over his ex, no other reason as he treated me well but there was no love sadly.
4 years ago I met a man through a work colleague and hit it off as friends, he lived 4 hours from me but we stayed in touch on facebook, hed recently split from his girlfriend and was a bit low so we chatted, it was only ever as friends and a few months later I was pleased to see he had met someone else and moved in with her, then they started a joint business venture. They seemed very happy, although I got bored of seeing the constant tagging of each other on facebook on a daily basis about how much they loved each other so was very surprised to see they had suddenly and unexpectedly split this summer.
He seemed devastated so I started chatting to him more...in the conversations he said he wasnt sure if had loved her or not towards the end but they had both been running the business ( a hotel) and were so busy he had barely had time for the relationship, she had ended it and had booted him out of the place they ran together.
There were endless hours of phonecalls and as the weeks went by we got closer and he invited me down to visit..I told myself I was going as a friend even though I knew I had feelings for him, the warning signs were there as there were obviously millions of loose ends to tie up wrt the business and daily heated email exchanges between him and his ex (she had met someone else) When I got down there, we did get together and things became intense.. we had a lot of common ground inc music so would sit up all night talking and listening to music, he told me he was over his GF, but not over what had happened as hed lost his business and his home ( he was living in his parents holiday apartment) and had found a new job but it felt menial to him.
I noticed he seemed to be a heavy drinker..straight to the pub after work then home to sink several cans of lager, hed obviously been doing it for years and was so hardened to it that he didnt seem drunk ever. (red flag I know), but of course he spun me the line that his ex had mentally abused him, in the last two years of their relationship and he had become a heavy drinker to blot it out, I foolishly believed him.
He warned me he wasnt ready for a relationship , but said he wanted to see "where things went" I knew I should have got out quick but I was already emotionally invested..like a bloody fool..he told me he already had deep feelings for me and that he was falling for me..I believed him...
Over the next month, I visited him nearly every weekend, on his request, in between he would message me morning noon and night and call every night for at least a couple of hours, each time always telling me how he was falling for me etc, when I visited he introduced me to his brother, work colleagues and friends ( but always as a friend ) but at the end of the day he had been upfront and said he didnt want a relationship, however he contradicted himself by holding my hand when we were about, holding my hands across the table when we ate out which was a lot and taking heaps of pictures of me constantly, he would constantly bang on about how it was a timing issue and that when he had sorted all the crap out with his ex ( worse to come was a huge unpaid bill to HMRC which was going to render him bankrupt), he could commit to me.
One thing I did notice was that he had a lot of ex girlfriends on facebook and seemed to still be in touch with them all , possible red flag but I ignored.Hes never married or had children and his longest relationship was 6 years, he always seemed to have really fickle reasons for eneding relationships, which seemed bizarre, one girl he seemed to carry a torch for years later and still has on fb, but said, it ended because he felt he was holding her back, so let her go, of course she has now become in his eyes, the one that got away, he even said that himself..
I have very little body confidence ( overweight, stretch marks ), he is attractive and all his exs have been very attractive, yet he would tell me I was beautiful, amazing, and made me feel very special..
Unfortunately, he seemed to have a habit of calling late at night after lots of beers and declaring his undying love, so I always wondered if he felt it as much as he implied, he also seemed to conveniently forget things he had said, and tell me I had imagined it, when I knew he had said it.
He told me his ex accused him of being abusive but said, it wasnt true and that he used to drink to avoid her and one night got so fed up of her winding him up, he threw a glass across the bar ( in their hotel) that alarmed me, I also emails from her in which she claimed the relationship died because he drank himself into oblivion everynight, never contributed towards the running of the business, slept all day , ranted and raved at her in drunken fits and essentially killed the relationship himself..
every day he would harrass her with emails demanding answers and at one point she begged him to leave her alone and accused him of stalking her, he replied of course that he hated he guts ( he would show me all these emails bizarrely)
One time when I was there, he offered me his ipad to use for something I needed to do while he was out, when I opened it, a notification popped up from a dating site and when I went to the app, I was gutted to see he was a fully paid up member of a dating site similiar to tinder and although most hadnt replied, in the space of a week, he had favourited about 50 women between 18 and 50 and harrassed a lot of them with constant requests to chat. I said nothing, went home upset, then confronted him on the phone, he was drunk, and ranted at me saying hed make it clear he didnt want a relationship, from that point on, he ignored my calls all night and just sent me nasty text messages saying, he had nothing, he was nothing, he had made it clear etc etc..
the next eve, he called me again after drinking, saying how much he loved me but that he didnt deserve me...I was so upset, I pulled back from him saying I didnt want to contact him from a while, he then proceeded to call me up all day telling me I was the best thing that ever happened and he didnt want to lose me..this cycle continued up to christmas with him either sending me a barrage of abusive texts because Id tried to call him, or ringing me late at night telling me how much he loved me, but that he was "fucked up " etc..he then confessed he had met up with a woman he had, had a FWB arrangement with over ten years ago, who was much younger than him, but that nothing had happened and he wanted to be honest with me..
He came to stay for New Year, and on New Years eve I took him to my friends, where he seemed to be having a great tie, but sadly getting more and more drunk, when we finally left, he started yelling at me saying Id ignored him all eve, hadnt introduced him to anyone and he had the worst night ever, I was stunned and upset, he then said I was killing any chance of us having a future..
next day..he woke in a pool of his own urine...hardly suprising...it transpired he had wet the bed every night for a year before his relationship ended and thats one other reason why shed had enough, he blamed her..so New Years Day, he stood there and told me it was my fault, and that I had stressed him out !..the next couple of days were odd as he then behaved as though nothing had happened, and proceeded to take heaps of pics of us both, tagging me on fb saying what a great time he was having..then went home and called me up saying, sorry it wont work, you live too far away and we arent compatible, he sounded cold and deadpan....literally hours later he called me asking me to visit, foolishly I did, last week...he was all over me saying how happy he was to see me and have me there, but seemed very stressed and anxious ( I also discovered he had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and referred for smoking cessation )
two days later as we got into bed, he said..he didnt want to see me again, he said he was sorry but that he loved me and I was very special, but that it was building too quickly, we were too close and it was turning into a relationship and he simply couldnt give me that right now, he then said, I was amazing and deserved so much more than him, he was crying at this point..next day I went home devastated but when I called that night to try and get an explanantion, all I got was a barrage of angry texts from him saying he was fucked in the head and hed been honest from the start, he then called and said he didnt want to lose my friendship and that who knew what might happen down the line...
next day I sent a couple of upset texts which I shouldnt have done, and he responded saying he had always wanted me..but not now Id turned into a stalker ! He then called and tried to placate me saying he was a fuck up and I didnt get him etc etc he had nothing, his life was shit, no friends, going bankrupt etc etc....but that all we could be now were friends who chatted on fb........and thats where it has been left and I feel devastated, my friends are divided, some say he sounds like an abusive twat, but some of my other friends have said he may genuinelly be screwed up by his relationship breakdown but that I should offer my friendship...I cant stop crying as he has ceased all contact with me and today I dropped him a fb message asking how he was and just got a one word message back....I feel so empty and upset that he could just cut me out of his life and I can meaning nothing overnight
Thanks shakeyospeare could you elaborate, do you think he is abusive ?
OMG OP, you had me at woke up in pool of his own piss every night...
where to start: alcoholic, abusive, bankrupt, violent.. I'm sorry you're feeling sad about it but I'm really failing to see what you ever ever saw that was remotely positive...!!
IMO he is not worth it. Who wants all this hassle and not even be in a relationship yet? It's easier said than done but try to forget about him.
He's a chronic alcoholic. He is not available for a relationship and he is clearly telling you that, in between other contradictory messages. He is both unavailable and highly abusive. You need to block him in every possible way and change your phone number.
Who cares if he's abusive, he's vile. Move on.
Oh my days! Hes an alcoholic. I think you really need to stay away from him to protect yourself. He needs to sort himself out and not around you where he is potentially putting you in danger or at the very least under an incredible amount of stress.
Maybe he doesnt intend to be abusive and is genuinely just a psychological mess... but he is still being abusive and you need to protect yourself from that.
Why ON EARTH are you wasting your precious time with this loser?? Dump him and run and DON'T LOOK BACK.
Oh dear God who needs the drama! He's way too much hard work OP, unless you like men who are 'projects' I would definitely give this guy the brush off.
He's a proper headfuck and he won't change.
You can do a lot better, OP.
Abusive, alcoholic, you can't fix Jim. You are wasting your life.
Thanks everyone..I guess I just needed enough people to actually say it..my friend pointed out that even if he wasnt an alcoholic and was available..he would probably still treat me like dirt..I guess deep down I just hoped that he would sort his shit out because of course when he is being lovely..its wonderful...no I dont want a project at all..
also he was or seemed very different when I met him a few years ago, so I was clinging on to the vision of the man I thought he was.
I think you should read back your post and pretend it's written by another MN user.
Your his "pick me up" when he is feeling down and you have gone running to him over and over again, despite being fully aware of all the red flags that get worse and worse as you read through your post.
To answer your question, he is emotional unavailable, emotionally abusive, more than likely shagging a lot of other women, an alcoholic, abusive, treats you like shit and hung up on his ex-girlfriends.
Not qualities I find attractive in a man.
X-post - the person you thought he was doesn't exist. You really can do so so much better.
Lovely men do exist, this one isn't lovely.
thanks Penguins yep, it sounds awful doesnt it..I feel utterly used and abused
Wow what a charmer he is......
He told you he is fucked up in the head - he most certainly is.
You've had a lucky escape. Just block him from all social media, texts, phone calls and move on, because if you keep on going around in circles with this loser he is going to seriously fuck your head/life up!
It really does sound awful
Thankfully you have seen it now, so you can make a clean break and focus on you
Your not the first to be sucked in by him
or someone like him and you won't be the last, but you can move forward for you now your much better off without his drama
@Blackbird82 Its slowly dawning on me..that none of it was real, I feel sick tbh, he lied a lot to me about the dating sites too, claimed he didnt message people on there when I had seen it with my own eyes
@Pemguinsandpebbles I feel bereft because he was so convincing, I really thought initially it was all timing. He sent me a huge bouquet of flowers for no reason and gave me a big "To someone Special " christmas card and wrote.. "all my love xxx in it..no wonder I was confused
He's right, he is a fuck up. Not your problem, don't make it yours. Block/delete him.
How can you respect a grown man who pisses the bed most nights let alone that other dating site crap? < shudder >
I'm sure that you can do so much better.
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