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I want to be a better mum tomorrow...(20 Posts)
Hi all, I'm new here but a friend talks so highly of you all I thought IDE come and say hi....so hi!!!
Please forgive me know if I seem like a moaner, but I desperately need to get stuff off my chest and I have no one I can talk to. Don't get me wrong, I have so many amazing friends but I struggle to talk
About my feelings as people constantly tell me how great a mum I am and what a fab marriage I have. I don't have the heart to tell them I'm actually a crap mum and unhappy most days.....
But I it's true...I have 3 brilliant little ones. But they are hard work. 2 are at school and the 3rd, who is clingy and strong willed is home with me. Lately I find myself shouting at them all the time. Whilst I'm doing it I feel justified....usually because they are ignoring me or doing the opposite of what I want. I shout they cry...then I cry when they are in bed because I feel so crap. Hubby is no help. He's been diagnosed with stress and depression. I tiptoed around him when he was diagnosed a few months ago, but. Ow I just resent the fact he's so miserable and does fuck all. Today I asked him for help with the house work. I pointed out that I have a home to look after, 3 kids, a job, I'm studying, plus a placement......his response was 'I do the washing up and vacuum when you ask'........I got annoyed and then I'm the bad person!!!
I honestly hate the fact I'm so miserable and tonight, like last night, I'm going to bed saying I'm going to be a better mum tomorrow....but what if I'm not? What if my babies only ever remember mean, grumpy mum!?
They won't, all mums are grumpy sometimes . You are doing the best you can in a really tough situation. I only have one and a husband who helps and I'm exhausted. I think you must be superhuman
The only mum that doesn't shout and isn't crap on occasions is topsy and tims mum and quite frankly I think we all want to punch her in the face!
Your husband. You really need to draw up a list of everything you do and show him then ask him what he does from that list. You shouldn't have to ask him to help.
Please don't beat yourself up, none of us are infallible just try and make things a little easier on yourself if you can. And honestly the calm works better than the shouting I have found. The scary counting, although I worry my kid will get a complex when she's an adult and have a melt down when someone counts down from 5
I was feeling just the same as you yesterday. I shouted so horribly because they just wouldn't do what I asked. Just rubbish parenting. And I do that a lot. You can't be that bad if your friends say you are a good mum, you must be doing well a good proportion of the time if they say that! All parents are grumpy sometimes! And you are doing incredibly well in tough circumstances. I'm sure your children think you are ace, just like your friends do.
So your husband does things when asked. That is not really good enough but gives you something to work with. Can you give him a longer list of instructions? And be kind to yourself. Lots of easy dinners, don't worry about the state of the bathroom (or tell your husband to do all the housework).
Really tough to be studying etc, could you talk to tutors about delaying some deadlines while your husband is unwell?
But don't be tough on yourself, you have got a lot on. But it will get easier as husband gets better, studying finishes, youngest gets over demanding phase. And then you can remind yourself how amazing you are to have coped with it all. Xx
Thanks guys. Feeling better mentally today. Got my period too so that's probably why I was feeling particularly bad!
My little 2 year old has also been poorly since 1am last night. Just changed her after about the 15th vomit. Seeing her so poorly has made me realise all the crap and stupid stuff I was worrying about yesterday is actually pretty insignificant.
Definitely been a better mum today. X
Big hug little monkey.
Go easy on yourself and hope your dd is better soon x
I was there on Sat night. Lost my shit then cried. It's really hard sometimes isn't it?
All you can do is reflect, do your best & strive to do better. X
I very much doubt there's a mum out there who doesn't lose her shit on a regular basis , I know I do
on a daily basis
I've got 3 too... I'm on my own with them, and I loose my shit too... hate that I do, especially at bed times, also been wanting to post something similar to you, as hate myself shouting at them... now trying to work out what triggers it and how to avoid such triggers, bickering amongst themselves especially over iPad/tv and not doing what they are asked when they are asked... now I need to try and stop those cycles, bit in the mean time, cut as many corners as you can to make life easier for yourself, use that time to chill and re charge not tidy up a bit more
But make sure you get your husband to step up too.
With you having to look after 4 kids (including DH here) I think that you need a break.
If DH can't watch the DC for a few hours, do you have parents close by who can babysit? You need some me time.
I really respect your wish to improve as a mum but it's your h who should be hand wringing and questioning his ability as a dad AND partner to you. I'd change your admirable thread title to "I want my h to step up tomorrow". Or you'll be stressed & depressed too. Your dc are lucky to have a mum who strives to be better though.
My friend's dh was off work with stress and depression. Which must have been horrible for him, but after a while it was doing my friend's head in. He kept saying 'I'd like a bit more 'me' time'. And she said 'we'd all like some fucking me time, but we both work full time and have two young children. I haven't had me time for six years!'
I'm sorry to make light of depression as I know it's horrible but my friend did need to let off steam sometimes to me. I'm sure you do too. Have you got a friend who would be understanding to your frustrations? Also her husband still managed to do stuff around the house, but I imagine that depends on how bad he is.
So nice to have a vent here and appreciate all your comments. I guess after 20 years together I'm. It gonna change him, maybe it's me that's changed as I'm just so knackered and can no longer carry everyone. I feeling shitty with sinusitis at the moment (something else fooking thrown at me) and when he got in from work and a nice leisurely swim after work about 630 I turned to him and said it would be so nice to have tea cooked for me tonight...well I don't think he even responded.
I have some fab friends but don't like to bear all to them. My closest friend is a lifeline and she gets it all but she's got her own burdens.
What IDE do for a week on a beach in the sun on my own. The best I get at the moment is 37 seconds locked in the bathroom with my vape!
Venting is all well and good but you are in serious danger of burning yourself out if your h doesn't actually step up and fast!
I would agree that you aren't going to necessarily change him but that doesn't need to mean you accept his crap contribution either. After all if you left he would need to cook and clean in his own house and would be expected to have 50% of the childcare.
And that's not to say depression isn't shit but his responsibilities don't just stop because he has depression.
I've hadn't horrific depression for as long as I can remember and I've recently been diagnosed with MS, I'm a single mum to 4 kids... I can't just fuck off swimming and expect my (and their) tea on the table when I get in... I just have to get on with it, get it sorted, like the millions of other people with depression and disabilities that do every day as well.
You definitely need to find some time for yourself. Get a babysitter even if it's for a couple of hours every other week. It's definitely a big stress release when you get some quiet time alone. Or you could get together with your friend(s). Could you afford a cleaner once a month to give you a break? It may seem extravagant but it could be well worth it and it's usually not too pricey. DH definitely needs to be more supportive and you be there for him in return.
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