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Examples of bullying/victimising at work... or am I being a wimp?

(30 Posts)
Dineoutone Sun 22-Jan-17 21:28:08

I've felt horrendous the last couple of months due to my manager. She's passive aggressive and says things that constantly imply I'm not working hard, even though I am!!! I'm the most junior by at least 4 years in terms of experience and I've been coming home crying must days through the stress. I feel sick and anxious around her.

I've never been like this. Always worked hard and done well or at least well enough to progress. I've pulled her up once and she couldn't actually tell me anything I've done wrong.

But how can I tell if it would be seen as bullying or whether im being too sensitive? I feel drained and need to talk to someone higher but I'm also scared they won't believe me.

Dineoutone Sun 22-Jan-17 21:29:46

Just to add that the team are not on track for targets and so the manager is concerned. I feel like she's trying to portray me in a bad light to carry the teams failure.

CockacidalManiac Sun 22-Jan-17 21:29:58

I'd go and talk to HR about it. It's not sustainable, you'll become ill.

Dineoutone Sun 22-Jan-17 21:30:31

Cringing at what I've written. I never thought I'd be saying these things, how can I tell anyone this? They won't believe me.

dalmatianmad Sun 22-Jan-17 21:31:15

Do you have regular 1:1's to discuss your progress op?? Sounds awful, is it a clash of personalities? How do the rest of the team get on with her? Do you have anyone within the team that you can confide in?

ChuckSnowballs Sun 22-Jan-17 21:31:37

Some people are just bullies and nasty with it.

They don't change. Usually everyone is relieved that it isn't them they are targeting.

Write it all down, every instance with witnesses, what was said and why they said it. When you have 10 separate instances of feeling victimised, and it probably won't take long, go see someone higher and take out a grievance.

CockacidalManiac Sun 22-Jan-17 21:31:42

How do you know? You might well not be the only one this has happened to. Keep a written record of what happens on a daily basis.

Dineoutone Sun 22-Jan-17 21:35:06

Every time something happened in the last two weeks I wrote it down. But now when I read back, objectively it sounds so pathetic! She does it in such a way that it's just enough to be cruel but not enough to get herself into trouble. I don't know if that makes sense.

She has form for being unfair on less experienced people. But I wasn't working here then, I've just heard about it.

If I said she's treating me differently, she'll say I'm junior so I need more supervision... and she will make out she's trying to help.

I've also had 1.1 with her the last few weeks and every meeting she implies I will be made redundant!!!! Don't know what to do about that either.

Dineoutone Sun 22-Jan-17 21:35:59

Should she even be suggesting I will be made redundant in a meeting like that? It doesn't seem right.

CockacidalManiac Sun 22-Jan-17 21:37:31

You have two alternatives; you either do something about this woman, or you don't. However, not doing something isn't really an option, is it? You can't carry on feeling like this every day. Which leaves the only real option; taking it further. Are you in a union?

Dineoutone Sun 22-Jan-17 21:39:20

No not in a union

You are right I need to do something. I feel so scared. I've always been so confident and good with talking with people and I just feel I can't face all this.

CockacidalManiac Sun 22-Jan-17 21:41:10

She's ground you down. Classy abusive and bullying behaviour; she's got you doubting yourself. If you can, join a union.
I think it'd be a good idea to speak to HR tomorrow. Talk to them about their bullying policy.

CockacidalManiac Sun 22-Jan-17 21:41:29

Classic, not classy obviously.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Sun 22-Jan-17 21:44:15

Bullying isn't about the intention of the perpetrator, it's about the effect on the individual. So even if it's just her manner or the way she operates, the fact that you feel belittled and anxious is what's relevant.

Speak to your union if you have one. I hate to say it but in a lot of places, HR aren't there to support individuals with problems, they are there to make sure the organisation they work for is compliant with employment law. You have done the right thing keeping a log. Check your policies about bullying and harassment, and consider raising a formal grievance. If you do this though make sure you keep it factual and evidence based, and keep the emotion out of it apart from the section a
where you explain how it has affected you. Think what outcome you want - do you want a different line manager, an apology, mediation?

Dineoutone Sun 22-Jan-17 21:46:44

I want a different manager.

The thing that's made me feel really unhappy is this constant weekly implication that they will make me redundant. It's just made me want to give up. I feel so unhappy and it's so hierarchical and competitive that nobody will stick up for me here because they need this woman for their own progression. I'm fighting a losing battle.

Heathen4Hire Sun 22-Jan-17 21:48:39

You are not being a wimp, or being weak, or silly. You are being bullied and this is not acceptable.

Keep going with your diary, it will provide HR with valuable evidence.

No job is worth sacrificing your mental health over.

If there is a grievance procedure please use it. If you are asked to go in a meeting with her, ask for a trusted colleague to sit with you. Then she cannot deny what is being said to you at 1:1.

I am in a union and never meet a manager without a witness. I know you are not a union member but the same principle applies.

Sending hugs flowers

Time4adrink Sun 22-Jan-17 21:51:36

Sorry this is happening to you.
And sorry but I don't think you should talk to HR YET if you think it might be misinterpreted, it sounds like you need something more concrete.
You say your boss says things that imply you might be made redundant. I think you have to be brave and call her out on this. So have a 1 to 1, and when she implies this, ask "are your saying I'm at risk of redundancy?" And keep repeating until you get a straight answer.
Same with your performance, ask "are you saying that my performance is causing the whole team to fail?"
Bullies at work often hide behind plausible deniability- call her out!
Better to know where you stand than feel anxious because you are not sure.

Astro55 Sun 22-Jan-17 21:57:08

I'm in the same boat (waves)

I spoke to a senior and he betrayed my confidence and things got worse - she's bossy for boss sake - others bury their heads in the sand pleased it's not them - she discusses stuff she shouldn't and makes remarks that I feel are unprofessional - I've made mistakes because I haven't had any training - I have to ask for every fucking extension number because they won't produces a list of numbers because everybody knows them - I've put thing in the wrong folder wrong envelope wrong breathing!! Ahhhhh

Oh and being compared unfavorable to someone who spends 2 fucking hours in FB every afternoon boils my piss

Anyway - my notice is going in - my life force has been sucked dry and I feels happy and excited about being free (if poor) away from this vile woman - u will be number 15 out the door in the last 2 years -

NameChanger22 Sun 22-Jan-17 22:02:17

It happened to me at work. I was targeted for years and everything I did was criticised and picked apart while she breathed down my neck constantly and manipulated those around me. Bullies can be very sneaky people. I was very, very stressed for a long time.

I managed to speak to a few people and made them aware of it. I read everything I could about bullying and coping mechanisms. The one quote that really helped me was - 'the only thing that bullies respect is strength'. So I started really standing up to her. Every time she did something I spoke out about it so everyone could hear, in a calm way. I showed no emotion. She eventually realised I wasn't going to be a victim and moved on to a new target. That really got her noticed and senior management dealt with it, she seems to be ok now. Since then, I've mostly kept out of her way, but if she ever starts anything again I will put a stop to it right away.

Good luck with your problem. I hope you can change it. Don't give in to the bully.

jcne Sun 22-Jan-17 22:09:07

my story is quite different but I have successfully seen my bullying manager sacked recently. it was hellish and stressful and not in my nature but sticking up for myself has paid off so it is possible smile

Astro55 Sun 22-Jan-17 22:19:34

I have called my manager out a couple of times - but just shrug it off now - she has a new target and I feel sorry for her - and yet there's no team spirit - it's really odd - gels like you can't trust anyone or confide in anyone - very much on your own ... it's weird!

Oddsockspissmeoff Mon 23-Jan-17 03:46:51

I agree with Timeforadrink. Plausible deniability indeed.

Dineoutone Mon 23-Jan-17 07:28:20

I don't think I have it in me to call her out all the time.

Just to put into context, I'm stil training and this woman is about 25 years my senior - she'll turn anything around to make me look like I don't care.

Last week she told me I need to stay in thr office until 7pm even if I've had no work to do because it's better for the team image. Even though the whole team leaves at 5.30. She also let the whole team work from home between Christmas and new year apart from me. No explanation for that.

Dineoutone Mon 23-Jan-17 07:29:19

It's upsetting because I work in a competitive industry, and I do care very much. I've worked really hard and this is just breaking me.

ChuckSnowballs Mon 23-Jan-17 07:41:30

Last week she told me I need to stay in thr office until 7pm even if I've had no work to do because it's better for the team image. Even though the whole team leaves at 5.30. She also let the whole team work from home between Christmas and new year apart from me. No explanation for that.

So go to HR.
'Hi I was wondering why I hadn't had notification of a contract change.'
'There is no contract change, what are you on about'
'Well, X told me last week I needed to stay until 7 each night, even though everyone else goes home at 5:30, so I need to know what is going on and whether this is a formal contract change, in which case we need to discuss my hours, or just plain and simple bullying like the time at Christmas when the whole of the rest of the team were allowed to work from home except me. So before I out a grievance in with all the other instances of bullying that I have recorded, I just need to clear this last thing up. Ta'
'Erm, leave that with me'.

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