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I want another child, dp does not(23 Posts)
Hello everyone, this may be long but I don't want to drip feed.
Me and my dp have a 1 year old ds. He was a complete surprise baby (contraception failed) and both of our first reaction was abortion. I could not go through with it however and while dp was not initially happy, he came around and now loves ds more than anything. However he does not want any more children.
I have always wanted 2 children and due to the fact that I would like to do a pgce I would like them to not have a huge age gap so they can both be in school/nursery when I eventually go back to uni. Me and dp have had a talk about the future and he does not want more children and feels it is selfish of me to want more as we have one that he didn't want and I should be grateful with that. We also live in a part of the country he hates to be closer to my parents who provide childcare and constantly tells me I'm selfish to not want to leave to be closer to his family. His job is also here so practicalities of leaving would be tricky.
We've both argued and its come down to me being told I'm being selfish because we live where I want to so I've got my own way on that. We had a baby that I wanted to keep so I've got my own way on that. What we keep coming back to though is that he sees it as selfish to suggest that maybe we won't work long term because he can't bear the thought of not seeing our ds everyday. So 'I win' according to him. I basically have told him that I don't think either of us should compromise as I will resent him for not having another child and he will resent me if I make him have another child. But it's also selfish of me to want to leave as having another child is important too me.
I don't know what to suggest anymore as we always end up back to the fact I've got my own way on location and keeping ds so I shouldn't demand to get my way on this but suggesting separation where we share parenting responsibility is met with I'm getting my own way because I get to 'keep ds'.
I guess I'm just asking for advise on where to go from here and whether I am being selfish in my want for another child?
You can't make him have another child. The only thing that would work is either you accept that or you split up and find a partner who wants children.
Tbh you don't sound like you're in a good relationship, why on earth would you want another chikd with a man who tells you constantly that you shoukd be grateful you got to keep the one you've got?
He doesn't want any more children which is fine, you want more & will resent him for not giving you what you want-do each other, & your child, a favour & part now.
We also live in a part of the country he hates to be closer to my parents who provide childcare and constantly tells me I'm selfish to not want to leave to be closer to his family. His job is also here so practicalities of leaving would be tricky
This really doesn't sound good. Whatever you do, please DO NOT move closer to his family and away from your support network. (And yes I am speaking from experience.) He sounds like he is on at you all the time and the relationship doesn't sound healthy.
Thank you everyone, I have no intention of leaving to be closer to his family. I would be totally reliant on him and as he works full time, I have no friends there and I'm not particularly close to his family I would spend most of my time alone.
I have suggested many times that this relationship is unlikely to last long term due to this difference and maybe we should part ways. I'm always met with the same answer, I can't leave him because I would get custody of ds and he wants to see him everyday. He really can't see why it's such a problem for me to accept only having one child.
Thing is, he doesn't get to decide you stay together - if you want to split up, you don't need his permission. You just end it.
I understand you want another child but you sound very selfish to be honest. Everything seems to be on your terms. If this is the one problem you have then why would you even consider depriving your son of a full time dad because of this? So selfish.
If the relationship has other problems then that's another thing entirely.
Thing is, he doesn't get to decide you stay together - if you want to split up, you don't need his permission. You just end it.
OP I don't think you're being unreasonably selfish... you want another child which in my opinion and experience if he were to deny you that you would be perpetually resentful. He doesn't want one and tonne perfectly honest he doesn't sound like much of a catch like PPs have said. Also just to reiterate that he doesn't get to decide whether you end it or not, that is your right just like it would be his if he wanted to. I would end this now before your baby gets any older.
It sounds like you want everything your own way and what he wants is irrelevant. Id not want a second child with somebody who was like that.
He's caught between a rock and a hard place, he either stays so that he can see his child every day and gives in with regards to more children/where he lives etc or he leaves and gets to see his child very little.
Would you really deny your child having both parents in their daily life as you are satisfied with your DS and would rather follow your own wants regardless of the impact on the family?
The fact that he doesn't want to split because he wouldn't get to see his ds everyday and not because he loves you and does not want to lose you says it all.
"If this is the one problem you have then why would you even consider depriving your son of a full time dad because of this?"
I kind of agree with this. As a mum you need to think about the best interest of your son. Having a second kid will benefit you but will it benefit your son ? Is it worth splitting with his father and him seeing his father less just for the sake of having a second baby ?
You are entitled to want a second child but I think you would be very selfish to put that wish over the best interest and stability of your existing child. If you are unhappy in your relationship then definitely split up with your dp but if that's the only problem you have then think about it twice. Consider the impact splitting with your son's father could potentially have on him, will he be resentful in the future and be angry at his younger sibling/feel like you've put his sibling before him ?
I can imagine a child would feel a bit resentful at seeing his sibling with both his parents playing happy family (assuming you'll remain with the father of your second child) when he is in a situation where he has reduce contact with his dad (and may not feel confortable with your new partner) just so that said sibling could be born.
Obviously the last part is very much assumption but ultimately that's what you want to do. Split up with your current dp to possibly find a man who will give you a second child and recreate a family. Fair enough if, like I have said, things are really bad with your current dp and you were going to leave him any way but quite selfish if it's really only just about you wanting another baby.
Sorry but he sounds like a controlling arsehole even without the baby thing...
OP you do not need his permission to leave the relationship. If you are unhappy then you can end it.
I see no mention of love in your posts - do you love him? Do you enjoy being with him? Or is he merely DS father?
Don't misunderstand me - I am not having a go at you. It is what it is. If there is more out there for you then you should end this and make a new start. DP will still be DS dad. This shouldn't be enough to trap you to a lifetime of not quite good enough though.
I think some posters are missing the point here. The OP and her partner don't agree on the subject of having another child. That is fair enough - many couples have similar disagreements - but there are other glaring warning signs here.
- Calling her selfish for living in an area that suits his commute and also means they have free childcare on tap, and for not wanting to move closer to his family
- His constant referral to her "winning" is a bit
- He said she "got her way" by keeping her DS, so he's even chalking keeping his own son as a "win" for her.
- He doesn't want to split up as he wants to see his DS every day. Glaring omission there: what about the OP? Does he even love her?
To me, he sounds quite controlling.
My, he does want to punish you for not aborting, doesn't he? He just keeps on and on and on about how selfish you are, regardless of whether you are or not. (You're not selfish by the way. You're practical.)
And although he claims he loves DS - I feel there's a bit of punishment going on there too. He says he couldn't bear to not see DS every day, but this results in keeping you tied to him so that he can continue to punish you.
"I have suggested many times that this relationship is unlikely to last long term due to this difference and maybe we should part ways. I'm always met with the same answer, I can't leave him because I would get custody of ds and he wants to see him everyday."
See? He's using his supposed love for DS to KEEP YOU SHACKLED to him.
You don't need his permission to split up. And frankly, I think you should start the ball rolling on that. The relationship has already ended, hasn't it? No relationship can survive that kind of constant onslaught. So stop telling him it's unlikely to last long, and start telling him it's over. Because it really is and that's all down to him.
I think he actually sounds like he feels trapped in a life he didn't want, with no way out (of being trapped) that will make him happy. I don't for a minute think you intended to trap him, but I do think that's how he feels.
Do you still want to be with him if you could work this out? If not I think you need to leave and not offer him a choice/ultimatum about that.
If you do still want to be with him then I think the two of you could really benefit from counselling together
Sounds like the resentment has already crept in. I'm sure he does love his son but the fact he's living where he doesn't want to obviously really pisses him off.
He clearly already really resents you for both of these things.
IME resentment is poison for a relationship. Throw in your own resentment if you don't have another child and you've got unhappy relationship.
Also IME it's pretty hard to extricate yourself from a relationship where the 'best interests' of the child are used against you to keep you in it.
I think it's time to decide whether you actually want to be with this man and if you don't get your head down, do you what you need to do and don't consult him
I completely get your POV. However, I agree with the pp that he clearly feels trapped. Your relationship sounds doomed tbh.
What I don't understand is that you seem to agree that your relationship is going nowhere yet you're keen to have another baby with him. Is it because it's neat and easy? Because your children would have the same dad? Because he's there and you could do it now to get it out the way before your PGCE? Frankly, it sounds like you don't really want him, just his sperm and he doesn't really want you but just wants to see his son every day. This isn't healthy for either you, him or your son.
It doesn't sound like either of you are particularly invested in your relationship. I understand your desire to have another child, what I don't understand, is the desire to have a second child with a man who doesn't and who was not initially in favour of your first.
Take a step back and stop focussing on 'getting what you want' because your wants, are not the only consideration in this relationship. It almost sounds like a second child is some sort of compensation for you remaining in the relationship, which isn't a healthy mindset given that seeing his child every day is his.
What was the relationship like before your pregnancy? How long were you together? You both sound immature and unless you both start investing emotionally in the relationship then it will continue to be miserable. A second child is a distraction from the poor state of your relationship and is a selfish pursuit, given your current partner's opinion.
It takes two to have a relationship but only one to end it.
From your post OP I am not convinced that you should be even thinking of having a second baby with this man. How can you go from saying that you've discussed breaking up to wanting his baby? You are reducing him to an unwilling sperm donor if you cant see a long term relationship with him. And he doesnt sound committed to you in anyway and is using quite controlling language.
There are a number of issues in this relationship and I think the lack of a second child is the least of them.
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