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Looks Like I'm becoming a single parent

(29 Posts)
Porffor Sun 22-Jan-17 16:58:31

STBXH and I have been talking separation since early December, we've been seriously working it out recently - with me viewing a 2 bed flat and then deciding I should take his role as stay at home parent, I handed my notice in on Thursday. A month. With a view to him moving out and having 50/50 custody.

2 days ago he lied about a phone call - wouldn't tell me who was on the phone and flat out denied it was even a call. Also 'stonewalled' me and the girls yesterday. He was rude to our 12 year old when she tried to talk to him - she's a daddy's girl and was most hurt by his rebuff. I spoke to him alone last night and said that he can't treat us like this, it's not fair and he just said he was trying to stay for the month till I finished work then would be going.

I got a text a while ago while out picking up DD1 - asking what time i'd be back as he has a ROOM to view - it's local (I saw a page open on his computer - i shut it down so the girls didn't see it for 'spare room') so found it as he said it had an orchard garden.

Yep he's off to look at a shared house, one double room. So much for 50/50 custody the girls won't even be able to stay at his.

Looks like the ride is about to get bumpy. I told my boss everything so at the worst I'll have to ask to cover a rural office to work out my notice, or finish early.

Seriously disappointing that he isn't taking having the girls seriously though - the rent for this place isn't far off what it is for a flat. DD2 is going to be heart broken as it is. It's going to be tricky if he expects to come here all the time. I don't even know how he's going to move all his stuff into one room - he has a helluva lot of music related 'stuff' - yeah I call it junk / rubbish or plain hoarding.

Anyone else had an Ex go to a single room occupancy? How did you work around contact?

ImperialBlether Sun 22-Jan-17 17:04:06

How was it going to work out if you were a SAHP but on 50-50 contact? Would he be paying maintenance to you?

It sounds as though he's a liar and a cheat. God knows what his plans are re seeing the children, but it's clear he's not going to have 50-50 if he's living in a spare room. You need to talk to hi, obviously, but he just can't be honest, can he?

Upanddownroundandround Sun 22-Jan-17 17:07:58

I'm not sure I understand your post tbh. He was the stay at home parent and you worked. But then you have quit your job to be a stay at home parent. So who is providing for the DC and paying your bills including your mortgage or rent. I'm sure I have misunderstood.

Porffor Sun 22-Jan-17 17:10:05

He's in uni part time and has been a SAHD for the last 7 years since we stopped fostering. I was in education after then and he was at home as a foster dad along with me before then for 5 years. So he's not worked for 12 years now.

I wasn't expecting maintenance but I was expecting him to be able to have 1 room for the girls to have overnights. I even sent him and he agreed to a 50/50 custody plan being 'fair'.

I'm am now thinking he's been lying to my face and deceiving me. Something I'd never have said before. We've been together 20 years this year, married for 17.

Porffor Sun 22-Jan-17 17:12:53

Yep - till now - I'm working almost full time hours

He's a part time student and runs a small music shop online

He's SAHD but through separation issues, he said he can't cope with being on his own with the girls 'without me' so doesn't want to be SAHD anymore. Naturally I stepped up and said I'll be the SAHM then. and try to get a job that fits around school hours. DD3 is 7 so she's the youngest.

We're in a council place and have been for 10 years - previously for 8 years before that.

Sorry it is confusing.

WalkingDownTheRoad Sun 22-Jan-17 17:19:21

Erm, how on earth will you manage as a SAHM single parent? Maybe missing point here but I would be asking boss if I could retract notice, at least until you have found another job that works around school hours. Sounds like stbx will not be able to support monetarily, perhaps he can cover afterschool childcare in the interim? Clearly he is not planning on even having any overnights let alone 50/50.

Penfold007 Sun 22-Jan-17 17:23:12

Why are you giving up work?

Mari50 Sun 22-Jan-17 17:24:58

Why on earth would you give up your job? As a single parent that's the last thing you should be doing, with 50:50 custody you'd have less hours to cover for childcare as well. I'm really struggling to understand your thinking here.

Beebeeeight Sun 22-Jan-17 17:31:15

Break ups have to be planned on the assumption that you won't see the ex for dust.

Anything else is a bonus but should NEVER be relied upon.

So you working, doing all childcare, and expecting no break or maintenance.

If you're not ready for that you aren't ready to split.

If he's been the sahp you are lucky he's not keeping the DCs and asking you for maintenance.

Better him in the shared room than you!

JennyOnAPlate Sun 22-Jan-17 17:35:33

I don't understand why you're giving up your job? Surely this is the worst possible time to do that?! How are you intending to support yourself and the children?

Porffor Sun 22-Jan-17 17:42:26

If i don't give up my job I have 2 children in different schools who need their stability looking for carers.

I start at odd hours and do on call over nights / weekends too. There is no way I can do this and be a SAHM.

I know I'll end up financially worse off but I was expecting to be able to work a couple of days a week when the girls were with their dad. I tried for a role with these hours in my current job but didn't get it.

Honestly this has thrown our 'plans' to the wall and I'm literally facing the fact it'll be me on my own with no real support.

we live 200 miles from family and have no friends, I'd sooner be the main carer for the girls especially while their world is turning upside down.

IonaNE Sun 22-Jan-17 17:54:02

OP, if you handed in your notice and your children are old enough to be in school (one of them is 12, you say), this will seriously limit your benefits. What are you going to live on?

grobagsforever Sun 22-Jan-17 17:54:09

OP you need to take back your notice and agree what is known as a 'birds nesting' arrangement. This means he comes to your home for all his contact and you stay elsewhere if it is overnight. This may mean staying in his shared house after you do.a nightshift. So no, you won't get nights off in your own home but you can keep you job. School hours jobs are very rare and a life of benefits will be miserable.

DowhatIwanttodo Sun 22-Jan-17 18:04:15

So neither of you will be working? How are you going to support yourselves and the children?

Porffor Sun 22-Jan-17 18:20:24

I won't be birds nesting - staying elsewhere no way.

I will speak to my manager tomorrow and see if I can arrange school hours but honestly the business I'm in it's not likely.

I don't know what else to do - this has got out of control.

We get adoption allowance for our middle daughter (12), our eldest is in full time education (17) and youngest is 7.

I haven't ever claimed benefits other then child & working tax / child benefit. All of these are in a joint account and until yesterday I had no access to that.

I have a solo account for the last month and had wages paid in this week. I am paid 2 weeks behind so have worked 2 weeks.

He's seriously leaving me high and dry - I'll have to phone working / child tax and child benefit tomorrow - he has the paperwork for those.

Twolittlejobbys Sun 22-Jan-17 18:34:34

Unless you get a fit note from your doctor saying you are unable to work il afraid you'll have to. The benefits you will be claiming require you to be looking and available for work, I think you'd be best to try keeping your job, try to reduce hours to 16 which is a minimum for WTC.

EweAreHere Sun 22-Jan-17 18:40:48

Your girls are all in full time education.

You really should rethink giving up your job. Tax credits will require you to be working 30 hours a week, I believe?

Before and after school clubs are your friend. Look into them before you walk away from your job.

Porffor Sun 22-Jan-17 18:51:42

There are no after school clubs and my DD3 has not coped with breakfast club in the past.

I'm happy to find a job that is less hours but I can't work 33 hours a week on average (on a 20 hour contract), starting anytime between 5 and 8am, with on-call rota. While supporting my girls through their dad leaving. They don't need to be passed around they need consistency and their only other parent is that for now.

Financially yes we're high and dry. I don't know what else to do.

TreacleTreacleLittleStar Sun 22-Jan-17 19:02:24

As a single parent I can tell you, you will get £60 per week per child. And £30 per week TOTAL. That's It. You won't be entitled to ANYTHING ELSE as your kids are of school age. If you own your home you won't get a penny in housing benefit either. If you're rented, you'll get about £25 per week. This is since the benefit cap have cut & cut & cut the amounts. I am working and have a 2yr old as I'm so much better off with Working Tax Credits. Best thing you can do is go to and do a calculation

Twolittlejobbys Sun 22-Jan-17 19:02:43

Speak to your doctor, tell them what's going on and how overwhelmed you feel, they will be able to help you at least work wise and could possibly sign you off for a few weeks. You'll be surprised how well kids cope, they don't need you as much as you think they will. I was astounded at how well mine coped and since (considering he's a waste of space and never sees them and doesn't support them financially)

You will cope money wise, we did, ex earned a considerable amount and we were reasonably well off, now we have to live to a tight budget.

🌺 for you. It's not an easy time but just concentrate on getting you and the kids sorted and worry about everything else in a few weeks

TreacleTreacleLittleStar Sun 22-Jan-17 19:03:00

(The £30 is child benefit/family allowance btw)

Porffor Sun 22-Jan-17 19:15:50

Thanks for the break down - we're in a council house (joint tenancy).

We get £600 adoption allowance a month as placement support, so that is to support not working full time.

I'll speak to my boss tomorrow too and see what can be done.

I don't want to go to my GP as I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 years ago and class as 'high functioning' as in I'm working and doing well. Hence why I don't want to sleep elsewhere and need stability. I don't want to end up ill - it could lead to losing the girls and losing my licence too.

I'll have a look at the entitled site and try to work things out, I'm going to have to cut back on a lot of things.

I need to let the shock settle in my head and get through telling the girls.

ivykaty44 Sun 22-Jan-17 19:21:50

As others have said, giving up your job is not a great idea.

Could you parent with your ex so that you can continue to work, until at least you have both possibly found part time work?

You are leaving yourself vulnerable without a job?

Porffor Sun 22-Jan-17 19:40:41

will try and work something out - reeling at the moment I must admit.

Isetan Mon 23-Jan-17 05:28:37

How were you planning on paying for a two bed flat? A room in a shared house doesn't sound ideal but given the family finances it does sound affordable.

The communication between you sounds poor and for the sake of your children that needs improvement. However, I think you do need to be realistic about your circumstances and that includes finances.

Separation takes compromise and you control everything.

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