Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Talk to me about sex anxiety and bad, bad communication

(32 Posts)
bananamuncher Sun 22-Jan-17 16:38:49

I'm having serious anxiety around sex with my husband, like my skin crawls, I get worried and stressed and just don't want to do it at all.

I've realised it's got a lot to do with the fact that I've basically been doing it even though I really don't want to, especially since having a baby. I've been having sex with him because it makes living with him easier basically, he has a tendency to strop around, sigh, get angry, use excessive innuendo and just basically go on and on about how badly it affects him if he doesn't get it, he says he wants me to want it too but he doesn't seem to notice if I'm not particularly into it.

I feel like I have to because otherwise his behaviour will negatively affect me and it's easier to just do it so he leaves me alone. It's not exactly a supportive or balanced sexual relationship IMO.

I just told him about the anxiety, because I can't take the stress right now, and I really need him to be supportive and understanding about this if we have any hope of rebuilding our relationship. He said he's pleased I've told him, but he also said he needs to "figure out how he's going to deal with this" (I think meaning he needs some kind of sexual relief, and possibly trying to guilt me into it by implying he "needs" sex from somewhere).

He's now gone to the pub because he's "dizzy", code: sexually frustrated, but it's all a bit dramatic and self-centered for my liking. He also kept saying he had a pain in his balls, and that I could never understand the way this makes him feel because I'm a woman.

I just want a grown-up, supportive relationship. Exasperated.

NightTerrier Sun 22-Jan-17 17:12:36

Sorry to hear about your problems. When men are like that it's such a passion killer. So is anxiety. All I can suggest is telling him he's being selfish and putting pressure on you isn't helping your libido. He has a hand ffs. He needs to back off, please himself and let you relax a bit.

It doesn't sound like he's being very romantic. Maybe you could tell him that you need a bit of romance and that him stropping and emotionally blackmailing you won't help set the mood?

PaterPower Sun 22-Jan-17 18:33:23

How long has it been since the birth? How often have you been giving in? How honest have you been with him before this recent conversation?

DaisyGoesAgain Sun 22-Jan-17 18:39:21

OP he sounds truly horrible.

And poor him, off to the pub he goes with a pain in his balls. hmm

He sounds incredibly self centred. Do you really love this man?

And please tell me he hasn't had sex with you when you have told him no, your post insinuates that slightly and that means something entirely different!

But if you are sleeping with someone to manage their behaviour then you are being sexually abused. Period.

My gut instinct tells me you need to get out of there.

AnyFucker Sun 22-Jan-17 18:41:11

How on earth did you end up married to such a fucking mantoddler ?

needmoregin Sun 22-Jan-17 18:42:24

Man toddler 😂 brilliant expression .. he sounds very me me me OP

AnyFucker Sun 22-Jan-17 18:43:03

He sounds like a coercive sexual abuser

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 22-Jan-17 18:43:25

He's taken himself off down the pub to come to terms with the fact he has to have a wank for a while? Good Lord!

KatLovesCats Sun 22-Jan-17 18:55:11

I'm with AF on this one. An ex of mine was like this - coercive sexual abuser who uses emotional blackmail. It destroys you over time as you're already find out sad

Please please consider leaving, OP. He won't change. His actions are repellant.

Gallavich Sun 22-Jan-17 18:55:48

There is absolutely no logic or substance to the argument that men need to have regular sex or they feel pain. Men who are single manage to release sexual tension through masturbation and their balls don't drop off. The only difference with a man like your husband is not that he couldn't masturbate to sort himself out but that he doesn't want to. He thinks he has sexual rights over your body.

KatLovesCats Sun 22-Jan-17 18:55:53

I'm with AF on this one. An ex of mine was like this - coercive sexual abuser who uses emotional blackmail. It destroys you over time as you're already find out sad

Please please consider leaving, OP. He won't change. His actions are repellant. I'm sorry you're going through this.

KatLovesCats Sun 22-Jan-17 18:59:41

Sorry for the double post, mobile playing up!

AnyFucker Sun 22-Jan-17 19:20:56

It was worth saying twice, Kat

Happyinthehills Sun 22-Jan-17 19:27:42

A decent human being would feel mortified that his actions have hurt you this way.

virgospirit Sun 22-Jan-17 19:32:58

He also kept saying he had a pain in his balls, and that I could never understand the way this makes him feel because I'm a woman.

he's also a liar. Men do not get pains in their balls from being sexually abstinent. I know because I have two of my own and have been abstinent in the passed for up to three weeks at a time, no sexual contact at all.

ivykaty44 Sun 22-Jan-17 19:34:44

Ffs I'd give him agony in his balls

bananamuncher Sun 22-Jan-17 19:56:48

He's downstairs now with a packet of frozen peas down his pants. I can't help thinking it's for my benefit, there's also alot of sighing.

I have tried to talk about this with him before but it always ends in an argument.

shinyredbookcase Sun 22-Jan-17 19:59:33

Frozen peas? What an idiot. If he was really in such pain, he'd have a walk and cure himself very easily. What does he think single and widowed men do? Men who work away from their partners?

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 22-Jan-17 20:08:04

How utterly ridiculous hmm

LellyMcKelly Sun 22-Jan-17 20:22:37

He has a bag of frozen peas down his slacks because he can't have a shag? Jesus, has he never heard of having a wank? What a twat. How can he think that would make him attractive to you? This is bullying, coercive, behaviour.

shinyredbookcase Sun 22-Jan-17 20:25:41

This has to be one of the most ridiculous and childish things I've read for a while.

AND it is abusive and manipulative. He's 'performing' so you will have sex with him to manage his behaviour, even though he knows you are anxious about it, don't really want to, and want his help to improve things.

Foofer Sun 22-Jan-17 20:27:27

Needs to get himself to a doctor if he's getting "pain in the balls" after a short time with no sex. Lying bully.

AnyFucker Sun 22-Jan-17 20:53:07

Why are you engaging in this bullshit ?

Happyinthehills Sun 22-Jan-17 20:55:34

Nah really not normal - suggest he sees his GP. Here's hoping he doesn't get frostbite of the balls.

Wolfiefan Sun 22-Jan-17 20:57:25

I agree completely with AnyFucker. He is coercing you into sex.
No man NEEDS sex. Imagine all those single men and virgins with their bollocks swelling, turning blue and dropping off in the street?! confused No wait. That doesn't happen.
He's bullying you into sex. He's abusive.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now