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Suddenly single in your 30s - weekend loneliness

(95 Posts)
stillsosad101 Sun 22-Jan-17 14:47:20

Anyone else struggling with this?

H left me for OW and I just feel so desparately lonely. The first whirlwind of emotions has gone (or maybe not; I still cry a lot and well up randomly), but I am still so very sad about the whole thing that I can't seem to pick myself up. Weekends are the worst. All my friends (and I don't have many) are coupled up, most of them have young families and it's hard to get them to do something. No family closeby. I only know two single girls but they are much younger and tend to spend their weekends out drinking, which isn't my scene. Plus, I am their superior at work.

I realise that I relied a lot on h for company. We bought a house together the year we got married and did it up with a lot of hard work, lovely small box room for nursery included. We wanted children and used to talk about all the adventures we would have. And then he left, leaving me utterly floored. I am scared to put myself out there, scared to be on my own and scared never to have my own family. I seem to have forgotten how to be single, how to make friends. So I spend my weekends on my own, with only a bit of company here and there. It's a lot of time to think about why I wasn't good enough for him, whether I will be alone forever. It's driving me mad and I don't know how to turn off the analysing.

The weather is lovely today yet I am scared to just go for a walk on my own. I know this is pathetic, but has anyone got any tips? I am really starting to dread weekends.

RoundTheBend Sun 22-Jan-17 15:05:02

Oh bless you! flowers It IS hard in the beginning but it will get better I promise you.

You DO need to put yourself out there. It is hard/unusual in the beginning I know, I have had to learn how to do that too. I looked up dancing classes, Ceroc, you don't need a partner to go and there are lots of single people there to make friends with and they hold social events.

I do jigsaws, which occupy my mind and my hands.

Do go for that walk. It is amazing how even a walk around the block can help clear the mind.

I also jump on the bus and go to a busy shopping centre, window shopping mainly but it gets me out of the house.

I am lucky enough to have a garden so in the spring/summer I can spend time weeding that.

If you stay in, you will vegetate, and that can cause so much depression.

I am so sorry for what has happened to you, are also so very young STILL and you never know what is around the corner, you could still have your happily ever after.

noego Sun 22-Jan-17 15:08:00

You can never be lonely when you love the one you live with. I.e. You.

I posted this on another thread.

I, like you have been betrayed. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. Breaking down at the drop of a hat. Lost 2 stone, Had a pain across my shoulders for months.
Then one day I met someone who told me I was beautiful on the inside and outside. They told me I was witty, funny, compassionate, empathetic, lovable, loyal, committed, faithful, honest, truthful, had integrity, was supportive, was approachable, was friendly, had a GSOH, and had a life.
That person was ME. The True ME and not the false identity I had portrayed all my life. Find that one within you and all your questions will be answered.

Trills Sun 22-Jan-17 15:08:49

Podcasts are great for walking on your own - you can put in headphones and be accompanied by some interesting chat while you look at the pretty frost.

The Gulity Feminist is one of my favourites - it's funny and entertaining, not heavy-going.

ImperialBlether Sun 22-Jan-17 15:10:02

Could you go away for the weekend to visit friends?

Trills Sun 22-Jan-17 15:10:09

I also enjoy going to the cinema on my own - you sit in the dark and don't talk while you're there, so you don't need anyone to be there with you.

Veterinari Sun 22-Jan-17 15:16:59

I'm in a similar situation OP it's daunting.
I use and am lucky enough to live in a city with lots going on. I'm getting there but you do have to get work at it flowers

ImperialBlether Sun 22-Jan-17 15:17:20

It's a really tough situation for you and horrible that it's combined with your OH going off like that.

You will have to make a huge effort to make new friends and get out and about. Could you join a gym and go at the same time each day? Or a running club? You will make friends naturally then.

A lot of people recommend Meet Up - have you looked at what's going on in your local area?

ShatnersWig Sun 22-Jan-17 15:21:41

So noego but I think that's clichéd twaddle. I have friends but like the OP they are nearly all coupled and/or with children and generally spend their weekends doing family things.

I love myself, I have hobbies, I get out, I live alone. Loving myself doesn't stop me often feeling desperately lonely coming home every night or wake up every morning with no one to talk to. It'll be 7 years like that this April.

stillsosad101 Sun 22-Jan-17 15:22:13

Thank you, everyone, some good ideas there. I guess I am putting a lot of pressure on myself to just be alright again. It's only really been 5 months, which, given we were together for 10 years, is probably not that much.

Podcasts is a good idea; a brisk walk with some music/chat in my ears sounds nice, so does the dancing. I will look it up. I tried MeetUp but there's not much for my area. It's only a small city I live in.

I also have a garden and I look forward to getting stuck in again. It's a lovely neighbourhood I live in (I in the process of buying h out of house so I am lucky I can stay in my usual surroundings) and there's lots of chatting over the garden fence in the summer.

noego, sorry you went through similar. You sound great though and I hope I will get there one day.

trills do people not look at you weirdly when you go on your own?

ImperialBlether Sun 22-Jan-17 15:22:54

I agree with you, Shatner, that was absolute bollocks.

ImperialBlether Sun 22-Jan-17 15:24:07

What are your interests, OP?

stillsosad101 Sun 22-Jan-17 15:29:22

I can see where noego is coming from. I think part of my problem is that I have lost a lot of self-esteem being left in that way. I find it hard to believe at the moment that I am loveable (for want of another word). It's not going to solve the loneliness though.

I love music and play various instruments and sing. Most groups etc around here though seem to rehearse on a weeknight.

I crochet, which is not the most sociable of hobbies grin.

I would love to be more active and could do with losing a bit of weight. I hate the gym with a passion though but maybe there are weekend yoga classes I could join.

noego Sun 22-Jan-17 15:34:30

"Loving myself doesn't stop me often feeling desperately lonely coming home every night or wake up every morning with no one to talk to".

Who would you be without that thought?

Spartak Sun 22-Jan-17 15:41:26

It's all very well telling myself that I'm beautiful inside and outside but one look in the mirror and I'd know I was lying to myself. I'm not, I'm odd looking. And I'm grumpy and not very good at compromising. And that's just the way it is.

OP I've been mostly single for a decade now. I just go and do what I want to do - cinema, theatre, concerts, wandering around national trust properties, weekends away to random cities on my own. It takes a bit of getting used to but I enjoy it now. It gets me out of the house and I don't notice that I'm a bit lonely for a few hours.

ImperialBlether Sun 22-Jan-17 15:47:02

Do you work in the evenings, OP?

Minty6789 Sun 22-Jan-17 15:49:44

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this OP

I'm in a different position now, but when I had a long and lonely period I used to go to the cinema and theatre by myself. I tended to go in the afternoon and treated myself to a drink and a snack. I think you'd be surprised the number of people who do that, I was really self conscious to start with but everyone's in their own little world/on their phone anyway. I also hate the gym but a nice treatment like a massage does wonders. Big cliche but I also got a cat. He destroyed my sofa but I still have him and love him to bits.

It hasn't been long. Things will get better.

stillsosad101 Sun 22-Jan-17 15:52:00

I think I will just have a to get over the hurdle of doing things on my own - I am very aware and self-conscious of being on my own at the moment. I proabably don't even notice single people sitting in cafes etc, I am very zoomed in on couples.

stillsosad101 Sun 22-Jan-17 15:53:28

imperial I am a special needs teachers, full on during the day and at least one evening a week. It's pretty exhausting. I was thinking of volunteering somewhere at the weekend, but I am not sure I have the energy at the moment.

Akire Sun 22-Jan-17 15:54:29

I'm sorry but loving yourself means you never feel lonely is bollocks! I'm perfectly happy with myself and my self esteem dosnt mean I don't want adult company or happy to be myself 24/7 that's just human nuturing. OP you will get used to going out walks, cinema, meals on your own you soon be wondering what the big deal was!

dancingqueen345 Sun 22-Jan-17 16:05:14

What about a dog? Both for company, getting you out of the house and for exercise.

CandleWithHair Sun 22-Jan-17 16:10:31

stillso I could have written your post, almost word for word! My ExH left me just over a year ago now, no OW he just "didn't love" me anymore. We'd been together for 12 years, trying to have kids for 3 (had just had our first failed round of IVF before he dropped the bomb).
I also live in a quiet town of mostly families, all my friends are couples up and/or have small children and my friends through work are all younger than me (I'm 35)!
The advice you've had above is all good (even noego, whatever the others say. She's right that you can go to all the social things you like, make all the new friends you want but if you aren't comfortable with yourself you will always be unhappy at the end of it). It's really, really bloody hard at the beginning, but things do get easier I promise!

I've tried meetup (not many things I'm interested in here tho). I looked up my local adult education centre and did three terms of craft lessons last year and met some great people. I booked myself onto a sort of activity/retreat holiday in Greece that was mostly singles and had the most amazing time EVER. I found new friends via shared interests on the internet, who I now spend time with. I go for walks alone - earphones are a great diversion, or borrow a dog! There are sites for doing dog walking.
I go to the cinema and theatre occasionally, I go to museums and galleries and when I am at home now I just enjoy the indulgence of it!
I'm now planning a solo trip to the USA in May, and I can't wait!

On the relationship side, I've dabbled in tinder and a couple of other sites but honestly I don't think I, ready for or particularly interested in another relationship yet. I enjoy my own company now, I value my time so much that it will take someone pretty special for me to want to compromise again (let's be honest, all relationships involve compromise). The kids thing, now it's been forcibly removed from my plans, only bothers me when I let it. Even knowing I have unexplained infertility anyway, I know there is now an even higher chance I will never have kids and I'm starting to make my own peace with that.

Do you have any pets? I know us women in our 30s can be a bit sensitive to the spinster with cats cliches, but pets really ARE company (of the best kind!). I'd thoroughly recommend getting one if you're able to!

If you ever want to chat, let me know!

Madlizzy Sun 22-Jan-17 16:14:47

I hear you, although I'm in my forties. What makes it harder is being permanently skint, so going to the cinema etc is out of the question. I'm working on trying to earn more money and move to somewhere smaller and cheaper so I have some disposable income. I do go to a local pub quiznight in the week and have made some friends there who I quiz with, and will occasionally nip to the pub at the weekend, but it's that closing the door and knowing you won't speak to anyone until you get to work on Monday that's shit.

ShatnersWig Sun 22-Jan-17 16:19:11

Candle Ah, but there is a difference between being unhappy and being lonely. Noego's position may have some bearing on unhappiness but you can be busy, love yourself, be happy and yet still be lonely.

virgospirit Sun 22-Jan-17 16:21:25

trills do people not look at you weirdly when you go on your own?

nah don't be daft, I go to the cinema on my own too. It is okay to be single, it isn't a crime! I've been best part single except a few flings that haven't worked out for over ten years. Im a guy in my forties btw.

Definitely find things to do in the evenings after work. I go to yoga classes twice in the week which run from 7pm-8:30pm, so by the time I'm home from work and sort my stuff out it's time to go out, and when I get back it's nearly 9pm so quickly rustle up some food, chill out then it's time for bed. Wake up feeling good, yoga is great smile I also go mountain biking at weekends, it's a great way to get out and see different places and the surrounding countryside plus keep fit at the same time. Maintaining and fixing bikes also gives me stuff to do and things to think about buying etc. I also enjoy cooking, cooking is great and eating good healthy food helps feel good inside too. Also group travel is also great for holidays and it's a great way to meet people and see different places and do stuff.

You're lucky to have the house, how about change things around a bit and really start make it your own place, that will help too. You really can carve out a great life for yourself, do what you want when you want to. Be sociable and make friends, really there's nothing to be scared of at all, absolutely nothing. Things will get better, but it does take time, you'll find a way smile

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