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Am I being dicked around?

(50 Posts)
HoursOfFun Sun 22-Jan-17 13:02:46

Would like opinions on this scenario please:

The man I've been seeing a while suggests going away for a night somewhere (we've done this once before - was brilliant)

He asks me to find hotel I like - I do, Send him a link, he says he likes it - he brings it up again in conversation when I see him, saying how he likes the hotel etc (last Thurs)

I ask which dates would be good for him

He says 'I just need to hear about X event at work, then will have time frame'

X event is announced meaning that we would ideally need to go away in next 3 wks to fit in with his work.

I message Fri saying 'days I can do are x & x - any good?'

He seems disappointed as can only do one of the nights I'm free & he'd suggested two

He says 'I'll have a think and get back to you' (this was Fri)

So I leave it - we chat about other stuff over rest of Fri, yest and this morning

Then today I message after chatting about other stuff I msg saying 'what are yr thoughts re those dates?'

He says 'sorry meant to check, will do..'

Thing is, my gut tells me I am now being given the brush off. This happened once before, he suggested going away, I suggested dates he said would get back to me - never did. I let it slide and gave him benefit of doubt. But I'm. feeling pissed off this time. There seems to be a sort of pattern emerging of him suggesting really nice plans that don't materialise. It's happened with his suggestions about days out, restaurants, cinema trips etc Somehow there's rarely time for these lovely suggestions yet he usually has time for sex, however rushed hmm He says he loves me. Buys me thoughtful presents. But somehow I'm feeling quite shit and I don't know why.

Any advice? Is this future fakery? Do I call him out on it? Sometimes I just feel like walking away but I can't quite get myself to.

ImperialBlether Sun 22-Jan-17 13:06:54

He likes to get the praise for the idea and the implied generosity, doesn't he, without having to actually come up with the goods.

You're experiencing cognitive dissonance. He is telling you he loves you but his actions belie him. Because he's so good at telling you he loves you, you're trying to make excuses for his actions. You are trying desperately to reconcile his talk with his actions and you're driving yourself mad in the attempt.

Personally I think if you feel awful when you're with someone, stop seeing them.

TheStoic Sun 22-Jan-17 13:10:42

Some people are just all talk no action.

They say 'we should do this!' Or 'we really must catch up!' with no real intention of those things happening. They don't expect other people to take them literally.

These plans are not as important to him as they are to you. That's not necessarily an indication of his feelings for you, though. It's an indication of his feelings about going away for a weekend.

HoursOfFun Sun 22-Jan-17 13:15:40

Thanks Imperial - a lot of what you says rings true.

Thing is when I'm with him I feel great. He's very charming. He makes me feel at the centre of his attention. And he does the same in his messages when we're not together.

But I'm just feeling more and more pissed off when I'm not with him

I have never expressed that to him - somehow when I'm with him all my misgivings melt away and I don't want to 'spoil' anything

But on Thurs something he said just kept going round my head. He said 'I can imagine always being with you because we're just so honest with each other'

Really?! hmm I haven't managed to be honest with him - cos I want to tell him to stop dicking me around

TheNaze73 Sun 22-Jan-17 13:16:02

I just think it's more important to you than him

HoursOfFun Sun 22-Jan-17 13:21:09

Thanks Stoic

I don't know - what you say has been what I have been telling myself but actually I think Imperial might be right - that is just making excuses for him

I mean shouldn't he be excited about doing stuff with me if he actually loves me? I'm not getting that feeling tbh

HoursOfFun Sun 22-Jan-17 13:24:27

Naze73 - do you mean the relationship or just the going away?

TheStoic Sun 22-Jan-17 13:29:56

You say you're getting more and more pissed off when you're not physically together - why is that? Do you feel like you're not getting the level of attention you expect?

I've been there. Took a few conversations about expectations, and I've been with my partner for 2 years now and honestly could not be happier. He was just feeling so secure from Day 1 that he didn't feel the need for the level of contact I wanted (which wasn't much, to be honest!). Your guy could just be perfectly happy with the way things are right now, and assumes you feel the same - which is fair enough if you've been keeping all this to yourself. :-)

Or are there other reasons for your unhappiness?

HoursOfFun Sun 22-Jan-17 13:39:39

In a previous relationship someone I was supposed to be going away with on holiday basically cancelled two days before and told me 'the spark has gone'

It was a real shock and it still haunts me

Weirdly that guy still messages me saying he misses me (even though it ended because he did that)

So I don't know if I have a particular hang up about making plans to go away

Also I just find it so difficult to express myself to current man

Like I can't tell him when I'm annoyed at all and I bottle it up and get more annoyed - but he has no idea

TBH he's always vague about plans - even meeting for coffee. He forgets times but then checks and double checks even once it's arranged in quite an OCD way. I just don't get it

TheStoic Sun 22-Jan-17 13:44:33

Like I can't tell him when I'm annoyed at all and I bottle it up and get more annoyed - but he has no idea

I used to be exactly like that. Now I just say what's bothering me in a matter-of-fact way, and give him the chance to respond. It took a concerted effort on my part to get better at handling potential conflict, and I'm still a work in progress.

But, if you think he may just be 'not that into you', go with your gut.

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 22-Jan-17 13:47:55

Imperial has it spot on OP.sad

HoursOfFun Sun 22-Jan-17 14:11:48

Yes Dione - I think it is cognitive dissonance and that is why I feel so confused and paralysed.

So what do I do now? His last message sent at 11.30 today said 'sorry- meant to check dates, will do xxxxx'

He's been back on FB messenger since then, but obvs not to talk to me.

I was thinking of leaving it as long as possible and then messenging something like:

'You're obviously conflicted or indifferent about going away though it was your suggestion - either way, this feels wrong. I won't be in contact again'.

I mean, maybe that's harsh but I really feel like I need to get out with dignity in tact, not be hanging around waiting for dates and plans that never emerge (yet having sex with him). My self esteem is pretty low right now

JennyHolzersGhost Sun 22-Jan-17 15:05:57

Ok OP let's break this down logically smile

There are different issues going on here.

1) he's noncommittal about going away. Well, you've reminded him enough times, I wouldn't be reminding him again. So I'd drop it if I was in your shoes.

2) your relationship itself. It doesn't sound as though he's good for you. I know you say you enjoy your time together but in my experience any man who makes you feel insecure and doubting yourself is not going to be good for you. Your spidery sense is tingling. So in that sense I think I'd call it a day with him if I were you.

3) yourself. I know this always gets suggested on relationship threads grin but do you think it might be worth doing a bit of work on yourself psychologically by seeking out some therapy to figure out which buttons exactly it is that he's been pressing ? Coming to terms with your insecurities and so on. Just a thought.

HoursOfFun Sun 22-Jan-17 15:40:57

Thanks Jenny

Believe it or not I have had a lot of counselling since last idiot messed me around massively and then pulled out of holiday. My counsellor is away this week which is partly why I've ended up posting on here.

Counsellor said last relationship was basically EA - so I think partly my reactions currently are shaped by that

What I struggle with is whether that makes me over sensitive or current situation.

Like am I over reacting because I'm scared of being hurt or am I tolerating too much because I'm 'conditioned' to it?

FWIW current man knows all about last situation and made a big deal out of saying 'I would never hurt you'

Also I was very cautious with him and took it extremely slowly at the beginning to the point where I think he was almost a little hurt - I was so cool with him

But anyway upshot is - now I just feel shit

I want to send him a text to hurt him and end the feeling of power I feel he has over me

He's always so 'kind' 'attentive' and 'loving' towards me except for following through on the plans he suggests and I'm just beginning to feel like the 'loving' stuff is just a mind control game.

SandyY2K Sun 22-Jan-17 15:46:56

If this was a one off, I'd say he just forgot to check and get back to you, but as it's a pattern, it raises concerns.

Are you sure he's not got a wife or girlfriend? Have you been to his house? Met friends or family? Is his social media open?

HoursOfFun Sun 22-Jan-17 15:51:59

We have quite a few mutual friends Sandyk - some going back to our teenage years. His social media is totally open. We also have a lot of mutual work colleagues (similar area though not same work place). So it would be pretty difficult for him to hide anything that fundamental from me I think though he is a 'complicated' character and recent stuff is making me wonder how much I really know about him

JennyHolzersGhost Sun 22-Jan-17 15:54:53

Hmm, could you be wanting to lash out at him as a way of expressing your feelings from your previous relationship? Clearly the uncertainty about where you stand with this guy is bringing back past emotions and making you feel intensely vulnerable and defensive, given how badly you were hurt in the past that's entirely understandable but maybe you're just not ready yet to be emotionally exposed to someone again ?

Tbh my answer would be that you probably need to spend some time on your own while you work through those residual emotions, before you're ready to put yourself out there and be involved with someone. So I'd say end things with this guy and focus on yourself.

HoursOfFun Sun 22-Jan-17 16:03:01

Yes Jenny - you maybe right

Aagghhh - so annoying, when it's been good I've been so happy about him

But I just can't get rid of this dread in the pit of my stomach and feeling that I don't trust it

Anyway - isn't it just basic rudeness to suggest things and then be increasingly vague? Like with friends I wouldn't hesitate to say 'so are we doing x, or not?' and them to me. And either way it wouldn't be a deal breaker - just a question of logistics. I can't understand why this feels so much more loaded and awful

I guess because of previous experiences. That's the only explanation

HoursOfFun Sun 22-Jan-17 16:03:41

And maybe he's just a rude bastard

JennyHolzersGhost Sun 22-Jan-17 16:07:22

Yes it is rude - or flaky. Either way it seems like he's not proving to be the reliable and dependable type and it sounds as though you can do without the uncertainty. Am sure you'll feel better and clearer-headed without this going round and round your head !!

RandomMess Sun 22-Jan-17 16:19:00

Also it's very lazy behaviour from him, make the suggestion, let you do the legwork, can't be arsed to remember to sort out the dates...

It's hard work!!!

If you want to continue the relationship you need to tell him that you have found this behaviour from him unkind and you won't tolerate it. It does have a sense of him keeping you sweet with minimal actual effort.

thewookieswife Sun 22-Jan-17 16:42:34

If he's basically a good guy in every other way then just expect the nice things he promises not to happen and you won't be disappointed.
One flaw that you have found out about and are dealing with might be his only one ?! Maybe wait and see before you throw in the towel - most of us have at least one flaw!

HoursOfFun Sun 22-Jan-17 17:41:46

Yes Jenny I think you're right.

Thing is Random still no more comment from him since this morning's 'sorry I'll look at dates - meant to xxxx'

What do I do? Leave it and then send one letting him know what I really think?

-Wookieswife - that is what I've been thinking but my gut is telling me it's gone too far now. I feel like this is a pattern where he's raising and then dashing my expectations whilst being perfectly 'lovely' on the surface. It feels humiliating.

I mean I do keep questioning if that's an over reaction on my part but that is my gut feeling.

Interested to see what he does now as he usuallly always messages after a gap of a few hours and always before bed (with v rare exceptions). Wonder if he will message as 'normal' and not mention dates. Or if he will mention them.

Either way, I am not going to be the one to initiate contact. When he gets in touch I will decide what to say but basically I want to find a way to telll him how I really feel. I need closure.

SaltySeaDog72 Sun 22-Jan-17 19:25:35

How long have you been seeing this guy? To me OP, you seem remarkably destabilised by this.

My own bf isn't dissimilar but we are both busy with work and children so making plans can really 'drift' but I know it is not a reflection of his feelings for me. Am happy and secure and it doesn't bother me, although it did initially. The man is lovely, nobody is perfect and if I wanna do things I l will just say. It might be different if neither of us had kids though..

I think you need to feel more confident in your communication with this bloke, and as you are having a wobble over this the best thing to do would be really honest about how it made you feel and see how he reacts? If he blows up then he isn't for you. If he listens and responds then take it from there and see if you can get past it. If you find a solution it could do wonders for your relationship?

Is there a lot of chemistry with this bloke? Does that put you on the back foot do you think? People have different approaches and time scales for planning ahead and he isn't a mind reader.

SaltySeaDog72 Sun 22-Jan-17 19:27:58

I would not address this over text though. Much better to discuss it face to face. Plus I think you should maybe wait til you've seen your counsellor?

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