Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Can't sleep: Draft email to a flaky friend(43 Posts)
May I practice on here my letter to a flaky friend? I have ASD problems and find friendships tough. This particular person is a challenge, as she picks me up and will be very close when suits her, but will also be uber busy and not reply to emails trying to arrange things.
She is also quite controlling, so will only meet between certain times, e.g. 11-1 or 2-4. Last time she shouted at me for not liking my approach to one of her problems (she asked for advice).
I'm giving her a last chance. Her flakiness has been going on a while. I am preparing myself to say goodbye and move on, hopefully with my dignity intact. It sounds stark and I don't normally conduct friendships like this, but she is also involving my DCs and creating a fake sense of intimacy.
Since I didn't hear back, I assumed you were busy and we are now doing something with other friends that Monday.
I will be brutally honest and say that I haven't yet forgiven you for shouting at me that day. Your attitude was unpleasant. Maybe you didn't like what I was saying, and I worded it badly, but you put me under time pressure, since you were fitting me into your ever-busy schedule.
As a whole, your attitude towards me is difficult. You don't have the monopoly on being busy, and I am selective about whom I spend my time with, too.
Furthermore, as you are such a busy person (yet, I notice, able to spend even whole days with some of your other friends) I am left with the conclusion that you are far too busy for us. Consequentl, we are left with this odd set-up as (mostly one-sided) pen pals playing cat-and-mouse. I don't play games. Nor do I want my children dragged into your games. Please don't try to create a fake sense of intimacy them.
Good luck! Hope all works out.
Hope I don't sound like a mentalist. I need clarity from this friendship as she is very close when it suits her,
Good for you, stand up for yourself. Email is good. I would add a few examples of her flakiness so she can see for definite what you are referring too
Firstly you don't sound like a mentalist. Those friendships can be draining and stressful. Do you really want to give her a last chance?
Secondly that doesn't read like a "one last chance" email. It reads like you never want to see her again and this is why...
Thank you, both. Appreciate your comments vv much. It'sLikeRain I took out specific examples for posting, so will add back in before sending.
Reveal Yes it does sound like the 'goodbye' rather than last chance. Maybe I am further ahead than I realised. I have rehearsed an email like this so many times that I wonder if I should cut to the end. It has been very tiring and stressful. Every time I have gone to send, she has suggested another coffee slot (2 hrs) in a weird sort of measuring out of friendship time. The friendship can't grow. Yet she tries to get very personal info and will discuss some of her very deep issues with me during those 'sessions'. I've tried talking to her about it but she blanks the issue.
Even the language I am using: measured, sessions, need for clarity...suggests this has no future...
Huge thanks to you both
Got my own Flaky Friend thread running at the moment. There are some fab suggestions and support stories.
I think the email is great.
I would put a period after the word busy, and would write "I find your attitude..." "I perceived it as if you didn't like what...". Then "As a whole, I find it your attitude is increasingly difficult for me to handle". "...for us. Is this true? If so, consequently..." and then skip the sentence starting with "Please". Instead of "Good luck" say "I really would like to sort this out with you so we can continue to be friends". If it's "Good luck" as in "I don't want to have anything to do with you in the future", shorten it down to three sentences.
Clarification: I would put a period after the word busy and skip the rest of the sentence, not presume anything about what she might have been doing, at the time.
That reads to me as "I've had it up to here, so fuck off to the far side of fuck". If that's your intention, then that's fine. If you really do want to give one last chance, then a few suggestions: Start with something about clearing the air, or setting things straight , or similar. Then I'd chuck in some "made me feel" type bits (she can argue that she wasn't unpleasant, but can't argue whether or not it made you feel upset/intimidated, as she doesn't own your feelings). And finally stick an opening for communication at the end. Ending it with good luck....it almost sounds threatening....do you think we can blame Taken for that?
If it's over for you, then don't worry about the fine details of what to write.
I suspect that she isn't quite as busy as she makes it sound and she's just not that into you. The letter is a rather passive aggressive and sounds as though you are throwing a strop. I think you'd be better off just ceasing to make the effort with her and see if she bothers coming to you. If she does then you state how/when you can spend time with her on your terms and see how she reacts. If she gives you the runaround and puts you under pressure to always fit in with her other plans or not at all then you have your answer. If she doesn't bother getting in contact at all you also have your answer.
I think the whole letter think is a bit OTT and unnecessary and force a confrontation that might leave you feeling worse about it than you already do.
Yes to MagicChicken. Write it if it makes you feel better but don't send it. Just cut her out and move on.You don't get any explanations from her: why does she deserve the same from you? Life is too short to create confrontation. If you have mutual friends she might forward the email to them and it would create difficulties for them too. Just cut your kisses and focus on something positive instead.
i also think magicchickenis right!
Youd be better off just not making plans with her again and not contacting her any more. What do you hope to achieve with the email? It may not go down very well. She may argue in her defence and you may feel sorry for her and end up back at square one. She may ignore it completely or laugh at it and that could make you feel very bad. She may get very angry at you.
Really if you dont like how she is treating you and it doesnt look like it will change because its been going on for a long while i would just cease to meet with her.
Im not big on 'have it all out' letters and emails unless there is something to be actually achieved by them and im not sure in this instance there is because it could actually end up making you feel worse when you wanted to feel better.
You would feel better in the end if you just dont bother with her and find someone more able to give you the level of friendship you want instead, im not sure causing a confrontation is actually gonna help you.
What if she put the email onto social media to name and shame you? Massive backfire. Keep the upper hand, keep your dignity and just cut her out and move on.
I also agree with MagicChicken. Better to just cut contact. You might WANT to make yourself heard but does she deserve it?
I personally wouldn't bother calling again. If she calls you, then you simply say "I'm busy...sorry. Must dash"
And she will get the message.
Another one with MagicChicken. This certainly would not work out as a last chance, it would be the end of it.
I definitely wouldn't send this mail. It will read to her as though you're having a childish strop. You've let yourself be infantilised by this woman so she's been treating you like a child and put herself in the role of critical parent. It sounds as though you've had enough so distance, distance, distance. Rehearse a few platitudes to respond to any summons for your presence and move on to someone, who values you for who you are.
The email comes across as needy and an attempt to change her attitude towards you. You are hurt, and it's a natural reaction to want to try ease this pain by trying to get reassurance or have some 'impact' on the other person, but I think your intuitions were right, it's a one sided friendship. I had a friend like this for years, eventually I de-friended him on facebook after yet another barbed comment on a post of mine, I didn't intend to 'end' the friendship but I just didn't want his voice on my feed anymore - he went ape-shit and sent me a stream of insults, but it was water off a ducks back, I was done. Now when I think of him I realise how keeping and hoping the friendship would get better for so long had eroded my confidence in the background. Getting rid of him was an altogether a positive thing - but I was ready. So I would say keep the email but don't send it. Concentrate on other things and friendships. This person sounds like a bit of a bully (as was my friend). Work on your self-esteem and the time will come when you are really done with it.
Does she have kids too? Only reason I ask is because I'm going through a similar situation and it is hard to see everyone, especially working FT with a baby. She naps so I know what time of day is going to be easiest to take her with me/leave her with someone and I'd hate to think that someone thought I was controlling because of it.
On the flip side, said friend bails on plans and usually adds other friends to social meet ups because it's easier to see people in one go. Yes it's annoying & can make me feel like I'm not enough but I understand and she's been there for me when I needed it so I'm happy to work hard to get us through this rough patch of new motherhood.
That reads to me as "I've had it up to here, so fuck off to the far side of fuck".
Personally I just wouldn't bother contacting her and let the friendship fade away naturally.
Don't send the email. Writing it down may be helpful for getting it out of your system but sending it would be a mistake.
OP I understand your position and it is reasonable. It isn't your asd causing the issue, it's her. She's a crap friend and not a nice person. Start backing away, don't meet up. You should be pleased she has little time for you, she's horrible! She's making the break easy to get started.
Oh yes and do not send the email. You can't come out of it well.
seriously.....do not send that mail. TBH, it doesn't come across particularly well, and as the saying goes....Silence is a strong reply........just dont contact her anymore and block her on phone and media....she will get the message, and its wholly possible, that you're not the first person to have done so where she is concerned. All the best
I agree with people who are saying don't send it. It comes across as a bit confused. You say you haven't forgiven her for shouting at you, then add excuses as to why she might have been annoyed. (You didn't have time to think about what you were saying/you worded things wrong). A horrible friend will use that and twist what you're saying.
If you must email keep it really short. Just say you realise that she's busy, but it means that it's becoming increasingly difficult to agree on times to meet, and when you do it feels very rushed and unhappy and even angry from her side. Say it's a friendship that's not working out for you.
Better still though, don't email at all and simply don't agree to meet up. She's never going to respond with "you're right, let's change things."
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.