Husband gets too angry

[MochaChica]

DH has problems connecting emotionally. He has a guarded personality. I think because of his upbringing. He says extremely hurtful things in fight and then after few days of silence become normal again. This has been going on for a long time. What confuses me is that he would make so much efforts buying gifts for me or trying to plan a spacial day. He wanted to give a nice birthday weekend but got upset with me over something, and didn't let it go. It became an argument, I kept saying lets end it before it becomes a fight but he felt he was wronged. I left the room saying if he really cares, he shouldn't keep fighting with me on a day he wants me to feel special. He came after me and said without any emotion that if we want we can continue with our plans and left. I told him at least he could have hugged me after all this fight and for making me cry. He told me I like to self pity and finally went on to say I make him feel horrible about himself. He felt unappreciated because he had been planning for days. In the evening, I saw flowers and cake kept in the kitchen. He had a plan for the whole day doing different things. We ruined it by fighting. I felt bad for him that he must also feel disappointed that all his efforts were wasted. I tried talking to him but he kept bringing past fights to make a point how bad I am. Our fight got escalated and he wanted to leave home. How can my husband have so much love and hate for me at the same time?

[Aquamarine1029]

Your husband is gaslighting you. According to him, his reactions and behavior are YOUR fault. He seemingly takes no responsibility for how he treats you. I say you can do A LOT better. He has no respect for you.

[MochaChica]

Thanks for your reply Aqua.
He says he never had such arguments with anyone. In his family they would avoid arguments at all costs. I agree he has no respect for me. Why do you think he is doing that? My understanding is that he lacks empathy when he has a disagreement.

[Thattimeofyearagain]

He does it because it works for him. I'm betting that you usually apologise for any argument, even if he starts it? Its emotional abuse my love.

[SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower]

Oh god, he sounds like me.

I find it really hard to let go of things when I feel I've been wronged, and that gets magnified when I've tried to make a huge effort for someone. It's all fucking anxiety related.

Or, he's a dick and just being nasty.

[MochaChica]

Thanks for the support. SheRaaargh, I think he is not a dick. He tries to make efforts in his own way. But he doesn't understand what I want is his respect and understanding. He brushes our issues under the carpet and expect the same from me. We have different ways of communicating. I want to clear misunderstanding and move on. He wants to avoid talking about our issues and move on. Problem is he makes judgemental comments about me in anger without any remorse, and after fight is ended,I still wonder if he really thinks that way about me. He does not want to talk about it. I feel very alone and misunderstood.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship?. What needs of yours is he meeting here?.

His way of showing effort is to buy you things; to buy you off.

No respect for you and a lack of empathy are two huge red flags when it comes to relationships.

He is engineering arguments to make him look right and you wrong. He creates issues and blames you for it all afterwards. Its deliberate on his part and he acts like this also because he can. He feels entitled to do this and his family of origin likely act the same. I agree that you are being gaslighted and emotionally abused by him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He is responsible for his own actions, not you. His issues are not yours to carry for him or for him to pin blame on.

[lokivonpoki]

My "DH" does this among other things, he's currently upstairs packing to leave after I told him to and I'm in the kitchen having a glass of wine and a fag. The kids are playing in the park and I'm hoping they don't come in until he's gone.

I've took it for 13 years and woke up this morning thinking "I deserve better and my DC deserve better" it will upset them of course, they love their dad but I will not allow my son to think this is how a husband treats his wife and I will not allow my daughter to think that this is how she deserves to be treated

for you, really think about being in your death bed in 40 years and looking back st your life, is this what you want to see??

[junebirthdaygirl]

Some people with difficulties from childhood sabotage good things and special occasions. So he has good plans, makes an effort and then sabotages the whole thing. But that's not your problem. If he doesn't want to seek help you can't make him. So you are left deciding what's best for you.