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can a long-term relationship work if the woman is 8 years older?

(52 Posts)
AlwaysGettingWiser Sat 21-Jan-17 23:13:45

What do you all think? Any experiences?

I'm 2 years free of an abusive marriage (which probably affects my judgment), and I have two young children. I'm 45 years old and look fully my age.

Just recently, I had a great 2 month relationship with a very kind and lovely man 15 years older than me. The age gap didn't bother me. Sometimes it struck me that he looked a bit old, grey and wrinkly, but I honestly didn't care - I loved him enough to get over it. The relationship ended, but such is life.

Now a man (let's call him John) who is only 36 is hoping to build a life with me and my children. He is an amazing single dad, in very hard circumstances, very good looking, very clever, capable and kind. I know his children, and I love them both. He wants a mother for them, he is completely honest about this. His children come first with him, he doesn't care how old I am or what I look like. He only wants somebody who will love his children as if they were her own (and I would do that! )

I like John, and I think I could love him a lot. The difficult thing is, I think he is selling himself short by wanting to be with me. In ten years time, he will still be gorgeous, but I will be an old woman.

Is this a good idea?

In ten years time, I will be 54 years old, completely grey, very wrinkly (I have smoked for years), with reduced libido and breasts maybe around my ankles. He will be 46, only gorgeous pepper and salt grey, still looking lovely and

AlwaysGettingWiser Sat 21-Jan-17 23:16:44

(Oops, sorry, that was an edit fail. Still, you get the idea. .)

AnyFucker Sat 21-Jan-17 23:19:47

Ahem

I am in my 50's

I have a few wrinkles. My boobs are not those of a 20yo but my husband seems enamored of them. I can colour my grey hair. My libido is intact and more besides

Of course it can work. But nothing will work if you are so down on yourself.

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery Sat 21-Jan-17 23:19:50

I have two friends married to women a little over 10 years their senior. Both guys are mid-30s, their wives late 40s. Both couples seem very happy.

jeaux90 Sat 21-Jan-17 23:21:24

OP stop projecting and enjoy the relationship. I'm sure you'll look after yourself and pretty sure by the time he is 45 he'll have a big gut and balding bits but you'll probably still love him right?

Solasum Sat 21-Jan-17 23:21:25

He sounds like a catch to me. And so do you. I suspect not many women would be able to feel they could love someone else's children as their own. What do you have to lose by going for it?

ALaughAMinute Sat 21-Jan-17 23:26:07

How long have you known this man? I don't like the idea that he's looking for a mother for his children tbh. Do you want to be the mother of his children? What about your needs? You haven't known him lvery ong have you? shock

ALaughAMinute Sat 21-Jan-17 23:27:00

*very long

Carnabyqueen Sat 21-Jan-17 23:32:54

8 years is nothing after a certain age.

Carnabyqueen Sat 21-Jan-17 23:35:03

Well he should care about what you look like. Old or young, he should fancy you. Sounds like he wants someone sensible and reliable to look after his kids.

AlwaysGettingWiser Sat 21-Jan-17 23:39:25

Oh AnyFucker, bless you a thousand times! You were of huge help when I was running away from my children's father. I'm so sorry, I don't mean to imply that women in their 50s can't be gorgeous, and I hope I will be too!

You are right, of course. My self esteem is still a bit rubbish. I'm not completely unattractive, can probably stay slim with diet and exercise, and my patience with children is pretty good.

I've known 'John' only about 5 months but worked with him pretty closely.

BrondeBombshell Sat 21-Jan-17 23:40:31

Do you have a really good connection?

I have always tried to be conventional. I've tried to date men who are in the 'right age group' (ie, about 2-6 years older than me) and despite this I'm still single!

The best rapport I ever had was with a man 10 years younger than me. Our splitting up was nothing to do with age. We just 'got' each other.

I think he should want you for you, be certain about you and be certain about the relationship. Do you get that feeling first, and that it would be a bonus that you could all be some blended family?

Is he looking for a woman who'll be grateful for him hmm and not cheat/leave/move on.

RestlessTraveller Sat 21-Jan-17 23:42:54

My last partner was 13 years younger than me. It lasted 3 years. We split up because he was a cock. Nothing yo do with his age, he was just a cock.

AlwaysGettingWiser Sat 21-Jan-17 23:42:58

Carnaby, it's quite clear he does fancy me at the moment (although he never oversteps the mark) - I'm just wondering how long that can continue with such a big age gap, as women do tend to age more quickly than men once past the menopause and all that

kerryob Sat 21-Jan-17 23:43:50

Yes you can, I have family members and there is a 9 year age gap and they have a wonderful relationship, you wouldn't know to look at them as they keep each other young

AlwaysGettingWiser Sat 21-Jan-17 23:46:11

Bronde, I'm fairly confident he likes me, and could like me more, but the blended family comes first.

I suppose this is fair enough, because my children come first with me.

BrondeBombshell Sat 21-Jan-17 23:46:53

I disagree with that tbh. MEN think that women age more quickly. Some men believe that ageing is something that applies only to women but you only have to look at the hairs coming out of their nostrils and ears and look at their bellies and their bald heads and their own wrinkles to know that this is not true. Men my own age seem older than women my age imo. (mid 40s) because the women are all making an effort, fighting the ageing process by staying healthy and grooming well, and dressing to flatter.. Whereas a lot of men just roll out of bed and wipe their ass and go to work.

I don't mean to be cruel about men but I disagree with you very strongly that women age worse than men.

NOPE. It's just that men are allowed to age. They still get fat and old and saggy, and need pharmaceuticals to have sex.

Lovelybangers Sat 21-Jan-17 23:46:53

Yes.

My DM and DSF have been married for 39 years. She is 9 years older than him.

AnyFucker Sat 21-Jan-17 23:47:26

One of my greatest friends has a long term partner 9 years younger

He is actually a bit of a cock but it's nothing to do with the age gap smile

BrondeBombshell Sat 21-Jan-17 23:49:07

Always, I suppose that is practical. I want a man who would feel comfortable with my children. I wouldn't introduce a man to my children instantly but I want to 'feel' that it would not be weird or unworkable when I date a man. I need to know that he'd be comfortable just chilling in my house.

PickAChew Sat 21-Jan-17 23:50:08

Whyever not? I'm only 4 years older than DH, but we got together in our 30s. I can't see how 8 years would be a problem in a mutually respectful couple of similar age.

Jjacobb Sun 22-Jan-17 00:01:26

I'm 55, Dh is 45 we've been married 20 years in July. My Dh still thinks I'm gorgeous. So yes in can work. Go for it op, he sounds lovely.

Meandyou72 Sun 22-Jan-17 08:19:09

What's the story with the kids mother? Did she pass away or leave them or something?

It is possible for men to love the person rather than their body and face you know.

katieferg81 Sun 22-Jan-17 12:07:47

I met my DP when I was a divorced and solvent 30 and he was a shy inexperienced 22 living at home with parents. Initially I was concerned about us being at very different stages of our lives and thought it'd be nothing more than a fling. 6 years later I am with the most wonderful supportive and loving partner planning a hopefully very bight future. I started dating a boy and hopefully this year or next I'll marry the man who is now my everything. I'm so glad I put my initial doubts to one side and gave him and us a chance.

TheNaze73 Sun 22-Jan-17 13:26:51

Just go for it.

You sound quite a catch for a 36 year old bloke, so go with the flow. Everything you may think as a negative, he probably sees as a positive.

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