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Don't know what to do *sensitive*

(38 Posts)
CheekyNandosChicken Sat 21-Jan-17 18:38:39

I have a friend called M. We became friends as a result of regularly bumping into each other locally. She's from SE Asia and has a dd one year younger than mine. (They are teens) She is married to an English guy who I exchanged pleasantries with and he seemed friendly.

So far, so good.

However, Facebook suggested the husband as a friend. I had a peek at his profile and it is beyond disgusting. It is dedicated to condemning abortion and has horrific pics to go with it. He has formed a group with other men and they discuss the topic.

M is not on FB. She's not very computer literate (I've seen her struggle to answer a FaceTime call from her dd on the iPad) Since the revelation about her husband's attitude to women, I'm struggling to relax in her company. Do I need to broach the subject so I can decide whether or not to be friends?
If she has the same view I really can't be friends with her.

The topic of abortion has never come up when we've hung out so I have no idea on her opinions about it. (I realise that it's not the 1950s so she can have a different view to her husband)

DaisyGoesAgain Sat 21-Jan-17 18:40:33

Why couldn't you be friends with her if she is against abortion?

LiefieLiefie Sat 21-Jan-17 18:48:52

So she may or may not have the same feelings as her husband, which you disagree with, so therefore you can't be friends?

Just making sure I've got it right.

PaterPower Sat 21-Jan-17 18:49:08

So I assume that she's never brought this up and, as far as I can see, probably never will. But the possibility she may feel the same would be enough for you to shun her?!

I don't think she needs you in her life, tbh.

There are a lot of religious groups who feel strongly about abortion. Are you going to ask people whether they're Catholic, Muslim or hardline Protestant before you talk to them? Pretty sure most Hindus aren't keen on abortion either, so best you rule them out of your social circle, just to be safe.

AnyFucker Sat 21-Jan-17 18:52:26

I am not understanding these first few replies

I would make this guy persona non grata

I would ask his wife if she shares his views and ditch her too if she did

If she didn't I would be offering to support her to LTB

Catherinebee85 Sat 21-Jan-17 19:18:32

It sounds like a really casual friendship but one it would be a shame to lose. Maybe you shouldn't have poked around. Maybe she doesn't believe abortion is right, maybe she does? Can't people have opposing views and still get on?

Amaried Sat 21-Jan-17 19:18:40

Honestly I think this is an over reaction. I am friends with people who I disagree with on certain topics . He obviously feels strongly About this but he is not your friend and to ditch her over his opinion which may not even be hers seems cruel
Even if it is her opinion can you not agree to disagree on some issues?

LemonSqueezy0 Sat 21-Jan-17 19:22:51

I would want to know her feelings on it. It actually really would make a difference to me - if she felt even vaguely the same as her husband, then she'd be gone.

civilfawlty Sat 21-Jan-17 19:25:33

I would not be able to be close friends with a woman who was anti abortion. I would not be able to speak to a man who told women what to do with their reproductive rights.

FuckOffDailyMailQuitQuotingMN Sat 21-Jan-17 19:26:28

What AnyFucker said.

EmmaC78 Sat 21-Jan-17 19:31:29

How friendly are you with her? Is she a close friend?

junebirthdaygirl Sat 21-Jan-17 19:32:21

It's funny how people can be open to everything but not open to people having a different opinion than them. Sounds like this friend has never mentioned abortion, is not going on and on about it so l don't see what difficulty you have with it. Surely if you believe in women having the right to make a decision about having an abortion they surely must have the right to be treated separately from their husbands in all things.

Naicehamshop Sat 21-Jan-17 19:33:25

Completely agree with civilfawlty.

Bluntness100 Sat 21-Jan-17 19:35:25

What June birthday girl said. Exactly.

AyeAmarok Sat 21-Jan-17 19:35:43

I definitely wouldn't assume that she has similar feelings to her husband.

But I'd need to find out if she did. And if she did, then I couldn't be friends with someone who felt that way.

FuckOffDailyMailQuitQuotingMN Sat 21-Jan-17 19:37:16

It's funny how people can be open to everything but not open to people having a different opinion than them

Socially regressive and oppressive beliefs differ greatly from "different opinion" like whether or not a movie is watchable.

I won't befriend people who seek to strip others of their basic human rights. This isn't a simple difference of opinion, it's a fundamental human rights concern.

Naicehamshop Sat 21-Jan-17 19:40:42

A fundamental human rights concern. Exactly. Exactly. Well said Fuck.

user1477416713 Sat 21-Jan-17 19:43:52

It sounds like this woman may need all the friends she can get.

Don't ditch her on account of her husband's views, OP. You have no idea whether she shares them.

user1477416713 Sat 21-Jan-17 19:45:21

*and if her husband really is a nasty misogynist then there may be a time when she really needs friends she can reach out to.

Interestingangelfish Sat 21-Jan-17 19:46:48

I have been loose friends with people who opposed abortion on religious grounds, though no one who (afaik) engaged in activism against it. I do agree with the point about it being a fundamental human right IMO, and I think it's just that I have always been able to separate the political from the personal to a fair extent - not saying that's right - in fact it probably isn't. I certainly couldn't be friends, though, with a man who ran an anti-abortion discussion group for other men! His wife - I don't know.

I do think it would be rash to assume she shares her husband's views. If he is as much of a horrible patriarch as he sounds, though, would she be allowed to not do so? And therefore, do you want to break off the friendship for this reason.

MarasmeAbsolu Sat 21-Jan-17 20:01:53

My parents have very old school conservative attitudes - which I find stinking at times. I am a feminist with strong opinion on the matter.
Should I ditch them by principle?

Of course not - if anything, it's an opportunity to debate and discuss (and argue).
Some will argue - friends, family, not the same - maybe. Yet again - associate only with people who resemble you and your life, and you will have a nice little insulated bubble. Your friend M may well think her DH is a moron, with stupid ideas which she has had come to term with. So much that she never felt the need to debate the topic with you. Does it mean you should her off?

FuckOffDailyMailQuitQuotingMN Sat 21-Jan-17 20:04:36

You didn't chose your family.

You chose your friends.

Bushymuffmum Sat 21-Jan-17 20:05:39

I am not against abortion and believe in a woman's right to choose. I wouldn't ditch a friend because they're against it though. My friends and I agree/disagree on lots of things from immigration to whether we hate Chris Evans or not (our most recent debate)! I suppose it depends how much you like this friend and how strongly you feel about pro-choice (bear in mind there are probably lots of people u know/are friends with who oppose abortion but the subject has never come up) isn't it a bit arrogant and single minded to only have friendships with people who agree with the same things as you?

MrsBlennerhassett Sat 21-Jan-17 20:06:46

'cant people have opposing views and still get on?'
Depends on the views doesnt it? Id never associate with anyone i considered racist, anti abortion (i mean in terms of other women not for themselves), homophobic, pro death penalty and i think theres probably other things if i think about it hard enough. Those issues are complete deal breakers for me. Of course if never be nasty to anyone and id talk to them within reason but i would never pursue a friendship with someone with that type of view. Id be open to being friends if they were willing to discuss and re consider their views of course.
I think OP is right to find out if her friends views are the same as her husbands. It may be that she doesnt really know her husbands views or doesnt want to get involved though in which case its more tricky. It may also be that she could benefit from having a friend who didnt share her husbands views so that she would have someone to talk to about her own. It doesnt sound like her husband is a very tolerant person so maybe she is afraid?
Of course she may well be just as rabidly anti abortion as him in which case i think youd be justified in halting the friendship if you wanted to.

Ilovecaindingle Sat 21-Jan-17 20:08:40

With a neanderthal for a dh she prob needs all the friends she can get.

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