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Pregnant, knackered, DP paying for online cam girls

(22 Posts)
EyelinerAndSpraypaint Sat 21-Jan-17 14:02:22

Hi, have name changed as I know that people I know use this site and to be frank Im just embarrassed at my life right now and feel like I need a bit of outside perspective.

Also, this might be long, bare with me, I dont want to drip feed info.

Am currently 16 weeks pregnant with very unexpected first child, had been told many time by medical professionals that I would need fertility treatment in order to get pregnant as I was anovulatory due to PCOS, Met DP and caution was thrown to the wind regarding contraception and obviously I get pregnant, a grand total of 8 weeks into our relationship. DP took it well, all happy, lots of long talks ensued as to what to do, we jointly decided that as much as this is very much the wrong time for me to get pregnant that we would continue the pregnancy, DP moved in.

We've been having issues with him always thinking his opinion is the right one, he's very much used to being single and getting his own way and his own choice a lot. But we've spoken about this and he is definitely trying to improve this. I feel like his is actively participating in the relationship, is taking it upon himself to read up about pregnancy, has devised saving plan so I can have extended maternity leave etc etc. All good.

Before we were together DP lived in a flat share and had a couple of short term relationships and one longer one (2.5 years) over a 10 year period. When he was single he admits to using a lot of porn and specifically paying for cam sites, the ones where you 'tip' women money in order for them to perform sex acts on webcam. He stated he was ashamed of this cam site usage. I told him categorically that I dont like porn, that i think it is damaging to all involved and to those viewing it.

Two months or so into the relationship, I found a message on the iPad on Skype from him to a cam site girl asking her if she still worked on the site, she hadn't responded. I went onto Skype as I was planning on using it to call a cousin in Australia. Asked him about it, he said it was just a moment of fleeting curiosity and that it wouldn't happen again, I chose to forget about it and move on.

I need more sleep than DP - pregnant and recently started a new job, so generally go to bed about 9:30 and he comes up at midnight.
I wanted to have a look at wall papers online whilst he was at work the other day and asked him for his password to the laptop so i could see them on a bigger screen, rather than my phone, he told me the password.
Not sure why but I clicked on his history. it was absolutely chock full of porn sites, but specifically lots of hits on one particular cam site. I also found online payment receipts, of about £60 for this cam site. Some days there were up to 200 different pages of porn/cam sites in the history, more on days when I was at work and he was off, but he has clearly been using these sites when Ive gone to bed.

Now my issue is, I get that he wants to use porn, thats his choice, I dont want to know, but the use of the cam sites, the paying of these women to perform for him, to interract with them, to get them to do sexual things he want them to do for him, thats too much for me. I feel very much that a boundary has been crossed by him interacting with women sexually, be that via the internet.

I confronted him about it, he admitted it straight away, but he likens porn and cam sites as the same thing, but to me they're very different, Id feel the same way of he went to a strip club, let alone went to a strip club and paid for a dance. We've spoken about it for hours and i think he understands my point of view.

He apologised profusely, has promised that he won't do it again, but I just cant trust that he won't. I feel vulnerable as fuck anyway, pregnant, new relationship, new job and this. I dont know how far my boundary has been crossed. I just know that it hurts that he is willing to pay strangers to touch themselves for him when Im asleep upstairs, it just seems to smack as a lack of respect. I dont know.

Sorry for the length, well done if you managed to get through it.

Opinions on a post card please.

Faete Sat 21-Jan-17 14:05:32

He has an addiction. 200 sites in a day?

He needs professional help if he wants to stop.

mistressWiseGuy Sat 21-Jan-17 14:06:59

I'm really sorry and I see you're in a very delicate situation but personally I absolutely would not trust that he would not do this again, and if it was me I would end the relationship. I know it's not that simple as you're pregnant but honestly I could not be with someone like that.

EyelinerAndSpraypaint Sat 21-Jan-17 14:08:53

re the 200 sites in a day - He says its where he's clicked on a video and then watched a bit, decided its not for him and then looked at a different video.

TurkeyDinosaurs Sat 21-Jan-17 14:09:04

Regardless of your infertility, why didn't you use a condom to protect from STDS? Genuine question.

ohfourfoxache Sat 21-Jan-17 14:10:05

I'm sorry to be blunt, but if he's like this so early on then it is unlikely to get better

EyelinerAndSpraypaint Sat 21-Jan-17 14:10:13

Turkey - because I was foolish and made a mistake, we had unprotected sex twice.

PotatoWaffleCob Sat 21-Jan-17 14:11:08

So it took him 200 attempts to find a video he likes? Bull. Utter shite.

EmilyRosanne Sat 21-Jan-17 14:12:47

His porn usage might possibly be a bit of escapism from the real world which must have got very serious very fast for both of you and facing new responsibilties in such a new relationship but if it was me I'd feel the same about webcam girls as its definatley more on a personal level than watching a porn video and paying for the privilege with a new baby on the way would be enough for me to call it a day but only you can decide where you boundaries are and whether you can give him another chance without always wondering if he is still doing it.

EyelinerAndSpraypaint Sat 21-Jan-17 14:14:40

That what I think, he's been watching it over an extended period, a couple of hours of so.

Ive told him I can and will continue this pregnancy alone, I can and will bring this child up, he seemed genuinely scared that I was going to ask him to leave, fuck, I dont know.

Maybe its ingrained behaviour that won't change and I choose to put up or shut up, or maybe he can stop it and things be ok.

JustHereForThePooStories Sat 21-Jan-17 14:18:50

5 months into a relationship, would you accept this kind of behaviour if you weren't pregnant?

ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh Sat 21-Jan-17 14:19:12

Turkey in the what way are you helping the OP? Oh your not! Your just trying to make her feel stupid? Well done.

Daily porn use isn't good. And camming is a really horrible industry, I know a couple of girls who've done it and they don't feel happy about it now.

You sound very sensible. I think you know the answer really.

category12 Sat 21-Jan-17 14:19:55

So you've been together about 6 months and the accidental pregnancy greatly speeded up the relationship into living together and all that, when presumably you wouldn't have moved him in that fast otherwise?

I think maybe you guys should have just carried on seeing each other and getting to know each other rather than being panicked into couple-commitments by the pregnancy. Cos you don't really know each other and you are starting to find out some pretty grim stuff about him.

I'd think about him moving out again, and aiming to develop a co-parenting relationship and if you really want to continue dating him, have that as a bit of a separate thing. You don't have to trap yourself into a unsatisfactory relationship with someone who happened to get you pregnant.

EyelinerAndSpraypaint Sat 21-Jan-17 14:20:28

No, probably not. It seems really hard to admit that.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Sat 21-Jan-17 14:20:53

He won't stop it. If you stay with him, you have to accept that you are staying with a man who uses (present tense) those sites. So the question is: is that a man you are happy to remain with and raise your child with?

If the answer is yes, that is of course your call, but please don't kid yourself that you will stay with him and he will stop, because he really won't.

PatriciaHolm Sat 21-Jan-17 14:23:40

Realistically, you've ended up rushing into a serious relationship with someone you barely know, who has a serious porn addiction.

Would you even be with him by now if you weren't pregnant?

sanityisamyth Sat 21-Jan-17 14:24:39

My ExH was using online cam sites (and paid for them from our joint account he refused to let me have access to and only my salary went into). He went on to use online dating sites and I confronted him about his behaviour when DS was less than a year old. He admitted he'd met someone on the dating site. I kicked him out.

I wouldn't trust your DP an inch. It is really hard bringing up a LO on your own, but so much easier just being able to rely on yourself if you have got an unsupportive and untrustworthy partner.

EyelinerAndSpraypaint Sat 21-Jan-17 14:25:26

The pregnancy has definitely sped up the relationship, I have my own home and a mortgage etc and wouldn't have considered him moving in otherwise.

Because of him trying to improve things and his single bloke attitude Im wavering on giving him a second chance, but then the cam usage is abhorrent to me, i feel like I'm sat on the fence of my own bloody life.

EyelinerAndSpraypaint Sat 21-Jan-17 14:26:47

and yes I know Ive fucked up, I know this situation is shit and that its equally my doing, honestly I know I've made bad choices here.

ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh Sat 21-Jan-17 14:34:21

Honestly, it's a very minor fuck up in the scheme of things. And you obviously want the baby, so it will be a beautiful and joyful fuck up. You'll manage whatever you decide to do with the Dad.

I think categories advice is superb.

babymouse Sat 21-Jan-17 14:56:13

It's about six months in and he can't even bother to hide it from you? I'm not anti-porn, but 200 sites in one day on a newish relationship? And he lives in your home?

I think you know what you need to do.

EyelinerAndSpraypaint Sat 21-Jan-17 14:56:54

Categories advice is sensible, measured and a balanced approach to it all.

He tells me he loves me, sometimes he shows it. I dont know if I love him, which probably means that I dont really.
Its almost like my head says 'just make the break, parent apart' but then my hormones, my heart, whatever, say 'give him another shot'. I just feel a bit blindsided by it all.

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