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Why women should not remarry

(23 Posts)
Judy1234 Sat 24-Feb-07 13:17:03

I think Kathy Lette says it all in the Times today. Why would anyone divorced like me want to remarry, particularly given 60% of second marriages fail and given women like me pay huge sums out to men on divorce plus the damage to psychologial and physical health suffered by married women but not married men etc etc

"We’ ve got premonogamy tension
Our correspondent explains why women are jilting marriage
Kathy Lette

The institution of marriage is being jilted at the altar. The number of marriages is lower than Paris Hilton’s bikini line — the lowest level since records began 100 years ago. Britain also has the highest divorce rate in Europe. And, for the first time the majority of those divorces are being initiated by women. Wives are recycling husbands so fast that there should be a recycling bin at the bottle bank just for them. Green glass, brown glass. . . and then the “boring/cheating husband” bin.

As we know now that marriage suits men much more that it suits women — married men live longer than single men, suffer less heart disease and mental illness, whereas the reverse is true for females — it seems to me that it is women who are showing signs of PMT (premonogamy tension).

Women have read the small print on those marriage licences and wised up: being a wife damages your mental health, erodes your social life, dries up your libido and increases the odds that you will be assaulted or murdered in your own home. In a recent report on marriage, 42 per cent of women surveyed said that they often thought about running away with someone else. Half wished they’d never married. And a third found sex boring.

Ask any married woman the difference between a husband and a toy boy and she’ll tell you the same thing. About three hours. According to the same survey, one in three married women never reaches orgasm during sex. Many husbands seem to think that mutual orgasm is an insurance company. But what really inhibits a wife’s sexual desire is being taken for granted.

When you’ve worked all day, then come home to cook dinner, locate the lost sports kit, put on the washing, help with the homework, do the ironing etc etc, by the time you flop into bed the one thing you’re fantasising about is sleep. And then you get “The Hand” creeping stealthily over from his side of the bed. (Wives take note: if you’re really desperate for a good night’s sleep, this is the time to casually mention that the taxman rang and wants to audit his accounts. Not only will he lose the inclination for sex, he’ll also lose the desire for sleep, which means you won’t have to put up with his snoring either.)

The trouble is that the “have it all” superwoman has turned into the “do it all” drudge. Despite making up 50 per cent of the workforce, women still do 99 per cent of the childcare and housework. The Dunkirk evacuation was easier to organise than a working mum getting her kids up and out of the house in the morning — and all while hubby reads the paper. Men put their “domestic blindness” down to their inability to multitask. This is a biological cop-out. No male would have trouble multitasking at, say, an orgy.

More and more women are opting to live alone or to raise children on their own. If Jane Austen were alive today she’d be writing about a Mr Bennet trying to marry off his five sad sons. This is because the “hideous habit ratio” of spouses is about 100:1 in the husband’s favour. They think sitting on the toilet is a leisure activity. They’d rather die than ask directions (which may be why they always include a woman in the space shuttle now.) They believe that the petrol gauge reading “empty” is the signal to drive another ten miles.

But marriage can have its good points. It’s an immunisation against loneliness. And what a relief not to have to get naked in front of a stranger ever again. Nor to have to lie on your side to make your breasts look bigger. So, how to encourage women to see wedlock as more than a padlock? It seems to me that the equation is simple. Happy wife equals happy life. Husbands need to help more around the house. (It is scientifically proven that no woman ever shot her husband while he was vacuuming.) Husbands need to talk. (A wife often feels that her small intestine communicates with her more often than her husband.) Husbands must not confine affection to times of erection — hug her occasionally when she’s not horizontal.

Love prepares you for marriage the way needlepoint prepares you for round-the-world solo yachting. Nobody ever said marriage was going to be easy. In sickness and in health and all that — and believe me, if you marry into allergies there’s always going to be a little something wrong. He’ll always have a niggling ache somewhere. But perhaps we just need to love more realistically. Starting with the revamp of wedding vows. It’s not sickness, infidelity or lack of money that breaks up marriages; it’s cellulite, snoring or interrupting each other’s anecdotes. Or worse, correcting anecdotes. Vicars should say “in irritating, snorty laughing noises, in anecdote interruption and in equal amounts of housework . . . I now pronounce you man and wife.”

Then perhaps women will no longer feel they are being sacrificed on the altar.

flutterbee Sat 24-Feb-07 13:25:58

I think you have answered yourself Xenia, you mention "like me" in your opening paragraph twice.

It may not be the best thing for women like you to remarry but other women will remarry because that is what they want. It's personal choice end of discussion.

ScottishThistle Sat 24-Feb-07 13:33:37

Can't comment as I have yet to marry anyone & may well end up a Spinster!

I guess some women are just happier as part of a couple & some are just happy to do as they please...personal choice!

Sobernow Sat 24-Feb-07 13:40:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glitterfairy Sat 24-Feb-07 13:54:24

I laughed twice and nodded and ahah'd several times. As a recently divorced person perhaps I am not the best one to comment but certainly getting rid of my X was the most important, life enhancing and brilliant thing I have ever ever done. The idea of living with anyone ever again or hideous thought marrying them is a copmplete horror film. But then as I said I am only eighteen months into real freedom from a sociopathic personality disorded, neanderthal, for the first time in 17 years.

lazyemma Sat 24-Feb-07 14:15:36

god I hate Kathy Lette. Always making crashingly mundane, cliched observations with the triumphant air of one putting the finishing touches to a grand unified theory of everything.

Snaf Sat 24-Feb-07 14:30:15

Kathy 'no pun unintended' Lette. How that woman has managed to carve out a career as a 'writer' I'll never know.

noddyholder Sat 24-Feb-07 14:34:58

what utter garbage!

Saturn74 Sat 24-Feb-07 14:40:40

"PMT (premonogamy tension)"
I expect she finds being in possession of such an immensely high level of wit quite a burden. Such side-splittingly hilarious wordplay is rarely to be found outside a Ragweek joke book, IME. [hmmm]

Saturn74 Sat 24-Feb-07 14:41:46

Sorry, I meant [hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm], as in [extremely sceptical].

Judy1234 Sat 24-Feb-07 15:02:12

I always think she's quite funny. As glitterf says being rid of men can be quite life improving but also a lot of men do 50% of the housework and childcare so it's not always as Ms L describes.

Sobernow Sat 24-Feb-07 16:55:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zippitippitoes Sat 24-Feb-07 17:02:21


well her writing is terrible and boring

and err pointless

she doesn't actually say anything much about marriage exclusively and a negligible amount about relationships

toilet paper

noddyholder Sat 24-Feb-07 17:06:23

She is majorly over rated imo and just seems to witter on with nothing new and never really draws a conclusion.As for her books and her over bearing nature when interviewed!Can you tell i don't like her

zippitippitoes Sat 24-Feb-07 17:09:59

I think she's great

Judy1234 Sun 25-Feb-07 09:15:15

She married Geoffrey Robertson QC in 1990 and they have two children I think -

I think she can be clever and funny.

Glassofwine Sun 25-Feb-07 09:24:45

A sweeping generalisation me thinks - I re-married, my dh works long hours, often has meeting abroad and I'm a SAHM (yes Xenia a bored one). When he walks through the door it's team effort. If a loo needs cleaning or a meal must be cooked it could be either one of us that does it. In fact most Sundays he cleans the house to make my week easier. He knows I hate cleaning and before you point out that I am a SAHM I point out to you that I did not give up a good career to clean - I gave it up to look after my children.

My second marriage has been fantastic, we have the kind of relationship you only see in films and I didn't think actually exsited. So, what I am saying is that it's not about marriage its about the person you choose to be married to. I got it wrong once, so I don't suggest its easy.

Judy1234 Sun 25-Feb-07 11:08:33

That's nice, GoW. My ex husband and I had a very fair division of labour too. Lots of women don't manage that.

auntymandy Sun 25-Feb-07 11:12:22

I am happily re married and expecting my 3rd child with my new dh.
Divorce cost me nothing really. and my children to my first H seem ok. have our blips, but dont all families. And if it fails..I have had a happy few years.

Judy1234 Sun 25-Feb-07 11:14:51

That's good, all these nice second marriages. My divorce cost me a lot financially. I obviously should have been a stay at home mother instead.

shebbo Sun 25-Feb-07 11:15:12

where did you meet that good man of yours? you lucky and i wish you lifelong happiness.
it is so hard to meet that kind any more.
and there is another thing about to have a good relationship is the 2 people in it must be cut as relationship type persons.
i myself got used to being alone so much that i dont think i can do another relationship anymore.

Judy1234 Sun 25-Feb-07 11:20:29

Yes, one reason I wouldn't want too long alone between divorce and being with someone else. You could get too used to being single, whereas virtually all my adult life I was with my husband.

shebbo Sun 25-Feb-07 11:28:34

and i dont see too many happy relationships and marriages around, that makes me insist on living alone.

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