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My partners DS staying at weekends(142 Posts)
I'm 21 my partner is 27 been together 4 years.. We have a 2 year old DD together and he has an 8 year old DS from a previous relationship.
His DS stays with us Friday 5pm till Sunday 8pm every weekend. I have a great relationship with his DS and don't mind these weekends at all. However, my partner has a new job and requires him to work Saturdays and Sundays. This has been going on for 2 months and my weekends now consist of staying in the house taking care of our DD and his DS. (He has to use the car for work so I don't get to really go anywhere with the kids either).
I literally feel like I have no life right now. Through the week I take care of my DD, work part time and go to university aswell as keep on top of all house chores. Then by weekend all I have to look forward to is having another responsibility to take care of. No fun plans or anything like that. My partners ex who is the mum to his DS keeps commenting that we don't take him on enough fun trips out at the weekend. I feel bad about this of course but in my current situation it's difficult to just get up and go somewhere fun.
I had a chat with my DP recently about it and said is there any chance you could speak to work or look for a different job because your DS isn't spending much time with you. He went mad at me then saying I'm not supportive and I must have a problem with his DS which made me laugh because me and his DS get on well and everyone comments on this.
My partner doesn't seem to appreciate that I am cooking all of his sons meals, washing his clothes, keeping him entertained all weekend, chatting with him, helping him with his homework, tidying up after him etc all whilst taking care of our DD too. DP does non of these responsibilities and I feel like it is all down to me. For example this weekend his mum has requested DS must get his hair cut before we return him on Sunday. But partner can't because he is working so it is up to me to venture out in the cold with my DD and his DS and walk quite a journey to get it done..
Maybe I sound like an awful cow by even writing this and should just get on with it. But it's just I feel miserable about my weekends now. They are so lonely. I don't get to do anything remotely exciting anymore.
My partner thinks I am being unreasonable but what do you think?
Thanks in advance
YABU. I'm sure others will have better advice but he doesn't sound very nice and you are not unreasonable for wanting him to do his fair share. He's taking the piss frankly. You sound like a lovely mum and step mum.
YANBU, sorry!! Stupid phone auto corrected it!
Wow, no you are not unreasonable.
He is the parent so should look after his son and I assume he took the job without assessing the impact on his son or you.
What if you and him split up? What would he do?
You are very young and it's a massive responsibility to take on 2 children, especially as a step mum.
I really don't know what to advise as your partner got angry and defensive so he doesn't have to address the valid points you raised.
You can only try to discuss it with him again, if he won't be reasonable it's a case of walking from the relationship or tolerating it.Sadly there isn't anything else you can do.
Is this new job really worth all the disruption?
Please, please keep up Uni, it will be your way to supporting yourself if your partner continues to treat you as his live in housekeeper and childminder.
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If both children were yours, I expect you would still feel like this to an extent.
Thanks for your replies. It's good to see from others perspectives because my DP has a way of making me feel guilty for even having such thoughts.
If he wasn't with you and got the new job, what would happen with the existing childcare arrangement?
He is behaving like an arse.
Does DSS's mum know about this? I would not be impressed if my child was going off to supposedly spend time with their father, and was being dumped on his girlfriend instead. It's great that you have such a good relationship with DSS but contact is supposed to be with the child's parent
That's a fair point about what would he do if he wasn't with me. I think I might say this to him if we discuss it again. He has a couple of times come home from work, got ready to go on a night out whilst I look after both his children and then not returned till after 10am the next day.. yet I am the horrible one who is unreasonable.
His ex knows it is me taking care of him all weekend but she works some weekends too so I think she is just glad she has childcare sorted and isn't too fussed who is doing it tbh
I think you're being taken advantage of. Obviously you are going to find it tough to stand up to your DP and tell him things need to change because he's guilt tripped you.
He needs to step up and change something in the best interests of you or his DS. Either his work arrangements or SDS spends more weekends with his mother.
Have to ask where is she in all of this? If this was my DD I would already have said that she stays with me instead. Nothing against you but it's so obviously not how contact time should be going.
You're not being unreasonable at all OP, he is.
Just read your update. Why are you with this bloke, he is taking your for such a ride and you are so young.
You deserve much better
Thanks for the reply. You're right I do feel like I am being taken advantage of. And I don't like bringing it up anymore with him because I don't want to sound like I dont like his son because it is the complete opposite. I wouldn't have a problem with any child on this planet as I'm not like that at all. But it's true, these weekends are supposed to be about the son spending time with his dad not his dads girlfriend.
His mum works too at the weekends so doesn't like if my partner changes days or whatever because she would have to find alternative childcare.
His first responsibility is getting a job that means he can support and parent both of his children.
With those one then he can presumable help financially support them. But he can't parent his eldest child.
(What is he like with your child during the week? A lazy, thoughtless tool about that, too?)
You have to put your foot down for his child's sake as well as your own and your child's. Tell him he has to find another job within a few months, or swap his custody arrangements to having his child a combination of some weekends and some mid weeks.
Oh and on weekends his child is with you he should not be going out in the evening with mates!!
Thanks for the reply. Some good points here so will be using them myself when I have another discussion with him.
It doesn't feel fair at all and I often do think of leaving him whilst I'm still young and whilst my DD is still young.
He expects so much from me and so little from himself. It isn't a life to be living right now. I want to be making memories with my little girl not walking round the house looking for things to clean every weekend :/.
I'd listen to that instinct to consider leaving him, tbh. And I don't say that lightly.
Well he still sees his son in the evenings pocket - presumably he either had no choice about changing his hours or he felt they needed the money. Stopping him seeing his son at all is hardy the answer.
OP - does your partner get weekdays off in lieu of the weekends? Would it work better to change from the weekends to two or three of the weekdays whilst he's got to work this pattern? It does sound like a lot of work for you. I look after my stepdaughter a lot, when my partner is working late, or sometimes when she's working a Saturday etc, but very rarely whole weekends at a time.
I think you're updates say it all.
I promise you your life would be so much easier if you were to leave. Just think of how relaxed you would be?
He's basically got you imprisoned at home while he goes off and does what he wants, taking the car as well? He doesn't even get alternative travel arrangements to try and make life easier for you? He's a selfish dick.
He and his ex need to come to a better arrangement between themselves. They can't both work when they want with a child to look after. That's not how it would work if they were together.
I'd also add when my ex started working weekends which clashed with contact, the general view was that I would have to suck it up and change
My own life to work around him to enable him to see DD, so she has some responsibility in this too.
But honestly, OP this really isn't your problem. Be strong, make the break now, this clearly isn't the only issue in your relationship.
You sound in danger of becoming very downtrodden if you don't get out quick
Thank you for your reply. His job is minimum wage but he struggles with finding work so now he is in something abit more permanent he doesn't want to risk losing it. I understand and always support him. He does get time off through the week but his son lives an hour away so by the time he picks him up after school it will be quite late. Weekends and school holidays are the only option really. His mum is working weekends too so if he tries to change the current set up she will be annoyed at having to find someone else to look after her DS. She messaged me saying how glad she is that I am so nice to her DS and how he really loves me. I'd be the bad guy no doubt if I was the reason why all this changes
I know you're right broodybrooder and there has been lots of other issues but it is difficult to leave now I have a young child with him. I am definitely going to discuss this with him again and include the points you have made. Thanks
Jeez op, he is taking you for a complete mug. You are so young with your whole life ahead of you, dont waste it being with this lazy tosser
Yet she still complains if he doesn't have fun? She doesn't sort out his haircut and leaves it for the weekend knowing that she's leaving it on you?
Not good enough.
Of course they'd make you out to be the bad guy, because at the moment they are massively taking the piss and not taking responsibility.
If he's working and going out every weekend leaving you with two kids? When do you do uni work? Seriously, when do you actually get a break?
You've got nothing to feel guilty about. They are being unreasonable.
X-posted again! Sorry I feel really pissed for you so I keep rattling the posts out.
Good luck and I hope it works out. And honestly, it is straightforward in circumstances like this - when your supposed partner makes life harder and not easier, it's actually a lot easier then you think to make he break
Why is he having contact time with his ds when he's not present at all? What's the point?
What does he do to pick up the slack at home when he's off during the week?
OP. When I read these posts I am always absolutely staggered at how some men behave and how some women tolerate it. I am a lone parent of two little girls and every day I thank my lucky stars that I had a good education which allows me to build a career that means I will never be dependant on a man.
I say this not to sound smug or critical but to echo the point that you MUST stay at university and build your financial independence. Your DP us a selfish man child and your future happiness does not lie with him but in financial independence and with a new DP who respects you.
Thanks for your insights, I know what you all say is right deep down.
I also have a brother who is 7 and since he was born it's been my responsibility to ensure his homework is done, buy him essential clothing, to read with him, make sure he brushes his teeth, bath him and to pretty much do all the motherly things youre supposed to do. My mum is lousy and never does any of this. Now I have another child to take care of all weekend and make sure his hair cut is done for Monday, his homework is finished, his christmas cards for his class are all written etc. And it's difficult. Sometimes I have so many things to worry about that I don't feel like I am giving my DD as much attention as I should be doing. She is still so young I should be making lots of memories with her but instead I am taking on other responsibilities that aren't even mine
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