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HD and an ex-girlfriend

(21 Posts)
CostaRicanBananas Sat 21-Jan-17 10:11:44

Something DH let slip a few days ago made me think that he had been in touch with his famous ex. Today I snooped and sure enough there was an email from her about sponsoring a young person etc, but making it clear that they had spoken (not clear whether over the phone or personally). Her message was friendly but nothing else, and she referred to him as a friend on an attached message to the young person. He hasn't replied so I have no idea how he's approaching the contact.

In the past, I got very angry when I found out that he had approached her to get guest speakers for an event, as he's got lots of contacts still, but probably none that are in the peak of their career / fame as she is at the moment.

I am angry. I haven't said anything. Reasonable or unreasonable? Confronting him won't change his behaviour as we've been there before and he's obviously gone and done it again...

jeaux90 Sat 21-Jan-17 10:21:33

Why are you angry? Do you think that people shouldn't be allowed to be friendly with an ex?

JournosAreLazy Sat 21-Jan-17 10:24:04

What are you annoyed about exactly? There doesn't seem to be anything suspicious about the email from what you have described. There must be more of a backstory than this otherwise yes, you're being a bit unreasonable.

LemonSqueezy0 Sat 21-Jan-17 10:32:49

This seems like a mutually convenient and business based friendship between them - you've said the messages are about sponsorship of a young person, and events? Has there been any shenanigans in the past ?! Otherwise, I think you're being a bit unfair and controlling.

Gazelda Sat 21-Jan-17 10:36:05

I don't understand what you object to. Is it that he's been in touch with an ex? Is it that he's done so without telling you?

bloodyteenagers Sat 21-Jan-17 10:44:01

So he's in contact with an ex. And?
Either you trust him or you don't.
And why are you reading his private mail? :do you also read his texts, letters and any other correspondence?

CostaRicanBananas Sat 21-Jan-17 11:15:53

There was something that he said about a meeting which I knew straightaway to be a lie - and for whatever reason I thought it involved this ex. I am not justifying the snooping!!!

Why does it bother me? DH has a tendency to reach out to get exes when he wants something, and thinks that they can help. He's kept quiet about this latest development... oh and she's 10 years young and a successful athlete... I posted here as I feel that I need to retain some self-respect, and put it into perspective. I agree with the points that it's an ex, but and so what? However, are we really that blasé about our partners reaching out to people that they've had moments of intimacy and a history with? Is it really as simple as meeting up with an old uni friend? I am not convinced...

NewIdeasToday Sat 21-Jan-17 11:29:29

I expect he's kept quiet about it because he thought you make an enormous fuss about nothing if he mentioned it!!

jeaux90 Sat 21-Jan-17 11:29:36

This smacks of your own insecurities to me. No I wouldn't have an issue with a partner talking to or being friendly with an ex.

The fact that he hasn't told you is not right but maybe he suspects you will be angry and upset so hiding it is easier than being honest.

SandyY2K Sat 21-Jan-17 11:32:11

The conversation seems professional, friendly and harmless, however if you cannot be in a relationship with anyone who is friendly with their Ex or who you're unhappy with contacting their Ex, you need to say this at the beginning of any relationships you go into and the man can decide whether he still wants to be with you on those terms.

ShatnersWig Sat 21-Jan-17 11:33:17

It is perfectly possible to be friends with an ex and have a perfectly normal, friendly relationship. Many HAVE to be reasonable because of children and shared parenting, others because they both just fell out of love, the split was perfectly amicable but they still like each other as, you know, human beings.

You clearly have trust and/or insecurity issues (I noticed your "dig" about the fact this ex is 10 years younger and a successful athlete).

If I was your DH, I'd be furious that you'd snooped into something. And feel I wasn't trusted. And leave you.

SirMixALot Sat 21-Jan-17 11:37:25

I don't see what the problem is.

SleepFreeZone Sat 21-Jan-17 11:41:09

With respect OP unless your DH is also very successful and at the peak of his fame currently why on earth would his famous ex be interested in him romantically now?

bloodyteenagers Sat 21-Jan-17 11:41:40

Yes it's really that simple. Yes I am that blasé about it. I would be a hypocrite otherwise as I am still friends with some exes.
When you need something it's easier to reach out to existing contacts rather than trying to generate new leads.

scottishdiem Sat 21-Jan-17 11:52:52

You have a high degree of insecurity here.

My ex is probably my best friend (should never have got as far as it did but we were able to successfully dial it back and I think we basically pretend it never really happen but family and friends know). My DP is in contact with at least two Exes that I know about due to family connections and family issues.

I think its bad that he is lying to you but I can really see why he thinks that is an option.

CostaRicanBananas Sat 21-Jan-17 12:04:43

The comment about the ex wasn't a dig! I don't know her personally, and she's done amazingly well for herself!! It was a reference to my own insecurities blush

I hear you, and I am so glad that I posted here!! (instead of lashing out like a deranged and pathetic woman!!!!) confused

CostaRicanBananas Sat 21-Jan-17 12:05:49

Thank you flowers

SandyY2K Sat 21-Jan-17 12:06:45

With respect OP unless your DH is also very successful and at the peak of his fame currently why on earth would his famous ex be interested in him romantically now?

Sorry, but this is , with respect, nonsense.

So you believe famous people are only interested in other famous people? By that logic we'd only see famous/celeb couples, where each party is independently famous.

SleepFreeZone Sat 21-Jan-17 15:02:03

I would expect that famous people at the peak of their careers could definitely pick and choose. Why would this ex pick OPs husband as a romantic option? The truth is that she has moved onto bigger and better things and either OPs husband still enjoys the kudos of this relationship ie. he can email someone famous and elicit a response or its all entirely innocent and he is trying to get some soup port for a charity project or similar.

Personally I would be much more concerned by an email exchange with Fiona from accounts than I would a celebrity ex.

SleepFreeZone Sat 21-Jan-17 15:02:36


pegomassive1 Sat 21-Jan-17 15:11:34

I'm in contact with my ex. We see each other maybe 1/2x a yeah at mutual friends parties and I value his professional opinion as he's very successful in his choosen field.
I loved him once and dh knows this its no secret but dh doesn't see him as a threat, because he isn't, so he's ok with it!

Personally I have no issues with contact with ex partners as long as it's above board which from what you've told us it is!

He probably doesn't tell you about these things because you get angry and unreasonable.

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