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He said she was his soulmate

(39 Posts)
user1472557500 Sat 21-Jan-17 08:45:29

I'm really struggling at the moment to cope and wonder if anyone can help me deal with what is going on in my life. I feel deeply depressed and scared.

The story is I've been trying to reconcile with my DP, we went to counseling yesterday for the first time and it's ending up him just using the session to offload his side of the story, tell everything I did wrong and tell me he wants to separate and just work out a co-parenting schedule. I'm just totally devastated.

The history is that he has been having an affair with a co-worker and left me in August last year. He treated me very badly during this time and we have been on the road to seperating our lives since then. We've had the house on the market and just had a cordial relationship because we have two small children. He's always been planning on starting a new life with her but she is married (now divorcing) and also has a pre-school child so I think it's complicated for them to just set up home.

So over Christmas we spent time together in our family home that me and the children have been living away from. We've been at my Mums and this is because I've been suicidal at times and needed family support - where the family home is is really remote, isolated, I have no friends or family there and impossible for me to find work around. So during Christmas we lived as we did before the affair - a happy, normal family in our family home but me and him just had a friendly co-operative relationship rather than romantic.

When Xmas was over me and the kids returned to my Mums with the long term plan of continuing to rebuild my life as a single mother by me finding work and a new home etc. But he calls and says he realizes he's made a huge mistake and that he wants his family back and wants me. I am very shocked as he has been so definite in his desire for splitting.

Anyhow after some thought and discussion I decide that I should return and we should try and rebuild the relationship. From my point of view it was a good relationships with some problems to do with money and sex that could be resolved over time. I knew we could have a good sex life again because we had resumed it during last summer when he was beginning to tell me about the affair. And I knew I could get a job and help with the money issues.

So when I arrived back only 8 days ago we became intimate again, our sex life becoming excellent and he started to say he loved me again and that we should get married. We have been together 10 years and were engaged but the busyness of kids stopped us planning a wedding. He booked a romantic weekend away and brought me beautiful underwear. But I'd only been back a few days when he started having panic attacks. He started saying he needed to see a therapist urgently and he was prescribed emergency tranquilizers.
I thought this reaction was very strange for someone who had essentially got their life partner back and was starting the beginning of rebuilding the relationship. I knew we'd need counseling and it would take me time to forgive him but I thought the first steps were promising. His bodily reaction said otherwise though.

He was becoming increasingly agitated and booked us in to see a couples counselor, getting an appointment in less than a day. So two days ago we went to the counsellor and he told his side of the story, he didn't want to hear mine at all. He had no desire to listen and build but to just state his grievances against me.

So he said we'd had an unhappy relationship and I had turned him away, that our second child came between us when she was a baby (she's only two now), that I had not allowed him to parent 50/50 (absolutely untrue), complained about my extended breastfeeding. He then went on to say he was incredibly unhappy that I had not immediately returned to work when the kids were one year old so he felt he had all the financial responsibility (I did return to work and worked for a year earning way more than him but when 2nd child came we decided it was too hard to both work when they were so tiny so we moved to a cheaper house away from the city affordable on one salary with the plan I'd stay home until the youngest was 3 then I'd build a freelance business from home).
The thing that hurt so much was him saying that he had met his soulmate in this other woman- he said he was attracted to me but wondered if it was enough. He said she listened and was a true friend that turned into a something more. I didn't know he was unhappy, he never told me. I'm the kind of person who loves to talk about emotions and think I am definitely the person you want on your side if you're facing life problems as I'm practical, pragmatic and hard working but he says I'm impossible to talk to.

He then blamed me for his affair, for having to confide in someone else because life for him was so unhappy. He then was pretty remorseless and said now he wanted 50/50 separate co-parenting and for me to not leave the family home again he would go to his Mums, for me to get a job in the locale and for us to never be together again. He was furious with me. He also said me taking the kids to my Mums was so despicable he'd never be able to love me. I explained I did it because he'd left me for her and I was so sick emotionally it was an emergency. I was on tranquilizers and all my family came from all over to help. It was hell. I also pointed out that I brought the kids back for 2 long periods at enormous emotional cost to me and also interrupted my job search and rebuilding work to do so. All because I wanted him to see the kids. He doesn't really accept this and is still angry.

So that's it now- he has left, he has the kids at his Mums as he wants them all weekend and I am here in the house alone.

Please please can anyone help me?

Enough101 Sat 21-Jan-17 08:55:02

What a bastard! You are better off without him if he's going to mess with your head like that. Ok, this is going to be shit but you will come through it. Would it be easier for you to go back to your mums when the kids are back? Sounds like he has lulled you back to the house so you and the kids are where he wants you to be, and now doesn't want to be there. You need to be wherever is right for you and the children. Is your mums lose to the kids school and stuff? How disruptive is this for them? Or can your mum come to stay with you? Who owns the house? If both, you need to see a solicitor and draw a line under this. He is likely confused and will possibly try to come back again. Either way, you don't want to be playing second fiddle to his 'soulmate'. By the way, she isn't his soulmate, she just seems that way while he was getting bored in the relationship. If and when they get together properly, it probably won't last. Good luck.

user1472557500 Sat 21-Jan-17 08:57:49

yes Enough, I do feel tricked into coming back. He has also got the kids a place in the local nursery already.

He is controlling me but I am weak both emotionally and financially and my family are 100's of miles away.

HalfShellHero Sat 21-Jan-17 09:00:24

He sounds awful and your better off without him , very cruel and manipulative.

Ellapaella Sat 21-Jan-17 09:04:51

Well you'll certainly be better off without him in your life - he sounds like he is either truly utterly deluded or desperately trying to we-write history to suit his own agenda and alleviate himself of guilt. Of course the other woman wasn't his 'soul mate' - she was just someone who gave him the adoration he so obviously requires at a time when you were busy and weighed down with family life and other responsibilities. And you were right to move back with your family at that hard time if that's what you needed to do. Carry on with the separation, sell the house and move back nearer to your parents OP - let him get on with it, at some point he will have to face up to what he did and what kind of person he is. You deserve better. Your kids will be just fine.

Msqueen33 Sat 21-Jan-17 09:05:53

What a fucker! He's turning this all on you to justify his affair. Personally I would break away from him. You deserve a lot more than this. To forgive him in the first place was a really strong thing to do and now he's back to being a complete dick. Do you own or rent? I'd look to sell and move to be nearer my family personally.

WatchingFromTheWings Sat 21-Jan-17 09:13:53

I'd head back to parents if it were me. He wants you isolated and alone. I'd be packing while I have the weekend to myself, maybe move stuff over to parents place. Say nothing when he brings the kids home then ship out first thing Monday. X

kittybiscuits Sat 21-Jan-17 09:19:33

^^ this. What he horrible manipulative man. His affair partner probably decided to reconcile with her H and he panicked and asked you to stay with him. You have to put yourself and your DCs because this selfish fucker is only thinking about himself.

Rio2016GB Sat 21-Jan-17 09:26:43

Sending you strength for the coming months.

It's hurts like nothing else right now. But you'll come through the other side a stronger more beautiful woman.

Please don't let him manipulate your situation. You need to decide what's best for you and the kids. Let your friends and family help, they will give you love and help you remould your life.

He's making it all about him right now. Bugger that. .... it's now all about you and your kids future.

Mumsneters are here to suport you and give advice and a sounding board. It saved me many times.

wine flowerscake

JanuaryMoods Sat 21-Jan-17 09:27:02

When you have the DCs back pack and leave.

jeaux90 Sat 21-Jan-17 09:27:39

Yep I agree with pp head back to your folks where you have support. He sounds like a card carrying asshole x

0dfod Sat 21-Jan-17 09:28:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angryangryyoungwoman Sat 21-Jan-17 09:29:11

I agree, he is only thinking of himself. You have behaved responsibly and fairly from what you have said here. Step away from him, you are worth more

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Sat 21-Jan-17 09:29:11

Do exactly what Watching advises, do not let him isolate you. Your family sound fantastic, it will be good for you & DC to be with them. Who gives a shit if he's got them in a local nursery, it's not his sole decision to make. He wants out, he doesn't get to call the shots on how you live your life or where you live it.

Dinnerout1 Sat 21-Jan-17 09:29:20

His affair is nothing to do with you and not your fault! He chose to cheat on you. Many many many people who have affairs blame the other partner for making them do so which is pathetic! You sound like a lovely woman who is caring and loving and he sounds like a complete and utter dick! Best rid with him and thank your lucky stars that you still have a future full of happiness waiting for you. It's going to be a bad time for you but break ups normally are like that. Just getting over the hurdle over emotions and being strong. You have two children who doesn't want a mum weak! Or suisidal mum! You need to be here for your children, trying to take your life and ending it won't help the situation but make it worse. Your children need you and love you, they didn't hurt you, or cheat on you. Your fiancé did but you deserve to live a free happy life and not feel guilty about what he's been up to. He sounds bloody selfish basically blaming you for everything! What a piece of arse he is! He's doing that so it makes him feel that his affair was on to do it! And he's getting angry because he knows he's in the wrong! Please don't try to kill yourself because this horrible piece of shite has treated you badly. You will get through this and one day your look back and see how silly it was to have thoughts of dying and your be glad you chose to live because no man is worth dying for if he's treated you so badly. Hope you feel better soon and take care xxx

CheekyNandosChicken Sat 21-Jan-17 09:34:31

It's part of the script for abusive ex's to blame their partner 100% for the affair. By blaming their partner, they are excusing themselves for having an affair and it helps make his new love as "destiny" and "meant to be". Do not accept his version of events. Do not bother fighting him over the details. Tainting your time together is his way of saying that he put up with you but had to go. My ex pulled this shit when he left and had me doubting myself but we were happy in the past.

Tell your ex that you are putting the family home on the market and go back to your mums. He is threatened by you recovering and getting stronger. You are reverting to the woman he fell in love with (confident, beautiful and earning more than him) so of course he'd come sniffing. It obviously felt good that you'd reconcile and have sex with him despite the affair. You need to end the physical side however sorry he is. You deserve to be treated better.

Olympiathequeen Sat 21-Jan-17 09:35:26

Do you have any close friends who can support you. You need to get it clear in your own mind what you want and need. This man is just pulling you all over and leaving you bewildered. He has behaved terribly. Him, not you. He is doing what all cheating men do and blaming you for his actions. Only one person has behaved badly. Him.

Wipe from your mind all the false promises and new beginning crap and get back on track with your plans to start again without him. If you could go and stay with your family this weekend just not to be alone.

Guitargirl Sat 21-Jan-17 09:36:24

What a horrible man.

Do you feel angry? I think it's time to start taking control back from that awful man. Your post does sound very passive. That's not a criticism, you were obviously trying to do your best for the relationship to work.

But now you can accept that's not going to happen and make moves towards the future that is right for you and your DCs. Screw him and where he thinks you should be living. He should have thought of that when he was with his 'soulmate'.

What kind of a bastard says that his child has come between him and the child's mother. Make a note of all these kind of things he says, it may be useful when it comes to negotiating access.

Good luck OP.

alembec Sat 21-Jan-17 09:47:40

User first of all massive hugs. You've been put through the wars and it is no wonder you feel in such a shit place, that said I think you are being very strong for yourself and your kids and you must carry on.

Can I ask if you have thought hard about what you want? To me, it seems that you do still have some feelings for your DP, and I'm sure in an ideal world you'd love to have your old family back and get over the turmoil of the ow and the affair. But what I mean is, is what you want in reality a family life, with a supportive and loving partner and father to your children, and to be happy in yourself? You have to accept that if that is what you really want, he may just not be the man for it.

His dithering and fucking about with living arrangements, his feelings towards you and the ow, suggests that he is confused and uncertain. Unfortunately only he can sort out his own feelings and figure out what he wants, and it's not fair to ask you to accommodate him and his ow (soulmate. Whatever) on his terms. Counselling as a couple or on his own may help him, but it cannot garantee that he will come back to you, and you have to accept that.

You have to be strong and make plans for a true separation, legally, financially, for DC contact, and your career as a single parent. Once you go down that route with your head held up high, you will realise that you CAN do it, and it will give you immense power in how you deal with the DP, because you can tell him honestly that you wont accept anything less than full apology, a total cut from the ow, total love and appreciation for you. And if he can't do that, he can fuck right off so you can get on with your new and hopefully brilliant life, with the support of your lovely family and Dc, and in time you might well meet the partner you deserve.

Please keep posting, I'm going through something similar (10yr unmarried, 1 dc, emotional affair, lots of dithering back and forth and now 3 sessions into couples counselling to see what we can salvage from the wrecks). I only got better when I realised that what I thought was the worst outcome (losing my home life and my exdp) wasn't so bad at all, as I have the love of my family, I love my dc, and I'm picking up my career again and have been asked out by good looking men. I realised I'm too good to be fucked around by a dick. Sure, for the sake of our history and our child, IF he sorts himself out and is committed to making our relationship work, I would consider giving it a go, but I will not tolerate ANYTHING that jeopardises my needs and will leave him in an instant.

Good luck.

MudCity Sat 21-Jan-17 09:49:27

I feel for you OP, I really do.

Please do not let yourself respond to the whims of this man. You will be blown from pillar to post while HE decides what he wants. Fact is, he doesn't know what he wants.

For your own sanity, decide what it is YOU want and what YOU need. Focus only on yourself and look after yourself.

My heart goes out to you. Spend time with people who love and care for you. Let him be chaotic and stupid by himself.

flowers for you OP.

PollytheDolly Sat 21-Jan-17 09:52:06

I hope the OW isn't going to take him back either!

What an arsehole. My god, don't let him mess your head any further.


alembec Sat 21-Jan-17 10:00:27

Also, start just saying no to him. If it doesn't suit you, say no. When you have done that a few times, it is very empowering. Insist he sees the kids back at a time and in a way that suits you. Insist on email communication. Don't have sex with him. Don't make him a cup of tea.

My ex, when I started putting my foot down, acted like a stroppy toddler. He climbed on the dining table and took down a picture he bought as a present for me, saying it was never a present, and took two brandy glasses I bought as a present for him. Him leaving the house with a picture and two brandy glasses tucked under his arm and muttering insults at me was so comedy that it made my week. See these men for who they are, entitled men children, not the amazing partner/fathers/professionals they would like to think.

Velvian Sat 21-Jan-17 10:02:31

Op, what a cock your DP isflowers
He has absolutely no right to decide where you will live. I would go to your parents' for now & if it is not feasible for the dcs to be at the nursery on the days when the dcs are with you you can arrange that with the nursery. When everything is settled down you can start planning on getting back to your career part-time, full-time, WFH whatever you want.
I have no time for ideas of "soulmates" or "the one"- they're just excuses for not putting any effort in. Dp will realise this eventually & will either have to put the effort in with the new partner or just repeat with a new "soulmate"- so childish.

TheElephantofSurprise Sat 21-Jan-17 10:03:31

What an unpleasant man!
You've seen who he really is - someone who will trick you, manipulate you, use situations that should be helpful to you as a couple purely to his own advantage - use this knowledge to shore up your resolve to be without him for good.
Back to your parents, temporarily, and start your new life. Good luck.

TheTroutofNoCraic Sat 21-Jan-17 10:24:38

Poor OP. You have been through a horrible time. He is an utter bastard. End of.
It is evident that the other woman has dumped him, or did around Xmas.
You deserve so much better.

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