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Separate bedrooms

(19 Posts)
Francks Sat 21-Jan-17 00:28:27

Does anyone in a LTR / marriage have their own bedroom? I really want my own space. A study, or something. Then when I was thinking about it I realised that it's quiet time at bedtime I really value, and that would be much easier if I had my own room. Not necessarily to sleep in every night, but for mental as well as physical space. Can anyone make that work? Or is it impossible to raise the subject without it sounding like a precursor to splitting up? (Which is not what I want)

Jaguarana Sat 21-Jan-17 00:34:47

DH & I have been married for a very long time & we've had separate bedrooms for years. We both need our own space, and also he is an early bird whereas I'm a night owl, and we both snore and wake each other up. Having separate bedrooms works very well for us. Oh, and we do have visiting rights! wink I don't remember how it came about though, so I can't advise on how to raise the subject.

Joysmum Sat 21-Jan-17 00:38:26

Yep. DH snores. I need my sleep otherwise I'm a sleep deprived grump monster.

It works well but we need to be more direct about wanting sex and so that's no longer spontaneous. I miss as that sad

MangosteenSoda Sat 21-Jan-17 00:42:15

I would love to sleep in a snore free zone! Unfortunately, my husband, my toddler and my labrador ensure it's surround sound in this house.

Own bedroom and bathroom sounds brilliant.

LurkinMerkin Sat 21-Jan-17 00:52:18

I'm the same as jagurana op, absolutely adore my DH but he snores like a mating walrus and I'm a light sleeper. We've been together over 8 years, married for 2.5 and we have slept separately most nights since we started living together 5 years ago. I'm a night owl and potter about til the wee hours, he is religiously in bed at 10pm andup at 6am ( iWork flexi and like to get up a bit later).

I don't understand the requirement to force two people to share a bed if it makes one or both unhappy, we sometimes share at the weekend and conjugal visits are something we just build in and then go out seperate ways to sleep it off grin

Explain how you feel to your DP, perhaps trial it for a bit and make an effort to do things together when you are awake.

I don't think my relationship with DH would have survived if we didn't have our own space at night, a good sleep is so important for mental and physical wellbeing.

Slight complication now in that I'm 31 weeks pregnant with pfb..but we'll work out how to manage the new arrival between us somehow I'm sure! X

WildRunner Sat 21-Jan-17 00:53:01

We do separate rooms during the week. I'm up very early, and go to bed several hours earlier. I also get home very late, so separate rooms means I get properly calm, own-space time when I really need it. It only happened because of Dry January - we were both tossing and turning and keeping each other awake to start with. Now it means we both sleep better, and the weekends are for us. And occasionally he slips into "my" bed in the early hours, and it's really lovely waking up and knowing he's there. Even if he doesn't have to get up. The bastard.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Sat 21-Jan-17 00:58:19

I had a separate room to DH after he had knee surgery a few years ago and needed more space in bed. I hated it and felt lonely, and kept making excuses to sneak into his room (and bed) to talk and watch TV with him. He admitted he felt the same and we gave up on the separate rooms as soon as his stitches had come out.

noego Sat 21-Jan-17 01:18:52

I'm guessing it will wear out the carpet on the landing tho grin)

ErrolTheDragon Sat 21-Jan-17 01:19:22

We celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary recently and we've had separate bedrooms for about half of that. It just evolved with us after DD was born for various reasons. We have different sleeping habits...he had lights out ages ago but will probably be reading the news at 5am and then going back to sleep. Of course, they're not 'private' spaces, there are no metaphorical 'keep out' signs.

There have been threads like this before - lots of happy couples have separate rooms.

shadowfax07 Sat 21-Jan-17 01:39:21

We have separate bedrooms. It started when I had an operation, but the last time we had to sleep in the same bed, apparently I kept waking him up by flinging my arms around. confused

You don't have to only have sex in bed at bed time, you know. grin

Joysmum Sat 21-Jan-17 02:28:54

You don't have to only have sex in bed at bed time, you know grin

Thank you so much for that, I didn't know hmm

dudsville Sat 21-Jan-17 02:39:31

Oh, I am currently awake because i had a lovely quiet evening to myself and went to bed early and then OH came in, put something on my head and when I woke up in complaint mode he didn't have the decency to apologise. I turned over, thinking what an idiot he is. I only ever think and feel this way during these experiences. Anyway, he proceeded to go to sleep. I, on the other hand, have got up, put some laundry on, had a little bite to eat and am now mning. I think there will come a day when we have separate bedrooms.

Aquamarine1029 Sat 21-Jan-17 04:08:32

SO MANY people have separate bedrooms from their partners and it works out beautifully. Just make sure you keep the sexual spark alive. You don't need the same bedroom to do that.

confuddledDOTcom Sat 21-Jan-17 04:14:34

My husband worked away so much that when he was home it was the only way we could sleep so now he has his own room because the sofa was messy! I'm non-mono and a lot of non-monos have their own rooms, different reasons to ours mind.

If it's not an issue to you two then there's no reason it should be an issue.

Noneedforasitter Sat 21-Jan-17 08:47:31

I have a room which essentially no one else uses, although it isn't technically mine IYSWIM. It isn't a bedroom, just somewhere to sit and read with music playing at the weekend. I love it, but it has definitely affected my relationship with DP, and I have to restrict myself from using it too much because it cuts me off from the family. I imagine a bedroom would be a much bigger issue in a relationship, so I would be careful if you want to preserve the partnership.

Francks Sat 21-Jan-17 09:19:48

Hmm. No landing carpet problem foreseen! We don't do that anyway... And the only possible room is in the basement... It would definitely create more of a co-parenting housemates vibe I think.

Without the snoring / different sleep patterns/ flinging limbs excuses, any ideas for starting the conversation?

Joysmum Sat 21-Jan-17 09:21:16

I've never needed a room to myself when awake because my DH and DD know I like my own quiet time to unwind and respect a closed door or when I tell them I need some alone time.

extrabiotin Sat 21-Jan-17 12:02:48

At the moment we have separate houses! Don't laugh. I live and work in the city, DP lives and works an hour away from me in the country.

Best of both worlds. We are older though, I'm talking over 50 and probably a bit set in our ways. Not married and no children on either side either.

We did talk about selling up and buying a property together, but that convo is still ongoing!

We don't have separate bedrooms on mutual visiting days weekends for obvious reasons lol.

But if we were living together permanently I absolutely would need my own bedroom and bathroom. No question about it.

Am I weird?

Jamhandprints Sat 21-Jan-17 12:11:59

Dh and I were in our 30's when we got together and really struggle to share a room. I'd love my own room but we don't have a spare. If you do then go for it. Why dont you start by setting up a room to be a girly space and sleep in "sometimes"...and see how it goes.

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