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Struggling

(6 Posts)
Rekorderlig Fri 20-Jan-17 23:47:33

I'm struggling so much with my existence right now. I've suffered a recent bereavement of a close family member, and this has brought all sorts of feelings and memories to the surface about my childhood. I have been in denial for so many years, I guess I just wanted to write it down and make myself have to deal with it, and somehow find a way to deal with the horrific shame I feel. I've managed to minimise this for years, telling myself everyone had an upbringing like mine. Compared to stories I've read and been told, personally I still think it wasn't that bad, and that I'm weak to let it effect me now. Even talking about this feels incredibly selfish and wrong, I'm so sorry.

I was emotionally abused and neglected by both of my parents. I remember being woken up so many times as a young child by shouting and by the sound of objects being thrown around. The first time this happened I went downstairs, and saw my mum holding a hammer, threatening my dad with it. She put it down when she saw me and my dad launched into a total rant about how crazy she was, that she murdered my sibling (I have since found she had a termination when I was 2) and at least now I have seen her for what she is. I ran and hid in the airing cupboard in my bedroom, this became my sanctuary of sorts, my safe place, I never went downstairs again. This went on for years until they split up when I was 13.

My dad suffered from severe depression, and I remember finding him face down in the kitchen in vomit and pills when I was 9 or 10, my mum wasn't there and I called an ambulance. One thing that always sticks with me, is what he said to me, when he woke up. He called me a total bitch like my mother for calling an ambulance, and that he just wanted to die. I've never been able to talk about any of this, I was made to feel ashamed of my feelings and told I was weak and pathetic for crying. Every single, crappy thing that happened was not to be talked about, and I when tried, I was told to forget about, and that it's not important.

After my parents separated, I suffered from horrendous depression myself, and tried many times to kill myself, with little success. Again all I got was no empathy or compassion, just the endless, why are you doing this and how selfish I was.The hardest thing I find to reconcile is there was no physical or sexual abuse, just no emotion, no love, just complete emptiness. I struggle to understand that I know people who have suffered such worse horrors than me, why I'm left so screwed up because of what I went through, and they are coping so much better. I've believed for years it's because I'm weak. I'm left under no illusion that my upbringing or lack of it caused me to make the worst mistake of my life.

I met a man when I was 19, we were together for 8 months, only 8 bloody months. With hindsight I now know how horrific he was, but back then nothing would have made me leave him. He was so controlling, violent to me both physically and sexually. He completely destroyed me. I quit my college courses, became an alcoholic and drug user. If it wasn't for my current, amazing partner, who I met 6 months after this happened I think I would be dead, or completely lost forever. We've been together over 12 years now, but my past is haunting my dreams and I have emotional flashbacks. Sometimes I can physically feel his hands choking me, I feel pain down there, I feel trapped, I can't escape. The fear is unbearable, but its from 13 years ago, but I can't get over it. I just feel so much shame, I feel disgusting, I hate myself for letting these things happen, for not protecting myself, for not running so very far away.

I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD, but I have never been able to say why, even to my fantastic GP. I really wish I could. I'm getting help, he's referred me for cbt and hopefully emdr, and also a psychiatrist. I have a young son and I truly don't want him to feel like I did, and currently do. My boy and my partner are the only reason I have to cling to this world. I hold onto that every day. They are both truly brilliant. I wish I could give back to them what they give to me, but it's like I'm stuck. Stuck in my childhood, stuck from 13 years ago, and nothing I do will fix it or make it better. It's like one endless, excruciatingly painful loop in my head that can never be resolved. I just want to live in my present, my present is good, so much potential, so much hope. I can't see this happening anytime soon.

Sorry, that was quite long :/

Chelazla Fri 20-Jan-17 23:55:19

Don't apologise you have had an horrific time. A child should be loved and cherished growing up without that is as bad as any abuse. You've seen and experienced horrible things. Now you are under the doctors take every bit of help you can get. You deserve so much op and hopefully help will mean you have a lovely life with you fantastic son and oh. You're brave and a survivor op good luck and look after yourself xflowers

mumontherun14 Fri 20-Jan-17 23:58:10

Hi I read your post and feel like I want to give you a big hug. I think that experiences from the past really do have a huge effect on us - and it's not something we can stop from happening. I hope it has helped a little writing it down it sounds like you went through some traumatic times. Hopefully the cbt will help. I know it really helped a friend of mine who suffered after a bereavement. Try and find a counsellor to talk to maybe through your GP and let it all out with someone who doesn't know you and who won't judge. Really wish you all the best x

Hidingtonothing Sat 21-Jan-17 05:22:28

You're taking the right steps to break that loop OP and it sounds like your GP is supportive and guiding you in the right direction so you will soon have the right tools to start dealing with your past.

I think that's the key though, it needs dealing with rather than you keeping it all inside, that's why you're 'stuck'. It's a scary prospect, having to verbalise all that pain but it's probably the only way to finally be free of it and it sounds like you will have the help you need with the cbt and psychologist.

Your post is honest and eloquent, could you show it to your GP or the cbt counsellor or psychologist? Having someone know without actually having to say it out loud might be a really good starting point for you.

It will take time but you're right, you have lots of hope and potential for your future and I honestly believe you can get to the point where you can enjoy what you have, just not until you get that help to work through your past. Wishing you luck and strength OP flowers

Anotherusername2333455667 Sat 21-Jan-17 05:31:05

Def focus on counselling. Your dad tried to commit suicide in front of you and you stopped him - that's a massive thing! Sounds like you are a position now to seek the help you need. Hope you can deal with and start to move on with your life flowers

mummytime Sat 21-Jan-17 05:39:50

Definitely print out and show your OP to your GP/counsellor/ Psych. You are doing so well for someone who was abused so badly.
Emotional abuse is just as bad as any other abuse, and this sound horrendous.

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