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Sex life with dh in a bit of a mess...having a rant......

(8 Posts)
Upsadaisy Sat 24-Feb-07 11:10:55

He never seems enthusiastic unless I'm on top or its doggy, if I initiate he's not interested.
He says its because he doesn't know what I like which really gets me as I've told him countless times what I like and don't like.

I pretty much were the trousers in the relationship not through choice though I would love him to make a decision but he changes his mind more than he has hot dinners about anything and everything so I end up having to make the decision alone.

He wants me to tell him what to do exactly when were having sex which turns me off so much as it feels like I have to wet nurse him. i don't mind doing it to some degree but not to the extent he wants me to.

I tell him whenever the converstaion goes that way, what turns me on and its not rocket science you know; kissing me on the neck - that type of stuff yet he barely does and when he does do it he's like a wood pecker and I just want to scream for god sake just bloody kiss it!!!!!!

This morning; this is mortifying - he initiated sex, I refused to go on top so we were in a bit of a funny position, I was into it kissing and recipricating his movements iykwim sorry then he stops and pulls away I asked if he was ok and he said yes so I said is that it (no one had orgasmed and its not the first time he's done this so I felt angry) and he didn't reply just looked at the ceiling so i got up and retreated to the bathroom for a shower and to hide.
I was too embarassed to ask there and then what on earth is going on...after the shower I asked and he said he didin't think I was into it (I do not know what more I could of of done apart from yeehaaing like a cowgirl).

I asked why didn't you ask me if i was enjoying it or suggest another position he said he didn't know and that he just didn't think I was into it.

He's just gone to work. I don't know what to do as I've had enough.....I don't want to sleep with him again. We do have a few issues at the moment but this happens even when things are fine realtionship wise.
Before he went to work I asked him to think if he just thought of me as a friend rather than a lover....I do wonder if he's having an affair or he wants me to do the breaking up type of thing.

Advice needed please, please be gentle I'm so embarassed!!!! its not something I can talk to my RL friends about.

mytwopenceworth Sat 24-Feb-07 11:20:57

i think that you need to sit down and have a long talk. pick a good time. tell him in advance that you would like a chat, i find a lot of men dont like the BIG conversations dropped on them without warning and are much better if you have planned a time in advance, which they have agreed to.

calmness is key. you can tell a man you hate his clothes, his mates, his car, hell even his mum, but a whiff of criticism about his performance in the sack and he may never recover.

maybe your other half wants out of the relationship, or he just doesnt have much of a sex drive, or he's stressed at work, maybe he likes to be dominated, or he feels that you dont think much of his 'talents' and he is getting performance anxiety (this can lead to impotence). my point with this is it could be anything and the only way to find out is to talk to him.

me and dh have not had sex for 7 years. we are very happy and love each other, he just doesnt want to have sex, he's got no sex drive at all. so i know that problems in the bedroom do not always mean he doesnt love you, or that hes having an affair.

sorry i cant be any help, but i just think you have to get him to open up. between the two of you, or with a counsellor. good luck. xx

Upsadaisy Sat 24-Feb-07 11:22:26

Thankyou mytwopenceworth

MamazonAKAfatty Sat 24-Feb-07 12:00:57

How long have you been together? could he be sexually imexperianced and therefore lack confidence in "making the moves"

There is little that will work overnight as there is clearly something on a deeper level and until you can find out what that is and deal with it im afraid you will continue to go round in circles...or continue with doggy style.

You do need to talk and ask him what HE likes from sex. it may just be that he likes to be dominated, many men enjoy being powerless in the bedroom to counteract the fact that they have to be "the boss" in their working life.
have you considered the fact that he may have a particular "kink" that he feels you would disaprove of? it may be that he needs some extra stimulation like High heels/gentle smacking/dressing up etc etc.

for the short term why not suggest something that would make him have to tak control, like tie you to the bed and blindfold you. that way you can't tell him what to do, you can't be on to or doggy style and he will have to please you himself.

Upsadaisy Sat 24-Feb-07 12:41:46

We've been together over 13 years.
I have asked him repeatedly what he likes over that time and I still dont feel I know the answer apart from me telling me what to do.
I don't mind that from time to time but its just not my cup of tea for long term. In fact I loose respect for him as its like I'm mothering him or wet nursing....it just doesn't do it for me.
As for the kink its me who would love some kink. i've tried the dressing up in an array of different get ups over the years my last resort for dressing up was valentines day just gone. I found some underwear by chance that are sweets like the necklaces you used to get you know the multicoloured candy. He wasnt that enfused and I felt so deflated and silly afterwards.
I do ask what he really wants and what his fantasies are but thinking about it is around being dominated.
Its just not my cup of tea in fact I wouldn't mind being thrown on the bed a few times myself which I've suggested and he's not taken me up on not even the slightest.

Weve had marriage counselling and the last time was two years ago and we both said that if it didn't work after that we would call it quits.

It isn't working and I'm scared.
All he has to do is compromise and meet me half way and he doesn't. I will ask to talk to him and ideally do it calmly.

NotQuiteCockney Sat 24-Feb-07 13:33:33

It sounds like there are a lot of other issues in your relationship, which this is just part of?

I certainly understand why you don't feel like bothering with his fantasies of being dominated (if that is his fantasy ... does sound likely, though), particularly given how little consideration he gives to your interests.

You wouldn't go back to marriage counselling to try to improve your communication skills? Is the relationship very bad, outside of the bedroom? Does he have the same attitude to your wants and needs?

Upsadaisy Sat 24-Feb-07 15:08:47

No we've had 3 lovely counsellors all at seperate intervals over the years for long periods....hence us saying that if it didn't work after that it wasn't going to work.

Our relationship has its moments outside the bedroom. We get on, I know he loves me and I love him to pieces he's not just my husband he's my best mate but he's also an ass. He pushes his luck many a time and I'm not the type to be quiet....if there a problem I like to sort it out were as he likes to deny theres a problem. communication is rubbish really when we disagree he denys theres a problem or that its got nothing to with him/its not his fault.
He doesn't like to put any work into anything...the easy way suits him fine which I detest.
I thought he was depressed maybe....i asked him a while ago if he considered that a possibility but he said no but I do wonder.

I couldn't go back to counselling, we'd be covering old ground with communication tools.....I don't want to put myself through it again either its pretty intense.

He texted me to say he was sorry and that this morning was a misunderstanding......I dunno part of me thinks fare enough next time I will communicate better so that there is no misunderstanding the other part of me thinks WHAT!!!!!!!!! misunderstanding no way could there have been a misunderstanding for goodness sake....get real, he's trying to get out the situation the easy way.

I really appreciate your posts, i've found it impossible to talk to rl friends about this - though I have psyched myself up to a few times.

rachelhill Sat 24-Feb-07 16:40:49

IMHO most men will deny there is a problem and just hope you give up talking about it.

Sounds to me that he doesn't know how to tell you what he wants and you don't feel able to either, I personally give specific instructions (kiss me just there very slowly etc.) and it works but it's not as much fun when you have to consistently coach them is it?

Perhaps you need individual counselling rather than couple counselling? Sometimes if a couple has a problem it's because each one can't say something to the other but once they've said it to a stranger it's easier to say to the one they love.

FYI my sex life really sucks. I want baby number 2 and my DH and I have only had it ONCE since my daughter was born. So don't feel you are alone

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