Yes I'm fat but please don't tell me if you want sex!

[Wrinklesandspotstoo]

So... I'm overweight. 5 foot 7 and a size 16. I work a stressful desk job 40 hours a week... teenage son and husband. Would generously say if the put 30 minutes to helping in the house each week I'm being very kind. I got ill last August... pneumonia followed by whooping cough for i kid you not 3 months having just taken on a new job.. prescribed all sorts of steroids several times a day just to get better... result of which I'm fatter than I'd like to be... obviously... I've seen a lung function specialist who has now said get on.. challenge yourself get back to the gym (indid three cardio
Classes a week) I've lost half a stone in 3 weeks..

Anyway so to the current evening my husband said I'll cook you a nice dinner... (first time in at least a year)

Feeling confident (big glass of wine induced) went in for a kiss and he grabbed my bum... I immediately said sorry it's fat... he never said a thing... so I said... oh.. it's bad and he said.... well it's certainly more than a handful... again (and I don't know why) I said sorry... he shrugged and said well you know what it is...

He's no Daniel Craig... now I feel shit and just don't want him near me!

I'm torn between being furious because actually he does fuck all to take care of himself or make me feel 'attractive' yet he's allowed to me me feel like a sack of spuds!!! Angry!!!

[PollytheDolly]

Why are you apologising?

I bet you're gorgeous and he looks like a robbers dog.

[GoodEyebrowDay]

So you were saying self-deprivating things to get him to say 'oh, you're not' and it's backfired?

Do you do this a lot? Because my mum
Put herself down constantly & now we either don't hear it or just cba to reply because it'll go on forever. And we've started to agree with her now because she mentions it so bloody much we believe her!

Can you do something to work on your self-esteem?

[OrangePeels]

You apologised for having a big bum, he didn't say anything then you mentioned it again and he made a non committal comment and you are angry? Is that right? What did you want him to say?
I'm overweight and would never apologise for it. I feel shit about it but apologising or mentioning it whilst kissing will never end well! What could he possibly say? If he said he loved it then would you think he was lying? It seems like you are unhappy with yourself and want him to validate your feelings. Why say anything at all? He was copping a feel of your bum! Let him have a feel!

Or did I read that all wrong?

[Gallavich]

Why didn't you keep apologising and saying how fat you are? what an unappealing characteristic. No wonder the mood was killed. He clearly found your bum appealing in that moment and you were apologising for it? You need to find some self esteem and fast. He didn't do anything wrong IMO, was he supposed to say 'no it's not it's tiny'? There is nothing wrong with an ample bum and if you have one, you can hardly expect your partner not to notice the size of it!

[Gallavich]

Why did you keep apologising
DYAC

[Wrinklesandspotstoo]

I see what you're saying but I've never needed anyone to validate my feelings and I've always been confident in myself but a stone and a generous extra half over 6 months through illness I don't see why I can't look to my husband for a bit of reassurance! I guess I feel like it's all a bit superficial and I didn't realise!

[Mermaidinthesea]

I don't think he did anything wrong, you brought up the subject and he probably just didn;t know what to say and said that on the spur of the moment.
At least he finds you sexually attractive, it would be awful if he refused to touch you and thought you were repulsive.

[TatianaLarina]

To be fair it was you who called yourself fat.

If he'd known you were wanting reassurance he might have given you some.

[OrangePeels]

But you kissed him and he felt your ass! Why not just go with it? I completely understand how you feel. I was a size 10 when I met my DH and I am now an 18. I know I look different, I know I am less appealing. My DH still loves me and wants sex with me. I would never ever mention my size when kissing him nor would I apologise. I just get on with it. We both know I want to be smaller but he can't say anything to make me feel better about it! His actions make me feel better though

[Costacoffeeplease]

I don't get it either - you obviously feel sensitive about your weight, so why keep mentioning it?

[Wrinklesandspotstoo]

I am sorry... mostly for me... and I looked for reassurance and didn't get it. In 17 years together he's not once set foot in a gym or voluntarily eaten fruit and veg and for the first time I'm properly overweight and felt the need to be 'forgiven' or at least been given an ego boost from my own husband! Especially pre-coital!

[Naicehamshop]

I completely see what you are saying op. You shouldn't have kept apologising for your size, but it wouldn't have killed him to say something nice!

[Costacoffeeplease]

Why do you need to be 'forgiven'

It is what it is, for the reasons you've given

Tbh, a 'forced' reassurance isn't worth anything, even if he'd said something 'right' you'd probably have wondered if he meant it, just don't 'fish' in the first place

[UrethaFranklin]

How did he make you feel fat? You were the one bringing up your weight, not him. He obviously fancies you no matter what size you are. I really don't understand why you would be furious.

[ElspethFlashman]

I'd say it's you who are making yourself feel like a sack of spuds tbh.

You seem pretty resentful of him. He does fuck all around the house, he's "no Daniel Craig", he doesn't take care of himself....there's a lot of bitterness coming across.

However all he did wrong was be caught on the hop and not realise you needed him to say "Not at all, you look fine" or whatever. Which you wouldn't have believed, be honest.

[AyeAmarok]

Fishing for compliments never ends well.

[Fairylea]

You need to work on your self esteem and confidence. A size 16 at 5ft 7 isn't that big at all really (not that it would matter if it was). I'm that size and I'm not even bothered about losing the weight. I too have health issues (for me it's thyroid problems and kidney issues, none of them weight related) and I just eat healthily and try to focus on the positives. It reads like you hate yourself and that's never a good place to be.

[DMnamechanger]

I think you basically insulted his taste so he might well have been feeling a bit offended too

[MommaGee]

Oh OP you seem to be getting a rough ride. You obviously have insecurities over your weight, DH could have at least tried to make flattering comments because when we love someone, we try to help them feel less shit about themselves, especially at moments of vulnerability.

You say you had a drink and feeling brave went in for a kiss... So would you normally not instigate intimacy? I really think you need to work on your self confidence, your marital intimacy and stop saying horrible things about yourself

[annawoolfworries]

The Friday night crowd can be really mean. He could have given you a bit of reassurance as it's obvious you need it at the moment.

[Joysmum]

Well my DH constantly reassures me if he can see I'm lacking confidence, same as I do for him.

Given the replies so far, it seems like it's not common in many marriages for couples to bolster each other when they are feeling low. I'm so glad I'm married to my DH and not the previous posters or their partners if they expect to be disappointed when needing reassurance.

[BipBippadotta]

OP. I feel your pain, but it is really, really hard to boost the ego of someone who keeps insisting they're fat and disgusting. And it's a terrible passion-killer.

When I was in my 20s & full of self-loathing about my appearance I was constantly calling my boyfriend's attention to my various physical failings and then feeling furious and unloved when he didn't somehow make it all go away. I see now that there was nothing he could have said that wouldn't have made me angry with him.

I don't see anything in your post suggesting that your husband was on your case about diet or exercise (as you seem to be on his); my sense is that he was feeling rebuffed and confused, when things had seemed to be going so well. It's hard to claw that sexy feeling back if your partner keeps turning the topic back to how gross and ugly they are.

He clearly likes the look of your arse, whatever you may think of it. Let him give you a snuggle if you can bear it, that might help the both of you feel a bit less raw.

[TheNaze73]

You sound like hard work

[Isadora2007]

I don't think he did anything wrong. Can't do right for doing wrong springs to mind. He grabbed your bum and was reciprocating... then said your bum was more than a handful which isn't a complaint. I've got a lot more than a handful of boobs and they're very much appreciated!
I think you're being unreasonable. It's your issue with your weight and doesn't even sound like your DH cares either way. Size 16 at your height isn't that big anyway. He may not even have noticed. Having it pointed out at a moment of passion isn't exactly fun for him is it?
Weird. Your issue for you to work on.

[WicksEnd]

Oh cmon, fgs, a little reassurance is all the op needed. Your responses are just bullshit.