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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

"but it's not really a lie"

120 replies

anhte · 20/01/2017 16:11

I'm prepared for you to tell me I'm taking things too much to heart and being unreasonable - but I really need some perspective from someone uninvolved as I cant see the wood from the trees.

This conversation happened today, but we have a lot of conversations along the same lines, this is just the most recent:-

This morning......
Me: are you going straight to have haircut after work and do you have enough cash?
DH: Might do, depends when I finish work, can't pay as haven't got a bean (so I give him the money - this is not an issue, haircuts for both of us come out of the family budget, which I run. I was just being lazy and not wanting to go upstairs and get my bag. If he had enough cash to pay I would have reimbursed him when he got home)

This afternoon........
Me: You're home early, you must be starving - you left your lunch in the fridge, are you going to have a snack before your hair appointment?
DH: No I had a bacon sandwich from the van outside work
Me: oh you must need more cash for haircut then
DH: No I had enough for a sandwich, still have haircut money
Me: But you said you didn't have any money
DH: I meant not enough for haircut
Me: so why not say that then? why tell a pointless lie and say you didn't have a bean?
DH: well it wasnt really a lie, it was just easier to say it that way.

We are now not speaking and he can't see why. He thinks I am being mean minded and touchy about nothing at all. I on the other hand am fed up of him being like this. HIs default is always " take the easy route", so if it is easiest to lie then he does. It's never about anything big, so he thinks it's OK. I can't make him see that it means I question everything (in my mind) that he tells me because he finds it so easy to lie. He says it's just laziness. I disagree.

Is it me? AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

Sassypants82 · 20/01/2017 16:16

I see your point, but think I'd feel that level of scrutiny as controlling /harassing. Sorry.

Happybunny19 · 20/01/2017 16:17

YABU - a massive overreaction to a minor incident. He only "lied" about a couple of quid for a sandwich. Is this worth ruining a weekend over?

ImperialBlether · 20/01/2017 16:18

To be honest, OP, you sound as though you could start an argument in an empty room!

anhte · 20/01/2017 16:19

The point is that this is just the most recent event - this happens over and over and over again.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 20/01/2017 16:20

My current OH lies all the time as well.
He was thoroughly controlled by his ExW so it's a default setting for him.
Every time I catch him out I tell him he doesn't have to lie to me.
It doesn't bother me but he still does it.
I wonder if he thinks he's 'getting one over on me' for some weird reason?
You are right. You start to question absolutely everything and it's not healthy.
I know that!

Underthemoonlight · 20/01/2017 16:21

You sound hardwork so what if he treated himself to a hot meal at work you say the hair cut comes out of the family budget so what does it matter? Do you micro managed everything he does. If a woman had posted this she would be told he was borderline abusive interrogating her over buying herself something to eat.

CalamityKit · 20/01/2017 16:21

Meh. I don't like lying, even about little things, but this just seems like a non issue. Certainly nothing to be "not speaking" about! Maybe he found a couple of quid for his lunch. Maybe he had more than he realised when he first said about it. Just move on!

OurBlanche · 20/01/2017 16:22

But the point is you are ina a chicken and egg situation!

Does he lie because you micro manage him?
Do you micro manage because he lies / has other issues?

Only you know the answer to that...

CalamityKit · 20/01/2017 16:23

Missed your last post. Hmm well if it's happening all the time I can see why it bothers you. Is it always about money things?

QuiltedAloeVera · 20/01/2017 16:23

I don't understand.

Are you really annoyed that he failed to account to you for three quid?

If so, YABVVVU and controlling.

user1478860582 · 20/01/2017 16:23

It's you.

If you're questioning him over every penny, then that's not right. It's like he's asking you for pocket money.

KindDogsTail · 20/01/2017 16:25

I can see he would find it 'easier' to say what he did than to have to be involved with all this with you over such a minor thing.

You are evidently helping your family a lot by managing your budget so well, but in my opinion more flexibility and freedom is important - with no need for such pinning down. It would be different of lies were going on all the time, or he was doing secret things with money all the time.

gamechangenamechange · 20/01/2017 16:26

Unless he gets insanely cheap haircuts he could easily have had enough for a van-sandwich but not enough for a haircut. Did he have to say 'I only have £2.03' instead of 'I haven't got a bean'. Having enough money for a sandwich but not to get my hair cut would be 'broke' to me, wouldn't consider him to be lying. You sound quite controlling

Imnotaslimjim · 20/01/2017 16:26

I can kind of see your point. Why say "I haven't a bean" rather than "well the haircut is a tenner and I only have £2" As you said, funds aren't an issue it was simply making sure he had enough. Lying drives me mad too, even little things like this. Makes me wonder what else he's lying about.

Twinkladdictmum · 20/01/2017 16:28

Do you give him cash like pocket money? I would go loopy to be questioned like that! Cant you leave him to hus own hairy butty?

Twinkladdictmum · 20/01/2017 16:29

Is this a reverse and you're married to a controlling nobhead?

Fallonjamie · 20/01/2017 16:29

I'd consider having a few quid as 'not having a bean'. You are really overreacting.

therealpippi · 20/01/2017 16:29

Gosh, that exchange feels very suffocating to me.
I'd def feel micromanaged and controlled and would purposefully be a bit shifty just to retain some freedom of movement.

PotatoWaffleCob · 20/01/2017 16:30

WOW you sound controlling. It doesn't matter if it happens a lot, you sound a tad nutty. I'm.surprised he bothers telling you anything!

anhte · 20/01/2017 16:30

I must have explained very badly, todays issue was abotu money, but it often isn't, it can be about absolutely anything - the bottom line is he lies if he thinks thats the easiest thing to do.

I am not a control freak, I do manage the family budget but this is because he hates doing it. It is an open book though. We both have the same amount of personal spending money, everything else is transparant and available to both of us. We neither of us have to account to the other so why did he have to lie? It's not the momey that has upset me (it's a minute amount FFS and we are not broke) it's the LIE

My whole issue is that he lies without thinking. Because he lies I am more and more finding it harder to trust him and feel close to him.

OP posts:

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 20/01/2017 16:30

The example in the OP makes you sound really controlling, because he didn't have money for a haircut did he? Unless he's supposed to go all day without food.
However if there are wider issues then you're probably angry with him whatever he does, potentially. I don't know, but the example you gave did make it sound like he was a kid being given pocket money.

therealpippi · 20/01/2017 16:30

I would not scrutinise my 11 yo to this extent

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KindDogsTail · 20/01/2017 16:31

anhte
The point is that this is just the most recent event - this happens over and over and over again

I apologise, I missed this. Somehow, something seems not quite right though. Is there any way you could step back a bit? Make him take some responsibility for more of the money, and separate yourself from this 'dance'. He may be finding he can use his lies as a passive way of getting back at you somehow.

Twinkladdictmum · 20/01/2017 16:32

It is such a tiny amount, then why mention it?

therealpippi · 20/01/2017 16:33

I can see the example doesn't explain the bigger picture.
Yes if someone is shifty all the time it would unnerve me. But you, and him, need to get to the bottom of it.
What triggers his lies?

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