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Please help me be strong

(89 Posts)
bluuue Fri 20-Jan-17 13:37:08

I've had to name change because the details will be identifying!
Been with my partner nearly 11 years and have 2 young children together. He suffers with mental health issues and has walked in and out of our lives many times over the past two years while he attempts to sort his life out. I have always forgiven him and let him come home I'm probably a bit of an enabler! Anyway just recently I've seen the warning signs coming again, the silent treatment, can't stand to be in the house really agitated and irritable so I confronted him! We had a blazing row and I said some things I regret such as he's ruined my life with what he's put me through over past couple of years! I didn't mean it, I was just angry of course I don't think that, we've had 2 lovely children together and I honestly genuinely love him.
The next day he moved out a few days on brings us to this morning he has ended our relationship over text message says he can never forgive and forget some of the things that have been said and we are completely done and even though he knows that he is going to regret this that he knows he is doing the right thing!
I guess I just want someone to hold my hand and let me know I'm going to be ok! I'm pretty broken right now! I don't have any friends and moved to a new area about 6 months ago and don't know anyone except my parents. I don't know where to turn or what to do! I'm just so sad!

Secretlife0fbees Fri 20-Jan-17 13:44:45

Hi bluuue I'm sorry if this sounds blunt but it sounds to me like he has done you and your kids a massive favour and you are feeling really guilty for something that isn't your fault.

bluuue Fri 20-Jan-17 13:53:25

Thank you for replying secretlifeofbees I have had someone else say that to me they said they feel he uses his depression as an excuse to emotionally abuse me! I hope it does work out well and he has done me a favour but at the moment I can't see past the fact that I love him and want to support him!

Secretlife0fbees Fri 20-Jan-17 13:59:41

Well if I was suffering with MH issues and displaying behaviour that was destroying the people who loved me the most I would hope that I'd make my recovery my priority. It doesn't sound like he really gives that much of a shit about that to me...? I think the things that you said to him during the row were the truth.... and maybe you should own them? You have a right to a lovely life too!! I think you need therapy so that you can gain a different perspective on his behaviour.... you will be fine, you sound like a strong woman if you have had the strength to put up with this for so long, now use that strength to heal yourself and provide you and your kids with the peaceful and happy secure life that YOU DESERVE

fallenempires Fri 20-Jan-17 14:06:53

Other than just walking out what has he actually done to address his MH?

Adora10 Fri 20-Jan-17 14:09:37

Sorry but MH issues have nothing to do with him treating you like shit, coming and going, threatening to leave, blaming you for his behaviour....

You will realise if he goes how much better off you are without him; I'd have replied no problem, come get your stuff, what an absolute cunt he sounds.

bluuue Fri 20-Jan-17 14:12:57

Secretlifeofbees thank you for your response it made me cry!
Yeah my cousin said she doesn't know how I have had the strength to put up with all I have over the past 2 years! Once I went to do the food shop and when I came home he had packed everything posted his keys through the door and left it was horrific!!
He has started counselling before and been on meds but took himself off of them!

Fallenempires he actually has an appointment today to go to counselling again so I'm hoping he has followed through with it!

bluuue Fri 20-Jan-17 14:14:05

Thanks for your response Adora1 I wish I was as strong as you sound because that's how I want to be!

bluuue Fri 20-Jan-17 14:15:03

I feel like I need to start my life from scratch now, I have no friends and no social life! It all feels really scary right now!

fallenempires Fri 20-Jan-17 14:20:59

God I feel so angry for you,he's abusive and an utterly heartless coward.What was he like when previously medicated?
How are the children coping?

Adora10 Fri 20-Jan-17 14:23:40

Is always easy from an outside perspective OP, you are strong, you must be, you've suffered his shit for at least two years, doesn't mean you have to continue accepting his behaviour, you can call time when you want and I think you need to tell him this.

He will come back, just like before and it's your mental health that will suffer, again.

Have a separation at least and then you will see clearly what is going on, it's very difficult when you are in the mire.

Secretlife0fbees Fri 20-Jan-17 14:24:24

Totally agree with Adora.

Bluuue, honestly so what if he went to his appointment or not? He is not your responsibility he is a grown man! He has taken away years that you are never gonna get back... don't let him have any more.
My stbxh once took an overdose when I tried to leave him. I was very young and was taken in by it entirely and actually haunted by that for years. even though he never threatened it again it has always hung over me like a dark cloud. Not anymore, he can do whatever he likes now and I wouldn't feel responsible.

HorridHenryrule Fri 20-Jan-17 14:30:33

I think that it's good that you admit that you enabled it a bit. It does leave a lasting impression on your children and how they think they should behave. You took him back and put up with it and your children watched. People can say it's not your fault and it's not because you wanted it to work out. He was your husband or your life partner. Unfortunately children are less forgiving and they may not see it like that. How would you feel if your children behaved like that later. You need them strong so they can take care of you in your old age.

Secretlife0fbees Fri 20-Jan-17 14:34:09

Don't let him come back right now (or ever, but start with right now)
You need to get some fire in your belly!! If he texts you tell him that you need some time to come to terms with the situation and best if he just leaves you alone for a few days, don't make it about HIM don't ask him whether he went to his session, if you act the way you always have you will always get the same result. Cliche but so true.

bluuue Fri 20-Jan-17 14:41:15

Thanks all so much for your responses I didn't think anyone would reply and I really appreciate it!
He just came to get the kids and was horrible to me left me in tears because I dared to ask for my door keys back!
You're right I don't ever want my children growing up thinking this is normal and it's ok to walk out on people and expect them to pick up the pieces!

Adora10 Fri 20-Jan-17 14:43:18

Good for you OP, you are strong! Imagine if your kids grow up and think it's normal to walk out and back on their partner, cos there's a strong chance that will be exactly what they will become.

Secretlife0fbees Fri 20-Jan-17 14:46:44

So what's his plan? Is he bringing them back later? Did he give you the keys? He doesn't deserve your tears. Who the fuck does he think he is!?
You need to get a bit tougher at least in his presence. He is treating you like a doormat. Stop letting him! flowers

Hermonie2016 Fri 20-Jan-17 14:50:41

You partner isn't in a place to have a relationship.That is so hard to accept since you have DC's BUT it's the reality.

You didn't do anything other than express your understandable frustration and hurt.If you were in a healthy relationship this wouldn't have happened.

My husband has mental health issues which he refuses to deal with and the result isnwe are not capable of having a healthy relationship.I had a choice, stick with the dysfunction, hurting myself in the process or wait for him to pull the plug.

I chose to leave and whilst it's so hard and I have doubts, especially when he appears more stable I know that if nothing changes, nothing will change! It will just continue in a downward spiral of negativity.
Accepting a relationship is over when you still love someone is so difficult as her heart will try to overrule your head but you know that your love can't fix him.

You deserve to be in a healthy relationship where you are not his caregiver and you have stability.Being able to count on your partner is a basic requirement.

Rather than think he has left you decide that you have chosen to say "no more" so that you allow positive people into your life.In a few years your life could be transformed with new friends.

Consider that the relationship ending COULD be the lightbulb moment he needs.

bluuue Fri 20-Jan-17 16:08:11

Thanks secretlifeofbees and adora10 I asked how his appointment went and he said like you care like some stroppy teen so I just left it! I think you're both right I need to toughen up and let him know I'm not a doormat! I've made excuses for a long time when he is nasty or says horrible things I'll think well is not him it's his depression but I think maybe no maybe he is just horrible to me because that's who he is!
Maybe this is the wake up call I need stop living my life for someone else!!
He had left a couple of things here as well personal things that I thought he might like so I put them on the side for him and he was pissed off at that as well saying oh you want to be like that then get rid of everything!!!
I could just scream right now got this right horrible ball in my chest!!!!!

NassauBeach Fri 20-Jan-17 16:08:34

Hermione your post is a bit of a lightbulb moment for me... sounds similar to my current situation. I think I may need to make myself a plan to leave... I need to learn to drive (totally dependent on DH for this and it really bugs me) and I need to sort myself financially over the next year to be able to actually leave. Hmmmmmm.
OP your post has really helped me start to think about things I've been pretending aren't happening. I'm an enabler too. Thank you for switching something on in me.

bluuue Fri 20-Jan-17 16:09:52

Thanks so much for your post, I'm sorry you are going through it but it's nice to know I'm not alone! You sound really calm and sensible and I think that's what I need to aim for!!
Right now I'm an emotional wreck but you are right that I do think I deserve a better life than this!!

bluuue Fri 20-Jan-17 16:11:19

Thanks for posting, sorry you are dealing with something similar!
I always used to get told that people will only treat you as badly as you let them and I think it's time to listen to that advice!

Adora10 Fri 20-Jan-17 16:15:26

Give yourself time, you've been through a trauma, he's making your life a misery and enjoying it, get angry OP, nobody has the right to treat you this way; he's using his MH as an excuse to use you as a human punch bag, it's time to call it a day on his fucken childish antics.

Jut wait, you will be amazed at the relief of not having to deal with this obnoxious arsehole.

bluuue Fri 20-Jan-17 16:25:40

I am wondering if once the initial upset subsides am I going to be relieved that I'm not going to have to wake up every day and wonder if this is the day he walks out again.
It's done now and I need to accept it and toughen up.
You can't help someone who can't help themselves.
I just love him though and I don't want to!
My stomach is in knots knowing I'm going to have to face him when he brings the kids back!

Adora10 Fri 20-Jan-17 16:32:41

I know, it must be very hard but if you don't take a stand now this will be your life forever more, like a revolving door and it will if not already become normal, it's not.

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