Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

My husband and his ex.

(7 Posts)
LadyVampire Fri 20-Jan-17 12:54:34

I've posted previously about history and they are removed now but basics is hubby ex has previously been horrible to me and hubby, banning us from seeing their son if he or I don't do what she wants, if me and her have a disagreement she says I am to have nothing to do with my step son. Disagreements are my lack of faith and DH not doing errands for her when I was ill.

The worst she did is encourage my step son to write a letter with accusations I bully him and gave it to a solocitor who then wrote a letter that said my step son didn't want to see me. This was all false as me and step son are close.

This was 2 years ago, I saw her last year when step son was in hospital and things were nice enough between us. She now wants to be friends and asks for old baby stuff. She states she hates my hubby yet still expects him there to talk to and be friends with.

I can be polite and am happy to. I don't want a friendship. I am still upset over the past, don't want to be friends, want her to leave me and DH alone as much as possible as talks should be to do with their son only. I feel I spend most of my time feeling angry with her and bitter and can't let go it has consumed nost of our relationship. Hubby isn't interested in being friends but can let go of bad stuff really easily so feels the past is the past. I just hate she has treated us so badly and gets away with it, she is never told what she does is not ok.

I need to move on. My MH is so bad right now.

Evilstepmum01 Fri 20-Jan-17 14:06:32

I think we've talked before on the step parenting forum.
I had a similar problem with DH’s ex wife calling him to fix her car, chat about her, not their daughter and it used to upset me. I;ve had to let a lot of anger go over the shit she pulled a few years ago. Karma will eventually catch up with her and her lies.
You and your DH just need to be civil, polite and maintain a distance. On a practical level, you and your DH need to talk about it and explain to him how this is affecting your MH. Then you put it in action, quietly refusing to talk about anything except their son. She will get the message eventually. Confrontation will likely only lead to ‘you’ll never see (insert childs name) again’ and aforementioned bullshit.
Dh’s ex chats away to him like they’re best friends- slagging off her boyfriends family, he just ignores her and says ask your boyfriend. Or changes the subject to their daughter.
I am polite on the surface but absolutely am not her friend. I talk about DSD and then ignore the rest of it.
I have depression also, caused in part by her antics. Have you considered counselling? Just to help with moving on?

SandyY2K Fri 20-Jan-17 14:16:41

How does she contact you? If it's by phone, I wouldn't give her my mobile number and she should keep her communication regarding her son to your husband.

There really is no need for her to speak to you.

Why don't you block her number? Block her on social media and everywhere else possible.

LadyVampire Fri 20-Jan-17 19:39:51

Most of the asking is through DH as she doesn't have my new number but she has our address which is how we got the first solicitor letter. A lot of the talking to me about their son is in the past but if she wants to drop stuff off she will just turn up etc.

DH just won't do it. He sees a question as just a question or a quick errand as a quick errand "I'm passing anyway" but I've told him clear boundaries especially given what she did is unforgiveable. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill due to MH.

SandyY2K Sat 21-Jan-17 01:00:24

I'd tell your DH to tell her, he doesn't feel comfortable asking you for stuff for her and she's best getting it elsewhere. Surely he can put a block, so you don't get to hear this stuff.

Imagine if your Ex had been so nasty, then suddenly he wants to borrow some old tools from your DH, would he be impressed? I think not.

He can make up whatever he wants to say to her,but you don't need to hear it.

You aren't making a mountain out of a molehill. Id be annoyed about it too.

LadyVampire Sat 21-Jan-17 09:37:12

Exactly Sandy he would be upset. I will tell him to stick to just their son in regards to organising things and another issue is she agrees to things for DSS to do during DH access so he cancels our plans all the time or she agrees during her own time and expects DH to drive him.

Not a problem on some occasions but between the baby and us both working he can't keep doing this everytime and she should check with him. She'd be furious if it's the other way around. Also she seems to think she can decide how DH spends his time both with and without their son. She also expects DH to respond to her over me with everyday things like errands etc. DH responsibility is to both his kids not his ex. If she wants him to stay beyond drop offs to discuss things she does it there and then and I'm expected to pick up the pieces with our own DD. We both work nights aswell I can't miss work because of this.

I know sometimes they need to talk but surely a text explaining "we need to discuss things at drop off tonight can you come an hour earlier" is enough? Wouldn't be a problem with a heads up and if she asks for something to do with their son we will try and help but she doesn't seem to accept we might have other commitments (work, trips, baby) and gets annoyed if DH doesn't do things for her some of which are not related to their son. She is still so angry about their break up which was 8 years ago. She needs to accept he has remarried and that she should focus on her own husband. I met DH 5 years after the split so did not add to it.

I told him stop being the source of communication between us. He still does it.

Have a big talk today. DH just doesn't see the principle of things if that makes sense? Being asked to do her errands he just thinks "it's only 30 min" or "we didn't have plans anyway". She should still check before agreeing to DSS things during DH access or changing access as DH just goes along and expects me to be around to do more with baby so he can be with his son 1:1. I told him the irony that her passing on her responsibilities to their son to DH he is in turn passing his responsibilities for our baby onto me. He asked for more access and she won't but she can't just mess things around everytime she wants.

I know with kids sometimes changes to schedules are needed but I don't like his ex thinking she can plan our whole lives and DSS is source of power to do it. If she wants to drop something off she expects us to wait in, won't give a time.

Told DH they are parents together, that is it and she needs to stop being friendly/ acting like he belongs to her. He doesn't belong to anyone and he chooses to be with me. She makes it clear she hates him and weaponises their son. Why be friends with her?

LadyVampire Sat 21-Jan-17 09:43:17

She changes schedule last minute sometimes for non urgent reason eg expects DH to drive DSS to parties etc. If DSS lived with us full time then any invites we'd work together to make work and sometimes it's not always possible. If she commits to something she needs to sort out transport. DH can't not give me a say in changes to plans but expect me to help him honour them. Emergencies are different entirely. I can't get time off work so DSS can go to a party. It's bonkers.

I'm just frustrated, we have been like this for 2 years and it's more of an issue now because I'm ill and we've got baby too.

Medical emergencies aside I just want communication to be about their son only and if changes are needed she needs to ask as we always ask with adequate notice. Was different when DH was single with just their son and even when he met me but she needs to understand he's got two babies now. She'd be furious if DH said "Not having DSS today LadyVampire has made a booking for DD and I have to drive them".

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: