Is this emotional abuse?

[Anotherusername2333455667]

Name changed for this..
Is this ea?
Oh is nasty when I'm sick - there's no hugs and sympathy - he thinks I'm being manipulative and trying to ruin his life. He calls me weak had basically acts like I've let him down. He refuses to take time off work to look after the kids so I can rest or recover then he wonders why I'm still exhausted and sick the next day.
When we've been through stressful events he says and does exactly the wrong things - he offers me no support and then says I'm 'emotionally unstable' and goes around telling people and me what a burden I am.
When we had a miscarriage he said I hadn't because it was v early on (really a chemical pregnancy but it felt like a miscarriage to me).
He says I'm abusive to him - to be fair I've got so worn down I do say nasty things to him as things are just so bad between us and I feel I've been so hurt.
I'm looking to leave the relationship but had wanted up fix things for the sake of the kids rather than walk away.

[Anotherusername2333455667]

I'm doubting myself - maybe I am an emotional nightmare and expect too much of him?! Do other peoples husbands take days off when they are sick and unable to look after kids?

[Anotherusername2333455667]

Anyone?

[Secretlife0fbees]

Hi OP
In my opinion it sounds EA and he sounds vile. What is your situation? Kids? Do you have your own money? Is this behaviour just a recent thing?

[Secretlife0fbees]

I am in the process of separating at the moment. My stbxh is verbally and EA and he calls me abusive all the time! He uses the exact description of his own behaviour in order to deflect any responsibility. I think that is pretty usual in these types of men.

[Adora10]

Jesus, yes he's abusive OP, he sounds very nasty and vindictive, this is not a normal healthy relationship, get rid, you would be better off alone, he sounds like a fucken immature little bully, sad bastard, makes me mad, he is horrible to you when ill - I mean, seriously, you have to even ask?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Do not just look into leaving the relationship; leave the relationship. You and your children need to be apart from this individual.

Womens Aid can and will help you leave on 0808 2000 247. Also contact the Rights of Women in terms of legal advice rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

He is basically projecting his behaviours onto you by calling you abusive; it is he who is being abusive towards you. Its yet another tactic used by abusive men to control and keep their victims cowered.

Please do not do your bit here to continue to keep showing your children this rubbish example of a relationship. Why did you ever think you could fix things as well; it takes two to make a relationship work after all. This is not fixable due to his abuse of you; he feels entitled to act as he does and he enjoys both your distress and having power and control.

Staying for the sake of the children never works out well; in this case they are seeing and learning how their dad abuses you as their mum. What do you think they are learning about relationships from the two of you. He is abusing you and you are showing your children that currently at least this treatment of you is somehow acceptable to you (due in part to previously wanting to fix things or using them as a reason to stay). You really cannot and must not leave them such a damaging legacy.

[Anotherusername2333455667]

Yes two children and I guess it started when I was pregnant with the first. It's my main worry the impact on them.
Yes I find he does that all the time - says I do the behaviour which is actually how he behaves. Like this morning he called me 'manipulative' when I know I am really not this as a person at all. (This was in the context of me being ill and saying I wasn't well enough to look after the kids alone he said I was sabotaging his work by asking him to work from home (or find other arrangements to help me) and being 'manipulative' - I thought I was just being sick'!
He had a real problem with 'weakness' of any kind.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Yet more projection from him onto you.

He really does need to be gone from your day to day lives; the impact already is massive and it will affect your children going forward also.

Such men do not change; this is who he is. What is the situation re the property and finances?. I don't think you are married to this individual?.

[Anotherusername2333455667]

Married yes. Joint finances and house. I'm not working at the moment as my youngest only 7 months and I was made redundant a mo

[Anotherusername2333455667]

Month ago but I want and can get another job in 6 months to a year but not in a position to now

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would seek legal advice asap; knowledge after all is power.

[Mummyof6tiredmuch]

He sounds awful !
I wouldn't put up with this behaviour and you deserve so much better .

[charlotteswigwam]

My Stbx was like this. The turning point came when I was really ill with cystitis which turned into a kidney infection and he was so horrible-something just clicked and I knew I was leaving. Anyway he wasn't around over New Years and me and the toddler both got hit with really really bad Norovirus- it was horrible but soooo much easier than if he had been around. Which sort of confirms my decision was the right one.

[charlotteswigwam]

Oh, also sulking because I didn't want to have sex with him for a whole week because, you know, I had a uti and felt like crap aaargh

[theansweris42]

My ex was like this.
And when I realised what might be happening, I realised so many other abuses.
My ex was never the lovey dovey type but he was alright, had hus plus points.
Until I was pregnant with first.
He won't change. Protect yourself and your lovely DC.

[Anotherusername2333455667]

It's quite hard to come to terms with isn't it esp when they were so lovely at the start....

[Anotherusername2333455667]

Charlotte glad you are out - yes I'm at the stage where things are better without him around.

[SuffolkingGrand]

You had a miscarriage, you got made redundant on maternity leave and you have a tiny baby - what kind of a cretin treats his wife like crap when she's at her most vulnerable? Please don't question yourself; the problems lie with him. Sounds like you would thrive outside this relationship.

[Anotherusername2333455667]

Thank you Suffolk - I've been so in the fog just dealing with life events and I've struggled so much harder than I would have because of his lack of support that it's only now as things are starting to settle down that I'm realising quite how awful he was. I've asked him to leave a few times over this and various other issues but he usually thrn just storms off to a hotel for a few nights - doesn't see the kids at all and thrn waits for me to 'need' him - to help with your baby, to sort something in the house etc and I usually do as he's just left and therefore the toddler is asking for him and disturbed waking up loads and I have had time to get sorted. I don't have a lot of family around and I find the drudgery of single parenting very hard to cope with when I'm around exhausted. I do know that things would be better longer term though once we had settled into a routine. I've asked him to move out 'properly' ie find somewhere long term to live, tell the toddler what's happening, agree what he'll do on childcare and when he'll see the kids but he refuses to do this.

[Anotherusername2333455667]

The baby not your baby - sorry for numerous typos - feeding and typing!

[Anotherusername2333455667]

Already not around

[SuffolkingGrand]

Bless you, this sounds rotten.

I became a single mum of twins when they were 1 yr old having booted their DF out when he acted like this too. Believe me, it is hard work and he first few months needed a lot of willpower on my part but ten years on j can say that the whole experience was massively rewarding and the very best thing for he children in the long run.

Maybe a completely practical approach would help to make things more definite:

• see solicitor re house etc and next steps for contact, possible divorce etc
• tell him to leave and then change the locks - please don't be tempted to ask him back to help out: you can so do this all by yourself. The collective power of MN has got your back here.
• find out what benefits you're entitled to esp as you're not working and you have a baby
• summon the tonne of help for single mums that is here in MN and elsewhere online, even if IRL it might seem a bit lonely and isolating
• try and get out of the house each day with the kids even if it's raining or cold and even if it's just a little walk round the block or round the supermarket - this works a treat in the grand game of staying sane and having he chance to see/speak to other grown ups
• try and get to baby/toddlers groups - j bet there'll be other mums there whose friendship you'll come to appreciate and there are bound to be others in similar situations.
• accept help from anyone sensible who offers it.... but don't get him back into the house to help with bedtimes etc as thats just a slippery slope to going back to the old ways
• don't be ashamed of anything
• if you need help, ask, whatever it might be
• walk tall, think big and practical (even and especially when you least feel it) and then everything else will fall into place
• let your gp/ health visitor know what's going on as they may be able to support/signpost you and they'll be able to keep an eye, esp on your mental health (that's a good thing, btw)

Sending you positive vibes and much chocolate, wine and moral support.

[Proseccoisthenewlambrini]

Hi OP

I just wanted to offer you more support. I second everything pp said especially the part about not letting him back in to help with bedtimes, this was my slippery slope and I currently trying to find the words to tell my DH we are not getting back together.
My advice is if you have a wobble (which is inevitable) talk to someone, even if it's on here, don't ask him for help, all that will do is make him think he's won and knock your own confidence and self esteem and it sounds like he's done that enough for a lifetime.

He sounds very similar to my DH, learn from my mistakes, get him out and keep him out, it's 10000 x harder the 2nd and 3rd times.

💐

[theansweris42]

Hi
I haven't time to post loads but my situation was so similar and I was trapped in another country.
I think you should start thinking what you can put in place (even in your head) about managing without him.
And keep telling him what needs to happen next, that you want him to leave...I know he refuses - it took a lot of asking for my ex to realise I would not stop til he bought the plane tickets.
Mine were 3 and 4 when I left him and I had nothing and he engineered that I should have nothing.
Never missed him (missed what I thought we had, family unit etc) and am now getting there with finances etc
good luck and look after yourself.
there is life after this