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Advice needed on how to deal with this please

(23 Posts)
user1465910683 Thu 19-Jan-17 22:43:55

I've been married to dh for 16 years, we have 3 teenage children. Things have to been great for a few years now but we muddle along. We do have some fun times and he does loads with our children.

But, he finds it hard to show any emotion or feelings towards me, it's gradually caused me to be the same so our children never see any hugs, kisses or hear I love you. We both do and say it to the children though.

The last couple of years, whenever we disagree or bicker dh can't seem to deal with even the slightest thing and ignores me for days on end, after which he'll expect me to start being friends again when he's finished with the silent treatment.

The latest example was on Monday, the children were eating breakfast on the couch + were bickering over who sat where. I was tired + rushing to get ready for work so firmly told them to move into the kitchen + sit at the table + shut up bickering. Dh didn't like this + thought I was overreacting. He said this in front of the children which annoyed me. I didn't respond to him so he clicked his fingers to get my attention, at which point I walked away.

He usually clears up at breakfast when he's working the late shift as he only leave for work at 1.30pm. But, when I returned from work at 5 pm with the children he'd left the kitchen as it was that morning. He is responsible for cleaning the bathrooms but has refused to do them so far this week. Every morning im up first and always put mugs out for tea + coffee + he makes the drinks whilst I'm getting ready + trying to get the children out of bed. This week he's made the children's drinks + left my cup empty.

He came home from work an hr late on Tues without ringing me. He cycles home down country lanes at 10pm + I was worried something had happened. I also text him but he didn't reply.

He's completely blanking me.

I know that in a few days, he'll have stopped sulking and ask me how long I'm going to carry this on for (that's what he always does) and it will all be brushed under the carpet because he won't address anything. If I try to, it will flare up again.

Please don't all say leave him, I really need advice on how best to deal with this.

therootoftheroot Thu 19-Jan-17 22:49:56

well i really think you do need to think about how you will feel in 20 years time knowing that this was your life.
You don't get another go you know-this is it.

is this what you want to look back at?

he sounds like a terrible nob to be quite frank.

TimidLividyetagain Thu 19-Jan-17 22:51:19

If you don't want to leave him confront him tell him to stop treating u like this demand to be heard.or stop communicating be breezy and outlast him. Or leave

Bluntness100 Thu 19-Jan-17 22:53:29

Well if you're not going to leave him, you can do one of two things.

Sit him down and tell him you can't take the ignoring and how it makes you feel and ask him to change. Make him understand it's not healthy for the kids to see it.

Or...Accept this is who he is and what he does and don't let it get to you.

My husband would love to do this sort of shit, did it s couple of times when we were younger and just moved in together. but my blowing up in his face and explaining just how much of a fucking arse hole he was , then telling all our mates how petty he was, soon put a stop to it. I suspect you're past that stage as you've accepted it for so long. So either talk to him or accept it.

Thattimeofyearagain Thu 19-Jan-17 22:53:35

Tell him to grow up, that your not going to deal with sulking anymore. He sounds like an arse.

Doolallylally Thu 19-Jan-17 22:58:22

You have two choices, split up or fix it. How much do you want to fix things? If you do then you have to give him an absolute ultimatum. Either you two start communicating or you want a divorce. You really have to be strong and committed to following things through. Nothing will ever get resolved by not talking. I'd tell him we're going to Relate and that is that. You cannot carry on like that.

user1465910683 Thu 19-Jan-17 23:00:39

Deep down I know I should leave him but I haven't got the energy, money or confidence to go it alone with the children. The love their dad and he's great with them, it would break their hearts.

user1465910683 Thu 19-Jan-17 23:03:05

He's offered to go to relate in the past. But he truly believes that he's always in the right. He can't open up (I know he can't help this as that's how his parents are)

Doolallylally Thu 19-Jan-17 23:03:47

Go to Relate then, they're very good.

user1465910683 Thu 19-Jan-17 23:05:41

Doolally do you think they'll be able to get him to open up? He hates talking about things and never deals with things.

user1465910683 Thu 19-Jan-17 23:16:21

He's choosing to sleep on the sofa tonight, this is all such a massive overreaction.

And why does he think it's ok to punish me by refusing to do his share of the chores. he knows I'll have to pick up the slack because it's DDS birthday on Saturday and we have people round.

HeddaGarbled Thu 19-Jan-17 23:20:14

He's passive aggressive.

Do some google searching on how to handle passive aggressives.

Myself, I think I'd stage a major and extended sobbing meltdown every single fucking time he didn't make me a cup of tea etc. Stiff upper lip is never going to work here.

Or maybe a tally chart on the fridge: number of days H has been sulking. Show him that you know exactly what he is doing.

But probably Relate is a better idea.

Patriciathestripper1 Thu 19-Jan-17 23:24:28

It was horrible reading your post because my husband was exactly the same.
I used to try and make up and say I'd been in the wrong even when I hadn't just do he would speak to me again.
It came to a head last year when I got sick of the shit and when he went to visit family overseas I told him not to come home and changed the locks.
When he did come back a week later he had to stay with friends and we met for 'talks' and everything came out.
He agreed he had turned into an arsehole and I think the shock of it all made him realise what he would loose.
I was prepared for him not to come back rather than carry on with his shit but he did come home and so far it's been great.
I would say op if you are going to tackle him then be clear about what you want and that it may also not go the way you want.
It is your life and you need to live it for you.
Your kids might be upset if you split but I'm sure they would rather have two happy parents than two miserable ones who hardly talk.
If he has agreed to go for counselling then go. At least that shows he still wants to fix things.

HeddaGarbled Thu 19-Jan-17 23:24:44

Or plate up dinner for everyone except him and stop doing his laundry and tell him you'll restart when he stops sulking?

offside Thu 19-Jan-17 23:31:02

I grew up in a household like this and I hated it. I still hate it now and I still get anxious when I go to their house in case they've had an argument. This is no way for your children to live. You either have to communicate these issues to him, leave him or risk your children only ever remembering the Tim's their parents would fall out and how it made them feel, causing them to dread visiting when they are older.

user1465910683 Thu 19-Jan-17 23:31:10

Hedda of love to do that but I don't want the children seeing me treat him that way as I think it would upset them that I could be so mean. They haven't noticed the morning drinks because I've madey own by the time they've come downstairs. They don't notice the additional household jobs I've been doing either.

user1465910683 Thu 19-Jan-17 23:34:28

Offside I've tried in the past to speak to him about it. He either starts another sulk marathon or occasionally has promised to try but it never lasts. So now I don't bother, I just wait for him to snap out of it then we carry on as usual , without even addressing the problem. It's pointless because he genuinely thinks he's not done anything wrong. He's so blinkered.

user1465910683 Thu 19-Jan-17 23:35:50

Thanks. Glad you managed to sort things.

CatBallou2 Fri 20-Jan-17 15:46:23

Tell him not to come home until he's grown up and prepared to change. His wife and children need an adult husband and father, not an immature excuse for one.

If he doesn't change and you're not prepared to separate, how will you manage going forward? Why should you all suffer because he can't take control of himself. Very strange behaviour on his part. I'd say your children have already noticed what's going on.

hotwater Fri 20-Jan-17 17:10:37

He sounds like my dad - my mum put up with it for a long time for our sake. I wish she hadn't for her sake and for mine. I understand how hard it must be to leave and turn your whole world upside down but have no other advice as dad never changed.

HyacinthsBucket Fri 20-Jan-17 17:15:11

Stop doing anything for him - no meals, no drinks, no washing. Treat him in exactly the same way that he is treating you. And do so until he apologises for his behaviour. He behaves this way OP because you let him, and what message is that to give your kids?

Doolallylally Fri 20-Jan-17 17:19:08

Doolally do you think they'll be able to get him to open up? He hates talking about things and never deals with things.

I don't know, I just think you owe it to yourself, your children and him to try and salvage your marriage. Having said that, is that what you really want?

Relate are very good and the best chance you have of actually having a relationship. At present you don't have one.

ANewDawn Fri 20-Jan-17 17:29:11

He''s not great with the kids if he undermines you and clicks his fingers at you! That shows a massive amount of disrespect and is teaching your kids a damaging lesson.


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