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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

AIBU wanting to get married

26 replies

LifeAsWeKnowIt · 19/01/2017 21:19

Hello,
I am new here and this is my first post.
So basically I am 21 and my boyfriend is 24, we've been together 4 years and we have two kids and a dog.
Things haven't been the best as we are catching up on finances after he was jobless for a month and a half. He now earns a really good wage and we are on top of things.

4 years ago I was a size 8. After two kids and being severely depressed I turned to comfort eating so I'm now a size 18. We don't have sex anymore and I'm sure it's because of this, but the love is still there.

I want to marry him but he's always said maybe due to the costs involved.
I'm not interested in a big wedding. I would be happy to go to the town hall and do it. I mentioned it to him tonight and again I got a maybe and he tried to change the conversation and got really shitty with me. He will never give me a yes or a no, should I just give up hope? Will he ever want to marry me?
Oh and I should add his parents aren't married and they've been together since they were 17. Might be where he gets his tunnel vision from.

OP posts:

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Nanananananagigglebiz · 19/01/2017 21:33

Getting married is obviously important to you and even though you are still very young you have a family with your boyfriend. I think it's perfectly reasonable to be talking about it with your boyfriend. You need to find out if marriage will ever be on his agenda. You deserve to be married if it's what you want but he has to want it too. If not then you may need to revaluate.

MyWineTime · 19/01/2017 23:04

You are in your early 20s, only been together a few years but you are already not having sex anymore. That doesn't sound like a good basis to start a marriage.
I understand why you want to be married, I would never have had children without being married. My DH felt the same.

Sort the problems in your relationship first, then you can talk about getting married.

Happybunny19 · 20/01/2017 13:06

For a start you aren't really describing a relationship/situation that sounds suitable to be getting married. You already have children, home, dog together, all in a very short space of time. TBH I think slow down, you're so very young and there's no need to do everything before you're 30.

As for his attitude to marriage in general, as much as you feel compelled to go for it he feels differently at the moment. That doesn't mean he will always feel that way, but he might. It certainly doesn't mean he doesn't feel committed to you. I am not of the opinion, as many are on MN, that marriage has to come before children.

I have been in my LTR for nearly 23 years, not married. I would quite like to, but OH just doesn't see any importance in it so it's meaningless to him. I could have stomped my feet at any point over the years and made him do it, but that would be pointless as for me he needs to want to do it. We've been talking about it a bit again lately and we might do it, but if we don't it really won't matter.

More importantly for me we have our finances sorted, I have an equal share of our house and our wills have been written to protect both of us and our children.

You need to remember it's the quality of your relationship and happiness that's paramount here, not a certificate from an offical.

Adora10 · 20/01/2017 13:23

Why do you want to marry someone you have a shit relationship with, sorry but it sounds crap, no sex and he's not interested in discussing marriage, work on your problems and see if you can resolve them, marriage will just make it worse.

Ellisandra · 20/01/2017 13:58

Relationship first, marriage second.

Quarksoundslikequack · 20/01/2017 14:08

Don't ever think that marriage will fix issues, I did & now I'm divorced 2 years later.
Marriage ruined us, don't rely on it to keep you together.

SandyY2K · 20/01/2017 14:12

We don't have sex anymore

Unless you are both happy with this arrangement, then getting married would be a big mistake.

Get your relationship back on track, before you get married.

Naicehamshop · 20/01/2017 19:22

I agree that your relationship doesn't 'really sound like it's strong enough to make marriage a good idea. Sorry.

More importantly, think about your finances. If your relationship breaks down you could find yourself in a difficult financial situation if everything is in his name.

IceCat · 20/01/2017 19:40

he's probably on the look out for another lady tbh

sorry to give a blunt opinion

LifeAsWeKnowIt · 20/01/2017 22:42

I was going to explain the situation a bit more but fuck it. You guys are as bitchy as they say. I imagine you've been cheated on IceCat I trust him 100% and I know he would never cheat on me. Some men do have morals!! Thank you all for the crap advice.

OP posts:

Secretlife0fbees · 20/01/2017 22:47

You don't sound very happy together OP, marriage would just make you more trapped! Do you really want to be stuck in a sexless marriage at 21!?

nuttyknitter · 20/01/2017 22:53

Don't ask for advice if you're not prepared to listen to it! No one on here is being bitchy - they're stating a fact. Your relationship as you describe it sounds rocky at best and marriage won't fix that.

ImperialBlether · 20/01/2017 22:57

I think you should always marry from a position of strength, where you look your best, you're doing well in your personal life and at work. If you feel vulnerable in any way, you're more likely to have problems immediately afterwards.

HeddaGarbled · 20/01/2017 22:58

You are not being unreasonable for wanting to get married but it looks very much as if he doesn't want to marry you.

You are in a very vulnerable position, being unmarried with two young children. What's the situation with your housing. Do you own or rent? Whose name is it in? Are you working?

If you are not going to marry, which seems likely, you need to make sure that you will have a home for your children and an income to support yourself if you split up. Concentrate on sorting that out for now.

GinIsIn · 20/01/2017 23:00

There's no point asking for advice and then getting angry when you receive it - nobody has been bitchy. You clearly already know that something isn't quite right in the relationship or you wouldn't be asking.

And sex isn't everything in a relationship, but it's not nothing either so clearly there is something missing. Have you tried to discuss with him the fact you never have sex? Is that something that's instigated by you, or by him?

outabout · 20/01/2017 23:10

I think the first three posts sum it up well. Put marriage on hold for the moment and work on other aspects.
Get the depression under control which will hopefully allow reduction of comfort eating. Work on your self esteem if that is a bit low, all little bits to turn things around a bit. You both have to want to be together but the act of marriage is an expense and stress you don't need right now.
How he handles helping you get free of depression would be an indicator of whether marriage is a good idea. This will take time, which at your age you should have plenty of, even if you are running after 2 children so won't feel like it.

Happybunny19 · 20/01/2017 23:14

What a ridiculous response. What bitching? Are you having a tantrum because you expected everyone to agree he should marry you, you'd show him this thread and he'd suddenly see the light and go down on one knee?

Quarksoundslikequack · 20/01/2017 23:15

Unfortunately OP, you will get nothing but honest & blunt answers on Mumsnet, no one will tell you what you want to hear.

I guess it's easy to think everyone is being harsh given the fact no one has said "yeah get married" & told you to do it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/01/2017 23:19

Bitchy? No. Experienced? Yes.

Some of us married badly in our twenties. Some of us regret it.

But go ahead. Why not. You'll learn, just like we had to.

LifeAsWeKnowIt · 20/01/2017 23:24

We own our house and it's in both our names. Everything is split fair, we both work, he brings in slightly more than me but I'd still manage on my own with the kids. The sex I'm not too concerned about, I was raped by a man who was good friends with me and my mother when I was 17. I met my OH shortly after so I had trouble with sex from the start, he was well aware of what went on and understood. So sex has never been a big deal in our relationship! I actually showed him this post as it was funny (I was angry when I wrote it) and we sat down and had a lovely chat. He does actually want to marry me he just always said maybe as he didn't want me to keep on at him to propose all the time, which is something I would have done had he said yes before our chat. I think too much.

OP posts:

bert3400 · 20/01/2017 23:28

You are not in the right emotional position to get married & are using it as a sticking plaster on a broken relationship. You need to sort your self out first emotionally & Physically . You said you have gained a lot of weight ..Are you happy to be this size ? If you are great but if not this is something you may wish to address, as you say it has an impact on your sex life. and having a piece of paper isn't going to bring that back !

Chelazla · 20/01/2017 23:29

Op I agree some responses are bitchy- ice cat that really is quite nasty and unfounded- but not all are. Some people are trying to help. You mention your weight do you think this is why you don't have sex? I know it's so hard but maybe tackle this so YOU feel better for you? Is your depression under control? I understand the want to get married it's not a piece of paper it's a sense of belonging. Could you focus on making you happy which will in turn make everyone happier?

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Chelazla · 20/01/2017 23:30

Sorry cross post only just seen your last one.

LifeAsWeKnowIt · 20/01/2017 23:36

To me it's not just a piece of paper. We don't have a broken relationship it's I who is broken. He has supported me through everything and is a great father, I think I need to work on myself. I've never actually thought of it that way but this post has really enlightened me. I take back my second comment. So thank you to all who have offered advice and support, I now know what I need to do

OP posts:

Chelazla · 20/01/2017 23:39

Good luck op!

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