Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Too much of a ladies'man?

(35 Posts)
user1484840592 Thu 19-Jan-17 16:37:01

I'm in desperate need of women's insight on a problem. I usually rely on my own judgment, but this problem is about my daughter and I'm afraid I might be biased...
So, my inexperienced young daughter is dating a much older guy. I've had no problem with the age issue as he seems nice and caring. Given the age difference they both kinda know they cannot be together forever, although he's been hinting that he would actually like to get married and stuff. At the same time, he seems to have an incredible amount of female friends, all of them single.
My DD did her best to ignore the fact that he sometimes visited an old friend - at her house- for a massage (and a bite to eat, since he's there). Or going over to his ex to help with some repair...What really bothers me is that lately he's been seeing another friend, who is supossedly going through a break-up and needs someone to talk to. They met at a coffee-shop, but obviously, my DD had a lot to say on this subject, but he insists he's just doing this as a friend. Well, he did admit that this other woman used to fancy him in the past and right now she is quite desperate to be in a relationship with someone.
What really ticked me off is that - being a good friend, he readily accepted to give this woman a ride, as she needed to do some shopping and the weather's been terrible and the poor girl needs some help. Once again, DD was visibly upset (and refused to tag along), but he simply ignored her and went to help this healthy young woman buy whatever...Might I mention that the desperate young female is due to start taking driving lessons with my girl's boyfriend?
I've been trying to warn my daughter that this is not ok and she understands that this woman is after her man, yet she chose to accept his point of view. What do I do? Should I insist on voicing my concern? Should I let her face the ugly truth when she's ready to do it? And, finally, do any of you believe that this whole story might me innocent? Are there guys that just want to be friendly and nothing more?

Bluntness100 Thu 19-Jan-17 16:40:24

I think you should stay out of it and are way over invested in her relationships, I'm assuming she's an adult? How old is she and how old is he?

And yes, it could be entirely innocent.

ImperialBlether Thu 19-Jan-17 16:40:49

He sounds like a complete waste of space, to be honest. Tell her there are tons of nice young men out there who'd love to meet her, and they wouldn't mess her around like this one, who seems like he's on a huge ego trip.

PickAChew Thu 19-Jan-17 16:43:22

Assuming she's an adult, I think that, sadly, al you can do is be there for her. If she's complaining about how badly done to she feels, then by all means voice your concern that he probably has no intention of being faithful and that she will get hurt by him, but other than that, be ready with the tissues and chocolate when she needs it.

HalfShellHero Thu 19-Jan-17 16:48:24

I think your views are right but ultimately have to wait for her to see it herself...got to be the hardest part of being a parent.

user1484840592 Thu 19-Jan-17 16:48:37

Yes, she is an adult, so I know there's nothing I can do..I'm honestly just trying to find a way to minimize the damage. Or maybe it's not my job and she needs to experience dissapointment so she can learn from her own mistakes.

toyd Thu 19-Jan-17 16:57:20

You sound like a caring dad, but their ages are crucial here.

DonaldStott Thu 19-Jan-17 17:05:51

I think you need to stop demonizing the woman who is 'after' you dd's man. He doesn't HAVE to help her out. He WANTS to. So painting her as some desperate maneater, will not be helping your daughter.

CatBallou2 Thu 19-Jan-17 17:07:49

They always say leave well alone and don't get involved. It's you your DD will turn to if and when things go wrong with her DP. It can't be easy for you witnessing what's happening, but if your daughter's an adult, it's her business what goes on in her life and who she dates.

I suppose you could ask her what she expects from this relationship and maybe that'll get her thinking?

pieceofpurplesky Thu 19-Jan-17 17:13:23

How old are they both?

toyd Thu 19-Jan-17 17:18:51

"Because of the age difference they both kinda know they can't be together for ever", sounds more 18 and 60, rather than 25 and 40.

user1484840592 Thu 19-Jan-17 17:29:55

Actually, it's 18 and 46 we're talking here..

Adora10 Thu 19-Jan-17 17:34:13

Jesus, I would be so sad to learn my 18 year old was involved with a 46 year old, imo, that's just not right.

Also, it's him chasing women not the other way around I'd say.

All you can do is advise her, ultimately she needs to find out the hard way, just like all of us have done when making a mistake.

DonaldStott Thu 19-Jan-17 17:39:08

18 and 46!!! What the fuck does a nearly 50yo want with someone who is barely an adult!! Not right that.

MrsDustyBusty Thu 19-Jan-17 17:44:36

Oh she needs to keep away from that old groomer.

toyd Thu 19-Jan-17 17:45:09

Don't like the sound of that AT ALL.

Have you had a word in his shell like? Is DD's mum around?

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay Thu 19-Jan-17 17:48:26

He sounds like a complete waste of space, to be honest. Tell her there are tons of nice young men out there who'd love to meet her, and they wouldn't mess her around like this one, who seems like he's on a huge ego trip.

Completely agree!

toyd Thu 19-Jan-17 17:51:52

This can never be an equal relationship, have you any idea why your DD is attracted to him?

My dad was hugely older than my mum, it wasn't good.

hoddtastic Thu 19-Jan-17 17:53:06

another interesting age gap thread, i had no idea this kind of thing was so prevalent smile

FWIW I would be wondering why my 18 year old was lusting after someone old enough to be her dad, and wondering what my parenting had done to cause such daddy issues... :D

CatBallou2 Thu 19-Jan-17 17:53:35

Oh dear, that age difference is really bad difficult. Does your DD tell you what she wants from this relationship? What is going on in his head?? You need to get advice from a counsellor to deal with this. Maybe someone here is qualified to advise?

pinkyredrose Thu 19-Jan-17 17:55:39

What makes you think the friend is a desperate young woman?

And Wtf would a 46yr old want to be seeing an 18yr old! That's the major issue!

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 19-Jan-17 17:55:59

Talk to your daughter about her gut instinct. In general, perhaps give a few examples from your own experience. Then, oh look! Here is a perfect example of her gut telling her something is not quite right...or massively not right in this case.

I would go further and explain that the gut feeling is all you need to act on, for herself. She doesn't need "proof", or an explanation, or need to be able to verbalize it (some things are just hard to find the right words for) to justify taking action to look out for herself. This will help her develop and trust her own judgement.

Bluntness100 Thu 19-Jan-17 17:59:51

Ah that changes it a lot for me. I'd be really pissed off if a man my age was seeing a woman of my daughters age . That's a huge age difference, and a major difference in maturity and life experience. They probably have very little in common.

When I was that age I had a 32 year old boyfriend, but 47, that would have seemed ancient to me and my daughter who is 19 thinks of this as her parents age.

I doubt there is much you can do, but I wouldn't like this at all.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 19-Jan-17 18:03:47

Perhaps encourage your daughter to start her own thread?wink

Butterfly2020 Thu 19-Jan-17 18:04:01

Take it from someone who ended up being abused from a man twice my age when I was 16...

She may feel like she loves him, but he is grooming her.

Get your daughter the fuck away from this man ASAP, please.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now