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Immature DP. Will he ever change?

(15 Posts)
RoseOfSharyn Thu 19-Jan-17 15:18:31

I just split with my partner and I'm devastated even though it was my decision. I'm sorry this will be long and rambling. I just need to get it off my chest.

We've been seeing each other around a year and it was absolutely perfect. So we decided to move in together just before Xmas. Unfortunately, living with him made me realise how immature he was and how much he relied on his mum while he was living with her. He had no clue how to do housework, and when he did try he caused some dangerous situations (think pouring hot oil down a sink! confused) I have various mental health issues that he was struggling to deal with, and the situation was grinding us down. His mum didn't want him to move out in the first place and her constant neediness (daily phone calls etc) was starting to get on my nerves. We decided to go back to how we were as it was working before, plus I need some space to work things out while I'm undergoing treatment for my MH.

Since he's moved out he's become very distant. Not coming over for coffees during the day. Rarely staying the night. Not wanting to make plans, etc.

Yesterday I had a technical problem with something in my house and had to get a specialist tradesperson in to fix it. He offered to help in any way he could until the problem was solved which I was grateful for but said I'd manage. I made plans for tonight to meet up with some friends and messaged him asking if he had any plans for tonight as I was going to invite him. The message went ignored and he changed the subject.

Later last night, on his way home from work I asked him if he could collect something from the shop since I'd not had chance to go out and he was passing my house on the way home. I also thought he might stay for a while and have a cuppa. He'd been here no more than 5 minutes when him mum rang asking why he wasn't home hmm (he's a grown man fgs!) He then mentioned he'd popped in to see me, so she decided to tell him she's booked in for surgery and giving details of the times/dates, etc and that he needed to take the day off work to collect her. He rushed the rest of his conversation with me and went to leave.

On his way out I asked why he'd ignored my message about him having plans. He said 'I thought you were going to ask me if I could help with <house issue>, but it's my day off so I wanted to chill out!' Fair enough, but why offer if you have no intention of helping?

He also offered to look after my DC next week while I go to a MH appointment, which he changed his mind about last night too.

Am I right in thinking that if he's this immature and reliant on his mother it's never going to change and he's always going to need a 'mother figure' rather than an equal partner? (For context, I'm 3 years older than him, divorced with 3 children and have lived away from my parents for 11 years. He's mid 20s and still living with his mum.)

TheNaze73 Thu 19-Jan-17 15:27:00

The root cause here, is not his mother, it's his lack of interest in you.
Don't look for things that aren't there, the right bloke would have your back. He really hasn't got yours.
A year seems quite rushed as well. Put it all down to experience & good luck for the future.

You deserve, so much more

notangelinajolie Thu 19-Jan-17 15:48:58

You did the right thing. I think not only did he move out he's moved on or is trying to. I think you should too and him popping in for a coffee and a chat isn't going to help either of you. Sounds like you have both discovered things about each other over the past few weeks that neither of you can live comfortably with. Sorry flowers cake wine

Adora10 Thu 19-Jan-17 15:52:15

First mistake was moving in together after a year, not long enough.

Second mistake is thinking this can work; he's clearly lost interest now anyway and doesn't sound like there is any romance there? Even after a year, you should both be at it like rabbits and glowing from that first flush of love - all sounds like hard work OP and not worth your energy.

zznotxy Thu 19-Jan-17 16:38:54

It's disappointing to find this out about your nearest and dearest - but a gold star for picking up, and acting on it, so quickly. It doesn't really matter what HIS issues are, don't overthink. Move on, smart girl.

Angrybird123 Thu 19-Jan-17 17:32:15

Not sure I agree about the 1 year thing. I think when you are in your late twenties / thirties you can have a fair idea of what you want and how many years do you want to 'waste' dating someone who then turns out to be impossible to live with. The OP was sensible in that he moved in and easily moved out, no pooled resources to buy somewhere or anything like that. OP yes I think this has dead horse all over it. It's not so much the reliance on is mum - whilst not attractive it can be solved but the not wanting to help out thing would be more of an issue for me. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

Adora10 Thu 19-Jan-17 17:39:00

I hardly think you've wasted a year dating! It was all too soon that is why the OP is now finding out his real personality.

TheNaze73 Thu 19-Jan-17 17:49:01

Spot on Adora 10

furlinedsheepskinjacket Thu 19-Jan-17 18:07:59

no he wont ever change

my ex was the same.we were together from late teens to middle age.
i just thought one day - he hasn't got better at stuff in 20 years, in the next 20 years he will be 60.not much chance of changing then. smile

Atenco Fri 20-Jan-17 00:29:52

I think everyone should have spent some time living away from home before they even think of moving in with a partner. Until you have lived away from home, you haven't a clue about what it takes, especially if your mother babies you.

hoddtastic Fri 20-Jan-17 01:07:39

Did you move him in with your kids after just a year? That's too quick even without the mum and your issues. It does not sound like fun for anyone

RoseOfSharyn Fri 20-Jan-17 03:42:49

hodd yes I did. He had been a family friend for a long time, so he wasn't a stranger to us all.

atenco i agree. Everyone needs to be able to be self sufficient before they start a long term relationship.

furlined thats what I was afraid of. sad

PyongyangKipperbang Fri 20-Jan-17 12:57:14

I suspect that the reason he lost interest after moving back out was because he saw you not so much as a life partner but as a way to leave his mothers. She is obviously very overbearing and probably has made it very difficult to leave under his own steam, so moving in with you was the perfect solution. Except it wasnt, so now he has no need for you.

And yes, I do think that he was going from one mother to another, in expectations at least.

AreWeThereYet000 Fri 20-Jan-17 13:27:53

Going against the grain I don't think moving in after a year is too soon, me and my partner moved in together after 6 months, further down the line we have bought our own home and have a child due in the next 4 weeks, and that was moving him in with my DS (like the OP we knew him before he became a partner) personally I think why waste 5 years dating someone to move in together to then realise you're not compatible?! Anyhow... no I don't think he will change, to me it sounds like he has been brought up with his mum doing everything for him and that they are close, he probably expected that as you are female and a mother yourself that it would be like moving home from home and to be fair he isn't going to know how to do a lot of household stuff if he has never had to do them. Because of this immaturity the MH issues are probably more than he can handle (sorry that sounds harsh, but it's aimed at him and not disrespecting you) and his mother sounds interfering so has probably said something so his lack of interest is him pondering. Just be straight with him, ask him what he wants out of the relationship x

user1478860582 Fri 20-Jan-17 13:38:53

Not defending him here, but you knew before he moved in that he might not be the domestic god. It doesn't take a huge leap of the imagination to work out if he's only lived at home and you've known him as a family friend for quite a while.

He moved in with you and three kids, which for any bloke must be daunting. Then after roughly a month together you kick him out?

You didn't give him much of a chance really.

I'm not really surprised that he's now not running round after you.

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