I've lost all trust in him - please advise!

[Sunshinemomma3]

My fiance and I have been together for almost 5 years, we have a three month old DS and two children from my pervious marriage (who call my fiance dad). My two biological children have no contact with their biological father as he is now on the sex offenders register so my fiance is their only father figure and has been for many years.

My fiance is perfect in every way except one - he lies.

He lies about anything that he knows will get him into trouble. Sometimes it's okay, like he'll lie to work about why he's late but then he lies about things to me too. Sometimes these things have been small like what he had for dinner while I was away (when I have no opinion about it in the first place) And then other times about bigger things like two years into our relationship telling his ex in an email that he was living in a shared house and not with me and my children. I forgave him for this as he said if he told her about me she would have asked for some stuff back from the house they shared together and he wanted that stuff for us.

We decided to have a baby a couple of years ago and so I gave up smoking, even socially and he cut back too. It worked and we conceived our son last Christmas 2015. I didn't smoke during the pregnancyand he told me he had quit too, spending money on fancy vaping equipment instead.

So our baby was born in October and I sang my fiance's praises to everyone. I really admired him for quitting, especially seeing as smoking is cited as the number one cause of cot death. Still, in the back of my mind I didn't trust him and wondered if he smoked whilst walking the dogs in the evening. A few times I confronted him because I thought I smelt smoke on him but he denied it completely.

Skip to last night. I went out to his car go try and find my bank card which I thought I'd left in his glove box. He'd left his bag in there and I thought 'what if he hasn't really given up smoking? I'll just look in his bag quick and see.'

I know it's wrong to snoop but I felt I had to. Low and behold, there was all the smoking stuff. Two packs of tobacco and filters etc.

I had to wait all evening until the kids were asleep before I could confront him. At first he tried to lie his way out and say they were old packets until I told him I had searched the batch numbers on them and knew exactly how old they were. Only then did he fess up.

He slept on the sofa last night and I honestly don't know what to do. We have children, we're due to be married in June and in every other way he is completely perfect: kind, hardworking, good looking, funny, sociable, educated, musical and, I thought - my soul mate but how can I stay with a man I can't trust? 🙁

I need some advice from some very wise ladies. My friends, you have the floor...

[SadTrombone]

Didn't want to read and run but am a bit stumped for advise I'm afraid. Definitely sounds like a compulsion.
Only thing I can think of is suggesting counselling (or couples counselling if you're worried he will lie about going!!) to try and get to the bottom of why he does it?

[Itssosunny]

If he doesn't smoke in front of you or the children then I would probably leave it. I don't smoke and I hate when people smoke next to me. Not sure what I would do if DH smoked.

[magoria]

It's not just the smoking is it. That is the tip of the iceberg.

He is just that little bit deceitful to anyone to get what he wants.

You cannot be sure of anything he has said or will say in the future.

You are right to sort your feelings now before a wedding. If you are having doubts put it on hold until you work it out rather than marry and regret it.

[PaterPower]

My Dad did the "I've stopped smoking" thing to my Mum when I was mid teens. Of course he hadn't really - I think he'd actually managed for about two weeks - but the effort he must have gone to to hide it from her! He still smokes now, some 25 years on.

Not sure what to suggest. I suppose at least he cared enough to try and hide it from you, rather than really not giving a toss what you thought iyswim.

If he's compulsively lying about anything and everything then getting him to get some help understanding WHY would help you both. But you probably need to separate the smoking from the rest of his behaviour. You won't ever force a smoker to quit - they have to want to give up and a lot will lie or hide it if they think it'll give them an easier life.

[jcne]

I have a similar issue. It's not about the smoking/drinking/whatever. it's about the lying. it ruins everything. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth now and the anxiety is exhausting me. I don't know what to do. how do you trust someone like this? i've no idea. it may end my relationship.

[jcne]

I think with mine it comes from a place of insecurity. he loves me and he doesn't want me to leave but he's also weak and selfish. he wants everything. so if he can't have it he'll just find another way round.

[Pocketsaviour]

It's not really the smoking that's the issue, is it? It's just highlighted for you that you can't trust anything he says.

Does either of his parents have addiction or serious mh problems? Adult children of alcoholics can commonly develop a reflexive lie response to more or less anything.

Does he acknowledge that he lies?

[Sunshinemomma3]

Nope, he has the perfect parents. A vicar and his kindly wife. No addiction, no trouble; he had a childhood to be envied. 😕

[Costacoffeeplease]

You can't trust him and have to go to the lengths of checking batch numbers before he tells the truth?

Do you really want this for the rest of your life?

I'm exhausted just reading about it

[SSYMONDS]

Lying is so complicated, he won't know why he does it himself. It's usually because the person deep down doesn't believe who they are and how they behave is acceptable. Psychodynamic psychotherapy can really help as it encourages the person to think about the underlying reasons for what they're doing. But it'll only be helpful if he accepts, on some level, that he tells lies and that he wants to stop.

[Sunshinemomma3]

Thank you to all of you. He is very sorry and humble. He says he loves us all so much and that what we have is too important for him to f*ck up. I think #ssymonds you've hit the nail on the head when you say he finds it difficult to accept his negative behaviour.

I've told him that I accept quitting smoking is incredibly tough but that I will help him rather than judge him if he falls off the wagon.

This man is my best friend and very open to changing for the better. I guess that as hurtful as this is, I'd like to support him to iron it out.

Really, really appreciate EVERYONE who took the time to help me get my head around what was going on.

[Costacoffeeplease]

Really? Ok

[HeddaGarbled]

I don't think the smoking is important. If he has a couple of smokes every evening while he walks the dog, that's not a big deal. He's nearly given up, he isn't smoking around you or the children. That's all good and I would cut him some slack on this. I don't think that you should have searched his bag and if you genuinely google searched the batch numbers, I think that was way over the top.

Has it occurred to you that he lies to you because you are somewhat critical and controlling?

It's really difficult to tell from your post how important this is. Lying to work about why you're late - doesn't everyone do this now and again? Lying to you about what he had for dinner - a bit weird. Is he worried you will disapprove of unhealthy eating or the expense of takeaways? Lying to his ex - possible plausible explanation, possible weird.

I wonder whether he was brought up in a family where he was continuously being criticised and told off. That could lead to lie to protect himself. Then if you have a tendency to boss him around and be critical, he still thinks he needs to do it.

You could have a conversation about this, how he doesn't need to lie to you but as part of this you would need to acknowledge that you are not his parent and it's not your place to tell him what to do. If he chooses to have one or two cigarettes every evening, even you saying that you will be supportive rather than judgemental is still you trying to control his behaviour rather than accept that he is an adult who can make his own decisions about this.

[Atenco]

I don't like liars either but I honestly can't see anything wrong in the fact that your fiancé lied about smoking. My SIL gave up smoking of her own volition when she married my db, but years later when I was living near them she would come and smoke with me without telling my db. She said that if she told my db she would start to feel ok smoking more and around the house.

Your fiancé gave up smoking around you and kept up a lie that helped you to stay off smoking during your pregnancy and beyond.

[WispyWindy]

I lie. I tell people what I think they want to hear. It's a deep-rooted compulsion and linked to not liking any sort of fuss and lack of self esteem. I am in therapy. I can easily imagine lying (and have done!) about being home late, what i've eaten, and bad habits. Your partner doesn't sound like a bad person but he needs to get help to stop. Be aware the lying will not be making him happy. Good luck.

[forumdonkey]

Nope, he has the perfect parents. A vicar and his kindly wife. No addiction, no trouble; he had a childhood to be envied. 😕

Maybe that is where the problem stem from, 'perfect parents' and the pressure to be perfect himself as a child?

[StumblyMonkey]

Okay...I will confess and say that in my relationship I'm the one that lies.

I tell lies on a relatively frequent basis....about why I'm not going into work, why I'm late, what I've eaten during the day, why I forgot someone's birthday card, etc.

However this kind of low level stuff is the extent of my lying...I don't actually lie about anything important or do anything that I would need to lie about so in your DP's defence this behaviour doesn't mean there is necessarily anything more to it.

Why do I lie?

I guess it comes from a strict childhood where I was forbidden from doing a lot of things and would get into trouble for even minor accidents.

For example I once accidentally knocked over the sugar and DM shouted a lot. It makes you get into the habit of covering up anything you do that isn't perfect (being late for work, eating junk food, etc).

[Frankelly66]

I actually just think he just tries to avoid arguments. Lying is easier than dealing with conflict. If he was lying about catching up with women etc I'd be worried but smoking I wouldn't. I know lots of men who secretly smoke.

[Sunshinemomma3]

You guys have helped a lot, thank you . Headergarbled. I'm not proud of going through his bag but like I say it was a split second thing because I was there and wanted the truth.

My first husband was a pedophile and I discovered child pornography accidently on his computer so it's very very difficult for me to shake the feeling of someone having something to hide.

It's interesting that you mention controlling behaviour because I'm not controlling at all, I'm a bit of a happy hippy tbh but I know that his ex lied a lot and would get very aggressive if she didn't get her own way so maybe he's carried that learned behaviour forward.

Thanks again everyone you've really helped bring some clarity to the situation. I knew you smart cookies were the right people to consult! Xxx

[Dontsayyouloveme]

PM'd you OP x