Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't know what to do

(10 Posts)
user59863215478 Thu 19-Jan-17 10:41:54

This morning, DS (age 4) refused to go downstairs with my partner (his father) when I asked him why he told me its because Daddy shakes him and hurts him and shouts at him.

I have never seen this behaviour in my partner and it has come out of the blue.

I honestly have no idea what to do now. DS has a bit of form of telling big stories. Examples, today xyz hit me at school, zwq said this, tqy pushed me over. Everytime I have checked at school and they insist nothing has happened, but as a guide, I have started keeping notes on what he is saying.

Having said that, I am also aware these things could be happening and the teacher might not of seen.

Sorry I don't want to drip feed.

I honestly don't know what to do regarding my partner. I haven't been able to talk to him about it as he had to go to work, before I got a chance. I don't want to not do anything because if it is true, than I need to deal with it, but what do I do in the meantime. DS didn't say anything else, I haven't noticed a change in behaviour regarding his dad, or in himself, he is a bright, lovely little boy.

I also don't want to be one of those people who turn a blind eye to anything going on, but I have thought long and hard and I can't think of any examples which has waved a red flag at me.

I want my son to see that I am doing something about what he has told me.

Please any advice would be welcome.

fallenempires Thu 19-Jan-17 10:47:25

You'll just have to speak with your DP when he gets in later.The incidents at school aren't unusual at that age but if you think that your DS is being bullied then you need to speak with his teacher.

user59863215478 Thu 19-Jan-17 10:50:37


I am regularly speaking to the teachers regarding it, the most recent being last week.

I will be speaking to my partner, but I honestly don't know where to go from here.

ThinkPinkStink Thu 19-Jan-17 11:08:26

What a quandary, I really feel for you - I imagine if DD said similar about DH (her father) I wouldn't even know where to begin.

When it comes to these types of things I always tend to err on the side of the reporter as the risk of not taking a report seriously is much greater than the risk of offending someone who has done nothing wrong by asking them about it.

Firstly I'd separate the school and home incidences in my head - even if one is untrue it doesn't mean the other is.

I think the greater risk is that DP really is hurting DS. My first steps would be:

Get as much info from DS as possible, bearing in mind kids are unreliable witnesses (esp when it comes to when when something happened). So it's worth asking DS a couple of times (maybe in different ways) what happened to try to get a picture of how he remembers things. This might also give you insight into whether he's embellishing.

In a healthy relationship I'd expect you to talk to your DP about it - I would absolutely expect my DH to talk to me about it if DD was reporting that'd I'd done similar. Is there any reason you're hesitant to ask DP about it quite openly ('Oh DS said something strange earlier, he said.....etc.')?

If DD said the same about DH I'd be absolutely shocked, really really surprised as it'd be so out of character for him - when DS told you, was there a tiny weeny part of your brain that immediately believed him?

fallenempires Thu 19-Jan-17 11:12:15

Another possibility is that he may have heard something from another child who is quite possibly being abused.

user59863215478 Thu 19-Jan-17 11:23:52

Think I wouldn't say I was hesitant, more I just honestly don't know what to do. I think I was more shocked, I honestly don't think DP has an aggresive bone in his body. I was also a little shocked at my own immediate thought that DS was lying, which repulsed (not sure if that is the right word) me

I am also in the world of if I had seen this happen, DP would of been right out the door and I am wondering if my reaction of not doing that straight away is the right thing. Does that even make sense?

The reason why I connect the school and what DS has said, is that he has said something that has been proved to be untrue. E,G Kevin pushed me in the school, turned out Kevin was off sick that day, but as you say just because one thing is not true doesn't mean other things are not.

When I collect him and get him home, I will ask him a few more questions, thank you

Fallen I must admit that it had crossed my mind, but then leads to a whole other wwyd thread.

fallenempires Thu 19-Jan-17 12:04:37

It's a horrible situation to be in.FWIW one of mine had quite an imagination when primary school aged & would come out with similar types of things.I was even approached by the head once but thankfully they believed me.

user59863215478 Thu 19-Jan-17 13:22:56

Thank you fallen he does have an active imagination, he also picks things up at school, which is only natural.

I will be chatting to both DS and DP and trying to find an answer, hopefully it will all work out.

Laylajoh Thu 19-Jan-17 13:28:13

Honestly, I think it was a made up story. If you say there is no change in behaviour, then there is surely no problem. Try to see for yourself how the child acts towards your partner - I am positive that if there is any such issue, they wouldn't feel comfortable around them at all.

user59863215478 Thu 19-Jan-17 14:10:07

Thank you Laylajoh

If it is, then I won't deny it would be a relief, and that would be something I would have to deal with DS, but also, trying to keep in mind that I want him to talk to me and tell me things but those sort of stories are not nice/wrong.

I haven't noticed anything different, and I have been thinking about it all day now. Due to the way shifts have landed this week, the only day DP has gotten up with DS was yesterday. If DP was shouting, I am sure it would of disturbed me. As it is I can hear the normal can you get dressed for school 50 times over, so anything as unusual as DP shouting, I am sure would of made me bolt down the stairs. To be honest, I can't remember who got up when last week, but there is very little difference in DS getting up/one of us being up to everyone being up

As someone else has said though, at the moment, I would rather offend DP then disbelieve DS

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: