Hi everyone
I posted last weekend about my dh who I have decided to separate. we have been together 20'years and married for 12, 2 dc (ds 10 and dd4).
We split up for around 1.5 years when my ds was around 4 and I decided to give it another go when my ds was 5ish. I believed the lies that he totally accepted the situation and how to make me happy so I took the plunge again.
We have never really been that happy since we got back together but in all honesty I felt a bit trapped, embarrassed and like I didn't have much choice so I threw myself into trying to make it work/accepting more than I should and letting far too much go.
He is a miserable fucker, sucks the joy from every single thing we do (always ends in an argument, or if the dc are with us it will end in one of them pissing him off, I will step in and defend them and and it will be ruined), he calls me names constantly whether or not the kids are there, he drinks to excess, he is very aggressive in his manner and if we have a disagreement he will shout me down, point in my face and not allow me to speak whilst still demanding that I answer him. I have been looking at the freedom project online and whilst some of it is extreme and doesn't fit his behaviour, he definitely fits the general abuser profile. He is most definitely a bully, he has also started accusing me of infidelity. He makes excuses about how he is stressed with work and loves playing the victim and he never ever admits that he is wrong or takes any responsibility for his behaviour. He knows how much I hate the kids hearing or being involved in arguments so he purposely involves them and then forces me to retaliate by saying something in front of them that undermines my connection with them so that I have to challenge him for fear that they will think what he is saying is true. He is not physically violent but has been in the past (pre kids) but I still don't 100% trust him and the fear remains that he will lash out one day.
I have been having counselling for the last 6 months as I was so confused and this has really opened my eyes to his behaviour and the reasons he behaves the way he does.
Anyway - last weekend he called my son a name that he calls me very often (in front of them) he was standing over ds while he was putting his shoes on and the intimidating way that he delivered this insult (first time he has ever actually called him something) was filled with the same contempt and agression with which he says it to me. I saw red and demanded he apologise (I wanted my ds to see me support him). He did not apologise, initially lied, then backtracked, then tried to persuade me that he didn't mean it like that etc, but I am done with the marriage now and I need to get him away from me and our kids. I realise that the kids will have access to him but not living with this should improve their lives generally massively.
Since I have made it clear that wE are over and I have started to make plans, I have been to the bank and they will lend me the money for the mortgage on my own. He initially said that he wanted half the equity in the house so this was included in the banks offer to me. Once he found this out the atmosphere in the house has been horrific (not in front of kids) he has threatened me, called me every single name, called me a shit mother (calls me that anyway) bullied me, slammed about, snarled at me shouted and threatened to tell our son to hurt me. I am just riding this out at the moment, I am certain that super dad phase will be upon us shortly not that he will keep it up for too long no doubt.
The bottom line is that the offer from the bank lasts for 90 days and then expires. He has changed his mind several times about whether he will leave, then said he will force me to leave and not take the kids, he will not leave at all and so this morning I have given him an ultimatum, he has until 1st April to accept my offer of the money and make plans to leave or I will start divorce proceedings. I was hoping to get him out of the house before that as I thought he would probably be more flexible if I don't present him with divorce papers stating his abusive behaviour while he still has something over me.
I also want things to settle down for our son as he is aware of my feelings about my dh behaviour and what he called him and I want that to blow over so that he doesn't think we are splitting up because of him. Does that make sense? Sorry for the long post. I have been lurking on here a while.
Sending everyone going through similar virtual support :-)
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Am I handling this ok?
8 replies
Secretlife0fbees · 19/01/2017 10:25
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