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Would you have the same instinct as me about this?

(67 Posts)
lottieandmia Thu 19-Jan-17 02:51:55

I met a man on a dating site about 2.5 years ago. At first he wasn't very upfront about his intentions but at that time I wasn't really interested in a relationship myself. He started being quite rude though and saying he would only ever be interested in me for sex. I felt his approach was arrogant. He also told me a number of times that he doesn't like children and I have three so I felt there was little point in carrying on seeing him. I distanced myself from him. I had concerns that he may be a narcissist (captivatingly charming on first date)

Since then, however he has been trying to get back into my good books continually. Trying to arrange to meet up etc. We initially had similar interests and good conversations. I told him his behaviour initially had put me off. I am not sure if I could even like him again the way I did. I also told him I want a real relationship now and I do not want anything casual. He told me he has changed his mind, he does think he may be able to have a future with me. Apparently he also does like children hmm

I think it seems likely he's just hoping to wear me down because what he wants is for me to be like I was at that one point (having come out of a stressful relationship) 2 and a half years ago. During a conversation he seemed to be hinting that he wanted to try to have a relationship with me but did not seem able to actually say the words. For example, 'yes I want to see if we can try something ser...'

Given that he's 36 years old and behaves like this i am suspicious of his intentions. He also said 'but nobody can be 100% certain that a relationship would work out' that surely isn't the point.

Once I've been turned off someone it's rare for me to go back and change my feelings really. My instinct is that he intends to try to manipulate me into the situation he felt he was in control of before (i.e. Try to just use me essentially). And he was put out that I abruptly started dating someone else. It did not turn out the way he expected.

lightcola Thu 19-Jan-17 03:10:34

He sounds like an arse. Move on.

Giraffeseyelashes Thu 19-Jan-17 03:13:50

It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that you could have a future with someone you don't even like. Why on earth would you even go there? For real, can you answer that question? He's little more than a stranger to you really, you absolutely do not have to entertain him for a second, let alone please him.

user1484226561 Thu 19-Jan-17 03:15:44

why are you even considering responding? It sounds like he is flattering you and you are enjoying the attention. Why not just ignore him, you don't have any real reason to get involved.

Ps being "captively charming" on a first date does not indict that someone is a narcissist It does indicate that you are responsive to being "captively charmed" . It says nothing about him, and bucket loads about you

876TaylorMade Thu 19-Jan-17 03:37:01

He's wearing you down ... as soon as he's in your good books he'll sleep with you and leave.

Move on with your life!

Manumission Thu 19-Jan-17 03:41:56

Well what is your instinct?

My instinct would have cut contact long ago, I suspect.

HermioneWoozle Thu 19-Jan-17 03:56:47

Block him.

KanyePest Thu 19-Jan-17 03:58:28

Yeah... he sounds mega slimey. Block the slimeball and move on.

TheMysteriousJackelope Thu 19-Jan-17 04:08:58

My instinct would be to kick him to the curb and try and find someone who is open to a serious relationship, likes children, and doesn't play mind games. This man sound exhausting and not much fun.

UnexplainedOnHerCollar Thu 19-Jan-17 04:18:06

Yes my instinct would be he did not suddenly become nice and mature and ready for a relationship. He was put out because despite his initial charm offensive, you rejected him, he can't handle that so he will badger you until he gets you where he wants you - thinking he's wonderful and letting him push down your boundaries.

You're continuing to engage with him (maybe out of not wanting to be rude, or giving him the benefit of the doubt) and that's giving him the green light to keep pestering you - I'd cut him out completely, in a calm, polite way and he will look elsewhere.

You don't owe him anything just because he's pursuing you. Get rid.

Italiangreyhound Thu 19-Jan-17 04:19:52

There are millions of men in this world, OK, not in your town, but anyway. Why are you wasting time with this slippery snake who says what you want to hear....

Do you know the Jungle Book? This is what your post made me think of...

Trust in me

HalfaFishFingerAndTwoPeas Thu 19-Jan-17 04:22:25

Italian 😂😂😂

atheistmantis Thu 19-Jan-17 04:32:20

You could carpet all of Scotland with that particular red flag. He's a tosser, there is nothing for you there. Move along.

Italiangreyhound Thu 19-Jan-17 04:34:04

Half thank you wink

OP you are worth more.

hortonso147 Thu 19-Jan-17 05:18:06

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Manumission Thu 19-Jan-17 05:25:56

I am an anonymous MNer from the United Kingdom.

I would like to tell you all about a fantastic practitioner of woo called Dr M A Numission who evaporated my MIL, magically expanded my chicken and restored my norkage to its former trajectory.

Please PM me your bank details ASAP.

🙄

AnyFucker Thu 19-Jan-17 06:31:08

Why are you even still in contact with this time waster ? confused

TeenageCentaurMortificado Thu 19-Jan-17 06:33:22

manumission is a phoney.

I am from Mortifcado and totally genuine and only charge after it's done grin

Frankelly66 Thu 19-Jan-17 06:34:36

Is this a joke??

DameDeDoubtance Thu 19-Jan-17 06:38:00

Teenage and Manumission, I've pmed you with my bank derails! grin

Manumission Thu 19-Jan-17 06:41:24

grin @ "bank derails"

<casts a parking curse on teenage>

bloodymaria Thu 19-Jan-17 06:45:29

2.5 years is a ridiculous amount of time to still be hung up on this guy. Move on.

DameDeDoubtance Thu 19-Jan-17 06:50:49

Ma ha ha! I need to get glasses, or put the light on! grin

ps The chap is obviously a tosser, he has told you this, a lot. He will just end up being a tosser that you slept with and lied to you a lot.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 19-Jan-17 07:13:15

This won't make much sense after it's been deleted, but I can't help feeling the customer will shortly find themselves most in need of no 11. (Spell to recover your lost money or if you have been scammed, for latecomers who are wondering).

Anyway... basically, this man has been hurt in the ego and is determined to get you back to liking him, for whatever reason who knows and why care? Just because you dated someone for 5 minutes does not mean you owe them a relationship or even the time of day. If he respected you he could try respecting your wish not to be pestered. Only in a certain kind of irritating rom-com does giving in to this kind of pressure work out well. In real life you end up with a partner who goes on and on at you until you give in, like a toddler (of which you no doubt have plenty of experience, but toddlers are cute and most of them grow out of it). That's not a recipe for a happy partnership.

He's right that no-one can be 100% sure a relationship will work out. However, if you start from a less than 50% likelihood of it working there doesn't seem much point in flogging that particular horse. Get out there and give yourself a chance to meet a nicer man with a higher than 75% chance of a future together.

lottieandmia Thu 19-Jan-17 07:16:56

I'm not hung up on him - not in the least. In the past I blocked him numerous times and he would find ways around it. A problem in itself I imagine. He keeps saying stuff to me about how lonely and depressed he is and as I say, he's worn me down. He is saying he has changed etc. People don't change though do they. There are other people I'm far more interested in at this point but he has made me feel bad if I don't meet him.

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