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Advice needed. I hate my husband but feel trapped

(7 Posts)
Juice23 Wed 18-Jan-17 21:31:10

Hi all
I know there are some posts already written that could help me, I will get round to reading them but I need to vent. I've never wrote on anything like this before.
I hate my husband. He's a total prick. We have been together since I was 21 and I'm 30 next week. Married for 3. We have a little boy who is 1.
I'm just so unhappy. We bought our house last year on a three year fixed rate. I've told him I want to leave him but he's refusing to put the house on the market until he finds a new job (he's losing his job in April and is looking for more work over the Manchester area, which is where I would move to as this is where we are from, but moved to Yorkshire due to his work).
So I feel stuck. He is probably just going to drag his feet tbh I think he will make it difficult for me.
I can't look for a new job until he finds one.. because I can't move to Manchester until we sell up, I'm stuck here with him completely reliant on his honesty about how hard he's trying to find a job (I must point out here he's not actually losing his income in a few months he will be posted into a different role so will still have work).
I just feel like there's no end in sight and what can I do? We argue all the time, I'm miserable. We haven't had sex in about six months, he makes me feel sick. He puts me down, but very cleverly and Subtle so he can act innocent and accuse me of being a psycho when I react to his underlying subliminal digs. All.the.time.
He calls me a chav because I grew up with not a lot of money, and constantly slags off my family, bringing up all the time that my dad left my mum when I was a baby so I have 'issues'(I don't) and slagging off my mum when she is the kindest person I know and has never done anything wrong to him. he accuses me of 'destroying' our house that he will have to pay for (things like accidentally dropping acup so it chipped our floor, and using bi carb soda (with his permission) to try and get rid of a Calpol stain in the carpet but it's ruined it)
We argue about money (I work part time) and he accuses me of 'doing a job on him' coz he put more money into the deposit for the house and now I wanna leave him. He demands that I account for every penny I spend (I only spend money on food and stuff) I never ever buy clothes or anything or go out. He systematically reinforces that I'm shit with money. Can't be trusted, he's 'keeping me' with his wage etc because I'm so reckless. (I don't have any debts or credit cards but I do struggle to get out of my overdraft every month) but this is because I buy food, and there's not much left in our joint account after our outgoings.
I'm going out this weekend for my 30th- this will be the second time I've been out in 18months and all this week he has been planting the seeds of disapproval. Making me feel like I can't enjoy it, making me feel reckless for having our boy in nursery this afternoon whilst I went to town to try and find something to wear (I've never had him in nursery for this reason before it was just a one off because I'm struggling to find something to wear because I'm so overweight and look horrible). He made a comment about that too... that he's so 'surprised' I haven't been able to find anything yet and I have to waste more of HIS money on 4 additional hours of nursery just to find something. He is clever.. he won't call me fat (although he has done plenty in the past) but that's what he meant.
I dont even think I'm explaining myself properly, maybe I sound like a whining brat moaning about money and my lack of going out but it's not that. He's just horrible and I need to leave him but I can't afford to move out and rent and realistically neither can he and us still pay the mortgage
Has anyone been in this situation? I literally spend so much time crying upstairs so my son doesn't see me. I'm so relaxed when I'm not around him and confident and outgoing etc but I feel sick when I'm near him. I feel like I'm a shell of the person I used to be and when I go back to visit my family I'm like the old me, it's so relaxed and happy and normal and I know they love me for who I am, with my husband it's just horrific. I'm sorry for going on.. it is boring. I'm boring myself honestly... But I just don't know what to do I need out. I can't talk to anyone else about it my family would only worry. What can I do? Do I need to wait for him to agree to sell up? I don't think he will... not before our three year fixed rate is up. Thanks in advance for anyone who has read this

Mummamayhem Wed 18-Jan-17 21:36:23

I would go to a solicitor and get some advice regarding finances and house. I would tell him you are serious about the separation and go and stay with your mum if at all possible so you don't have to stand for it a minute longer.

Juice23 Wed 18-Jan-17 21:48:14

Thank you. I have financial commitments myself (my car etc) so I couldn't afford to be out of work so I'd need a new job in my home town. Staying with mum wouldn't be idea for me and my little lad either, we wouldn't have our own bedroom-my little brother would let us have his and he top and tailed with mum when he's not at his boyfriends) but there is a serious lack of space 😩
I'm guessing I would need to pay for a solicitor too? It just feels so hard but thank you so much for replying

jeaux90 Wed 18-Jan-17 22:14:47

Once you get out you will be amazed how strong you can be, right now you have to grit your teeth and break free.

You could get a job in Manchester and yes it would be cramped whilst you stayed at your mums and got a deposit to rent your own place for a few months, but once you sold the house things will get easier. Maybe you leaving will be the catalyst for him realising you are really done.

You don't need his permission to do anything. Remember that. I'm a single mum, I escaped an abusive relationship and my life is so so so much better.

Big hug. Be brave

Go out and enjoy your birthday. Fuck him. He doesn't control you. Make this your year to start planning the rest of your life for you and your dc xxx

Juice23 Wed 18-Jan-17 22:39:06

Thank you jeaux and well done to you for having the strength to leave! I would still have to pay half the mortgage tho wouldn't I? I just don't think I could afford to do that and rent as well? That's what is keeping me here but I think he will just delay selling it. I only work part time so don't have a lot of money and no savings... it's shit! It's just the financial side of it that complicates it and limits my options? Xxx

Juice23 Wed 18-Jan-17 22:41:23

When I sit and think about it I get so bloody angry. I think that I'll never meet anyone else to have children with either and my boy is my world but I always wanted more than one. I suppose I should be thankful for what I've got tho as my boy is just a star! X

Secretlife0fbees Thu 19-Jan-17 11:12:33

If I were you, this is what I would do. First of all take a deep breath. You don't need to sort everything out all at once I think you need some space to think.
Take your son and go and stay with your mum for a few days, just say to your dh that you need a bit of a break, don't make a big deal out of it to him. While you're there go and see a solicitor, find out all you can about your situation and what your options are, go to the CAB, find out what benefits you'd be entitled to. Then you can start making some plans for you and your ds. There is always a solution!!!
Of course he is going to try and make you feel like you can't do anything without his approval and that you're trapped with him because he wouldn't want to you have any power would he!? You're really not trapped. You have a great birthday night out and think of it as the start of your new life... just take things slow...

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