I've fucked everything up (long)

[Grublets]

I have made an absolutely massive mess of my life and have no idea how to begin sorting it out.
DH and I have been together 15 years. 3dc. He is a sahd. I think he's possibly depressed (although denies this strongly). We have had no sex life really since DS born 3 years ago. He has no real interest in doing anything as a family, nor in socialising. Makes no effort with the few friends he had (now lost them) and if I suggest socialising with my friends he will go along with it begrudgingly. He is however an excellent father in many ways. Whenever I talk to him about making changes he says he is happy.
A few months ago a man from work started paying me lots of attention. I rebuffed him several times but he was actually really relentless. Told me had fallen in love with me. Stupidly started intense, passionate affair. OM then ended things abruptly. I was devastated. My own fault, and deserved I know.
Then a few weeks later he asked me to his house. I went because I missed him massively. He felt like the only bit of happiness in my life. Started a sort of fuck buddies relationship. Nowhere near as intense as before and I'm really struggling with that. I miss him. I know that's ridiculous. And I should end things with him fast and probably end my marriage too but it all just feels impossible. I keep going round in circles as to why he would pursue me so aggressively and then just end it? How can he be satisfied with this whole fuck buddies thing? And then I don't know what to do about DH. I am all he has in his life. How could I leave him? Plus he's a sahd - would he get custody of the kids if I did?

I feel my mental health is suffering. I spend lots of time in tears. It's just a huge huge mess. And I wish I could rewind the clock and fix things. But I can't I'm stuck in it all and just feel so trapped.

[dudsville]

What an awful situation, and so many factors. I can see it's not a simple problem with a simple solution. I don't have any thing really to say. I just read your post and could feel you're suffering. Perhaps some therapy to help you tease apart the different factors of this situation and refocus your priorities would help.

[Grublets]

Thanks so much for being kind. I was expecting a flaming. And I know I thoroughly deserve one. I've never been a great believer in therapy, I don't know why. Maybe I should look into it.

[Offred]

Eesh... I feel very sorry for you as it seems you have been targetted by an exploitative man when you were feeling vulnerable.

I do think you have let everybody down by getting embroiled in an affair but what really matters is what you do to take responsibility and sort it out.

Getting some therapy really is a very good idea.

Hard as it feels OM is absolutely no good for you - he is using you for sex and future faking to get you to carry on.

You need to sort out ending your marriage - it is not pleasant for dc growing up with unhappy parents in an unhappy marriage.

You can't do anything about what has already happened but you can do something about what will happen.

H probably is depressed being a SAHP - is very difficult.

You should try to work out a plan for contact that fits around your work and means as few changes as possible for the dc routine. And be fair with the house and finances. If he has been out of work to care for the children then he's taken a hit to his earning capacity.

[Offred]

And TBH I am great believer that people should not hold onto a massive burden of crippling guilt for things they have done and can't change. Take just enough to motivate yourself to do right by h in the future.

[Offred]

Oh and by being fair I don't at all mean give him everything out of guilt.

You need to recognise his contribution and not pay him guilt money!

[thethoughtfox]

From what I have read, if he is their main carer, he is likely to get custody.

[Orlandointhewilderness]

Yes you do deserve a flaming. There is no excuse for starting an affair, nothing. Do the right thing and tell your DH. It is his choice if he wants to stay in this relationship.
FGS. Therapy. It doesn't take therapy to grasp the fact you need to stop screwing people you aren't married too.

[dudsville]

This site does flame, and if you know it well then you know it'll come, but I just think people sometimes freak out and mess up. Maybe not therapy then, but something to help focus you. What about a kind of retreat type thing? I'm not religious but something that would get you out of the complex context so you can sort out your myriad of feelings?

[ferriswheel]

Yes. Definitely ditch the other man. Definitely do that.

Your h. Can you talk things through with him? If you can't, and he has isolated himself from you, then I would say that you need to end your marriage.

You deserve a happy and fulfilling life. I have no idea where you stand legally or financially but you definitely need to expect to feel happy.

Definitely ditch the om.

[bloodyteenagers]

You need to tell your husband and deal with the consequences. If this means you have to move out then that's what happens.
It's up to you if you want to start therapy to deal with your issues.

[Grublets]

Thanks all for the advice.
And mostly the lack of flaming, I know I need to ditch the OM asap. I know. I don't even understand myself why I'm not doing it. I wasn't even interested at first ffs. And now I'm behaving abysmally for what? A good shag. Clinging to someone who doesn't want me?! It's laughable. But when I'm with him he makes me feel alive. I know I don't want him long term and I know it's unhealthy but it's like I'm addicted to the feeling he gives me. I need to get over it.
Financially me and DH splitting would be a nightmare. No money, a shit load of debt. No equity in the house. He has nowhere to go. No friends or family, if I left I would want to take the kids with me but how could I? Every time I think of it all I feel more trapped.
To the poster above who said tell DH about OM, I won't be doing that. I see no benefit to it for him, for me or for the kids. He is for all his faults not a bad man, I do not wish to destroy him.

[Offred]

It's your choice whether you tell him or not obviously but I would like to (gently) point out that what would destroy him (if anything was going to) is you having an affair not him finding out you are having an affair.

People embroiled in affairs often don't realise how obvious it is to people around them. It is slightly more likely than not that he will feel something is up and a workplace affair is hardly discrete.

Him finding out or not (he may even already know) may not be within your control and if he finds out from someone else you can then add 'liar' to 'unfaithful'.

[Grublets]

Offred you talk a lot of sense. And I do wonder if on some level he does know. But then I wonder why he doesn't care enough to raise it with me? Does he really care so little?
I know it's my actions that will destroy him not the finding out. Hence wishing I could rewind the clock. But I can't undo it. And sickeningly don't seem to have the will to let it go either.
I genuinely don't see how telling him would help anyone. Surely it would only add more problems to a marriage already filled with them?

[havalina1]

For what it's worth I don't understand people getting flamed for this.

You sound so trapped OP. Your relationship with your h is lost ... so you still love him? Is there anything left between you to salvage?

Agree why tell about the affair ... (and I'm a woman who he's been cheated on).

You need to figure out somehow, what you want from life and for your future. And then somehow you will work backwards with moves to make that happen. It might be a long term project, but you need to figure out what's going to make you feel content.

I do feel for you OP.

[ShatnersWig]

Funny how almost always on affair threads from women, other posters will often try and excuse it rather than flame with things like "don't be too hard on yourself, the OM took advantage of you, you were vulnerable".

No he didn't take advantage. That would suggest the OP was not a willing participant. She was. And after it finishes once went back again. She knew full well what she was doing.

Funnily, I've never ever seen anyone say to a man posting about an affair that he was vulnerable and the OW took advantage.

[Orlandointhewilderness]

Why would you tell him?! Because it should be HIS decision to stay in a marriage with an unfaithful partner, not yours. You have already done the destroying, now you should own up to your actions and do the right thing and tell your husband. At one point you loved him enough to marry him, why would you keep something like this from him? If you didn't want to deal with the consequences then you shouldn't have done it.
You have already said you don't have the will to end it with the OM. Then at least do the decent thing by your husband.

[Offred]

If a man posted about being unhappy, being repeatedly approached by a woman and rebuffing her before giving in when she says she loved him then being abruptly dropped and then invited round to her house I'd say the same.

Repeatedly approaching someone you work with in that way is sexual harassment. It doesn't matter what genders the people are.

[DaisyQueen]

I don't understand how a woman admitting an affair gets support and people defending the actions yet when a man cheats on his wife it is inexcusable. Cheating is never ok. You should tell your husband because he has a right to know and has a right to make a decision based on that.

[bloodyteenagers]

Double standards yet again.
A man cheats in his wife he is handed his arse on a plate, told he needs to tell her and if she wants him to leave. He has to rightly deal with the consequences of his actions.

A female does it. Oh poor you op. You was manipulated. It's fine you don't have to tell him.

You need to tell him. If he tells you to get the fuck out guess what? Yes you leave.
The children stay with him. He is their primary carer. Why should he leave because of your actions? You wasn't that concerned when you was fucking another man.

[Offred]

But in the same vein I think the op has lost some standing re making a sexual harassment complaint as she went on to have a sexual relationship with him.

Whilst it is still sexual harassment making a complaint about it would simply open up an unfortunate 'well why did you sleep with him?' can of worms...

[Offred]

Did everyone miss the sexual harassment part?!

I'm certainly not being gentle because the OP is female. I'm being gentle because quite clearly and obviously the OM was sexually harassing her!

[Offred]

Just for clarity here is the part from the OP;

A few months ago a man from work started paying me lots of attention. I rebuffed him several times but he was actually really relentless. Told me had fallen in love with me.

I don't think we have to pillory women who have been sexually harassed and exploited by men at work who are also having an affair just to prove MN doesn't hate men...

[bloodyteenagers]

Then she should have reported him rather than fucking him.
You don't start screwing people who are
Harassing you.

[Orlandointhewilderness]

She still shagged him willingly though!

[Grublets]

I agree affairs are wrong, very wrong. And I certainly never thought I would be having one. Ever. I am surprised and disgusted at myself. Flame away. But please try and offer me some advice while you do it.. I know I've fucked up massively. I know whatever state my marriage is in my behaviour is inexcusable.
I do not believe that telling him would benefit him. He has cheated on me in the past (pre marriage, pre kids) but I know how it felt. I also know that if I were to tell him (and I realise this may sound hugely presumptuous) that he would want to work on things and stay. Because he has absolutely nothing else in his life and is terrified of change. And then all our problems would become about the affair. When in reality the affair is a symptom of the problems.