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What would you advise?(9 Posts)
DD2 (22) has been with her boyfriend 3 years. Met at Uni. She graduated and moved a job near where he was planning to return to when he graduated. She loves her job (nursing in a very complex and dangerous unit) but has been very lonely. While he was still at uni she took the train to visit him every couple of weeks.
Fast forward a year..he graduated but took a job in London, and sharing a house with friends. DD2 still very lonely, and due to her shifts only seeing him every few weeks. In the last 18 months he has travelled to her flat about 4 or 5 times. Neither drive so it is a train journey each time.. basically she has done all the travelling.
He appears to adore her, but she makes all the effort. Finally in the last few months she has found friends amongst her colleagues where she works, and is finally happy where she lives. Still loves her job. But she is unhappy at the long distance relationship and that she is doing all the travelling.
He proposed a solution. She should give up her job, move to London and rent somewhere, so they can see each other more often! NOT move in with him because he doesn't know if he is ready for that and he likes living with his friends.
He feels this is a perfectly reasonable solution and can't see why she is not happy to do so.. she is putting obstacles in the way by not wanting to leave her (great) job and her new friends to move somewhere where she knows no one and he isn't prepared to live with her!
My DD2 is generally one of the most competent , level headed individuals I know and wouldn't take this shit from anyone else! But she is understandably very upset. She loves him, and is also very close to his family.
My gut feeling is that if he isn't prepared to compromise.. share the travel at the very least, the relationship is doomed anyway. He thinks he is being UNselfish and is genuinely surprised she doesn't see it his way! I also think he is an arrogant git ! (I do like him but he is.. )
I think she should break it off now.. call a break and tell him to let her know if his priorities ever chance to put her above his own convenience. I have no doubt that both will be gutted, but I also know that it might be for the best.
I would be interested in any advice for her (I have told her I would ask opinions as she is very unsure of herself)... I have mentioned the 'sunken costs' fallacy...!
Ok so I see this two ways. London is fab but I guess she isn't going to get the right position there if she is a specialist nurse. I do think living in London is something everyone should do given a chance.
That said she needs to put her career and happiness before anything else.
I think your advice is sound, break it off for a while and see how they feel.
I don't see why he should give up his dreams either by they way.
I personally think you're overinvested. She's 22.
Think it would be crazy for them to move in together.
Totally get your concern but, this really isn't your call. Can see why he wouldn't want to leave London
To the OP's daughter:
Be strong, and live where you want to live, you already moved to his plans, which he changed once already. Don't spend ten years running after him just to find out he will never want a proper grown up relationship with you.
I've been this girl. Tell her to stay put- it is so important she loves her job and has made friends. If this relationship is meant to be it will work in its current situation. She shouldn't just move down to live with him because it's what the thinks she should do- she needs to want to do it. And sounds like deep down she loves where she is- compromise doesn't mean one person bending.
It doesn't look good. He isn't prepared to compromise is he. Give up her career to date, and her home and friends, on the off-chance that the relationship will work? I wouldn't. He hasn't shown a great deal in terms of commitment so far... But it's her call. All you can do is give an opinion, then stand by. It's so much easier when they are little, and you can move then out of harm's way
"I guess she isn't going to get the right position there if she is a specialist nurse"
I think that's unlikely, there are so many centres of excellence in London that it's hard to think of something unavailable there.
He hasn't done so much of the travelling, but seems to be suggesting that if she moves, their relationship from LTR to more regular dating and I don't think it's unreasonable to see that as the next step.
But all that doesn't matter, if she doesn't want to move to London, for whatever reason (even in a share it's expensive, not everyone wants to be in a big city). And the 'sunk cost fallacy' is definitely a snare.
TheNaze... no I'm not. My kids are all..bar one, competent young adults leading their own lives. However she asked me for support, for advice and for comfort... I'm hardly going to say 'don't ask me, you're a grown up.. sort yourself out' It is absolutely her call. I've watched my kids have some bloody awful relationships and just watched it pan out, but if my daughter asks me if she is being unreasonable to not want to move (he has already stated he will not) I am going to..carefully ... say what I would do.
Incidentally he doesn't live in London itself ...on the quite-some-distance-outskirts. She could in theory move in with my brother who has just bought a flat in Zone 1 and would happily have her as lodger (he's not that much older than her , weirdly) but she still wouldn't be with her boyfriend. and he would still be living his life with her on call!
I'm all for compromise.. as a Forces wife I have done aa bit myself. But happily and willingly. I find it hard to accept however that you can claim to really love someone and yet not be prepared to even catch a train once a fortnight!
I was your daughter, too.
My advice would be this: you are happy where you are living now and you've got some good friends. You love your job. You've been unhappy and lonely for quite a while and it's fantastic that now the loneliness has gone.
You're involved with someone you love, but the problem is that you're making all the effort in the relationship. You are as important as he is. He's behaving as though you should be grateful for his attention - think about it - he wanted you to move and you did. He wanted you to visit and you did. Now he wants you to move again. Tell him that you're not prepared to do it.
At the moment you want different things. You want to live and work where you are now and he wants to live in London. It's time for a break.
Just because a relationship doesn't last, it doesn't mean it's not worthwhile. You're very young and most women your age have a few more relationships before they settle down. You could have a fantastic few years now, where you live where you want, go out with whom you want and go on holiday with friends. I think most of us on here will be jealous of you!
Tell your boyfriend you want different things and that you want to break it off. You may meet up with him in a few years' time and it could work out then, who knows? The thing is, he'll still be selfish. He'll still think the world revolves around him. By that time you probably wouldn't be interested in him.
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