Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
response to a rude message from a close friend(12 Posts)
Sorry for this long message. English is not my first language. I will really appreciate your advise/point of view. A close friend of mine has sent me a wedding invite after she sent me a rude and condescending message a few days ago. She ended FB message saying 'don't reply to my message, I am very angry right now but will be fine in some time'. After few days I received her e-Invite.
I don't know what to do. Her message was harsh, and she ended it with being the bigger person (in her head) to tell me she still consider me a friend, and will be fine in a few days ago. I am made to feel guilty without considering my side of story. BTW I have no problem in accepting my mistakes.
Just to give you background of this story. We both are from different countries, live in UK now. We have been friends for 10 years. We both supported each other in our own ways through difficult times in the past. Though many times she was insensitive and had fun at my expense with other people, e.g. making an indirect comment about me in funny way, or making a joke of my problem in a friendly way, discounting what I am saying, etc. This bothered me a bit but I never complained because I consider her a good friend. For last 2 years, I have been having problem with my own marriage. She has been very busy in her work and social life. She loves networking. We met only a few times in this period. Each time I met I was stressed because of personal issues. I found her not too interested, which I understand to some extent. My friend has a busy social life, she likes to meet new interesting people, so I understand it's not fun to be around someone in low mood. And I did try to be as positive as much as I could be during those times with her. It was usually like this - she asked me how are things. I mentioned something, she said I am overthinking. And then we changed the topic, had drinks, talked about her plans and we parted. She also had been through her share of problems in the past, each time I supported her even if meant going out of my way. So I feel a bit let down. Anyways I never complained. I have very few friends left now as I lived in different countries and I didn't want to lose her. She is not a bad person. She has gone on a one year long multi country travel. She messaged me weeks ago that she would be getting married in one of the countries she is visiting, and would like to invite me. I was quite thrilled. I told her I am very excited, and would like to be part of it. A week later, she asked me she wants to invite my sister and her husband who she met once during her travels recently (they live in one of the countries my friend visited, and gave her some local tips).
A little bit more on my background - I come from a broken family, and my sister and I do not share good relationship. My sister was too busy to call me or message me during last 2 years. Each time she called, she was impatient to listen, wanted to speak rather than listen, and made judgemental and harsh comments (sometimes sarcastic, under the breadth comments) about my personal life (on the lines of that I didn't think through before, so I am responsible/ deserve my current problems). This has happened each time we talked, so I told her to not ask me about my personal issues. My sister had been like this for many years now. She was very rude to me on my wedding day which included criticising my wedding arrangements to me on the same day. She is very friendly in public though. I am a bit tired of this kind of behaviour from her and has started maintaining a distance now. Going back to my friend, she knows my sister has hurt me many times and we are not in touch for almost a year. Despite this she decided to meet her as she likes to meet new people and do networking in foreign countries. This hurt me a bit but I didn't want to complain. One week after she mentioned her wedding plans, she sent this message that she wanted to invite my sister and her husband, and wants to know how I feel about this. Since she asked, I told my friend that I feel a bit hurt. I was very careful not to blame my friend but she replied back to me very harshly. That I don't understand the difference between planning a wedding and after-work drinks. That I never wanted to attend her wedding (which is not true at all, I told her how excited I was on). That she was too angry to see my message. She told me that my message was full of negativity and criticism. I didn't criticised her at all. On the other hand, I was so careful to not offend her and re-read my message many times before I sent. All I wanted her to understand where I am coming from.
I asked a common friend for advice, and she said wedding is once a life time event. I should have let her do whatever she wanted. I never complained once to the friend getting married or told her who to invite. I only told her how I feel when she asked me. Her wedding is in 3 months. She sent me an invite and I don't know what to do. I feel misunderstood - I still care for her. But I am hurt too. I didn't open her e-invite for days as I was a bit upset but today I clicked on link and noticed she invited only me, my husband's name is not there. She knows I am having problems but we are still together. She wanted to invite my sister with her husband, who she barely knows. Ironic thing is that my sister criticised the same friend to me. I was always there for my friend, and have always been for people close to me. I am tired of being an agreeable, flexible, and always available friend. Seems like I have taken myself for granted, and people think they can too. I also don't want to lose another relationship, I am so confused. Sorry again for this long message. Thanks for listening
If she doesn't care about how you feel it really sounds like she isn't worth keeping as a friend. Imagine attending the e wedding and she and your sister Charing away making little jokes like u mentioned at your expense. I would not put myself through that.im like you and rather than making every one happy being nice all the time can make people walk over you
They will both be happy and comfortable and u will be at the wedding feeling self conscious and hurt.i would not bother going. If you do go take to your husband for backup so u won't sit there feeling uncomfortable with no one to talk to
She's not your friend, she sounds horrible. Save your money and go on a holiday of your choice, don't bother with bitchface's wedding.
Thanks for you reply TimidLividyetagain.
I think she won't invite my sister now. I am also not worried for them making fun of me. They are not friends at all. My friend is considering moving to the country where they live. She wants to network with people in the region, so she wants to stay in touch with my sister and her husband because both of them are well connected socially and professionally there. I am like you, I try to make others happy and sometimes let them walk over me. My confusion is should I reply to my friend that I found her message very rude but since her wedding arrangements are priority, I would let this go.
She's not your friend, whatever her issues are, you don't have to accept being on receiving end of them. This is who she is and appears to have always been, she's rude, condescending etc because she's not very nice and you let her get away with it.
A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
What Isetan said. I wouldn't tolerate someone (a so called friend nonetheless) treating me this way. She is selfish and cares little of your needs. I'd just end the friendship there, perhaps with a short and blunt message telling her why and that I won't be going to the wedding.
If you are going to the wedding let it go. As if u say it was rude may make it awkward at the wedding. But if you have had enough of being treated like this tell her,but it may ruin any friendship. As she is used to you being nice it might come as shock to be told about herself
Hello everyone. Thanks so much for your suggestions. I really appreciate your help. I will tell her that I find her message rude. I feel any relationship requires efforts from both side. I feel more confident now. Thanks a lot
I know she is your friend, but I frankly don't like or trust people who network. A friend of mine fell foul of American networkers when she moved to a fashionable Mexican town. They loved her and couldn't do enough for her until they found out that they had misunderstood her importance and then they dropped her like a hot brick.
This sounds like a one way street more than it does a friendship. She is all take, and as long as what you say is what she wants to hear she is OK with you. But if you dare have a different opinion, or one that is inconvenient for her, she gets angry at you and then patronisingly "forgives" you. She doesn't sound like she cares about you, or your life. She just wants you to endorse hers.
I suspect that she enjoys "networking and meeting new interesting people" because she burns through friends very quickly, when they spot that it's always about her.
Just let the friendship wither away and devote your time to more rewarding people.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.