Never thought I'd be writing on MumsNet, but thought perhaps I should get some sound advice from a completely different angle.
OH & I have been together for three years (two of these living together). It's not been all roses. All couples have arguments, I fully get that.
just over a year ago OH found out I had been sexting (yes yes yes, I'm an arse, I really do regret being a dick) after memorising the PIN on my phone. We decided to patch things up. I cut all contact with said sextee. Just before Christmas I spotted he had the dating/'hook up' app Grindr on his phone. Assured me it was nothing, was just looking in the are to 'see who was around' and promptly showed me it being uninstalled... Only he reinstalled it. I did suspect as he was being precious of his phone. Saw the profile and knew it was him and the wording was pretty explicit.
Early last year we were in the process of buying a place together until OH lost their job halfway through the buying process, forcing us to withdraw. Obviously OH was very low and felt it was their fault as they 'agreed with their employer' that they should leave (i.e. leave or we fire you). I'm a little more pragmatic (try to see silver linings) and reassure him that everything will be OK.
Anyway, over the last year we've had some pretty explosive rows.
The last being I was delayed 20 mins in a meeting, he was waiting to pick me up. Tried to call me, but phone was on silent. Cue silent treatment and aggressive driving all the way home. Silent treatment for the next 24hrs, followed my a sms while I'm at work detailing how disrespectful I am of his time, how vulnerable he is due to his unemployment. How I don't support him. All stuff he's said before.
Arrogant me thinks he has a warm home to live in, hot food in his belly and nice clothes on his back. He should think himself lucky, there are thousands of people much worse off.
However, sensitive me also understand how stressful it much be, being out of work. He came to the UK seeing work after studying for his ideal job, but quickly came to realise it's not fun or enjoyable and pretty stressful. Moved away from family and friends. My friends and family are all he has.
We're at loggerheads I think.I don't think it's fair that he should take all his frustrations out on me.
He thinks I should support him more, but when I ask how, I get the usual "I don't know!"
I found him a course for unemployed people and he's getting great work experience from that (a few hours a day 3 days a week). I've asked friends and colleagues if they have potential opportunities, but they all say the same thing about going to their recruitment sites. He seems to think that mates get other mates jobs. Maybe in the upper echelons but of admin roles? Naah.
So, help!? Am I being a complete dick or do we both need to chill?
I really want things to work but it should be 50/50. But I dunno, the whole thing seems a little toxic.
Well. I think your relationship has all but run it's course to be honest. It happens sometimes. For your part, in under three years, you have lost interest enough in him to be sexting someone else, only stopping when he caught you. For his part, doing the same, just in a more proactive way. Little to no respect for you by giving you the silent treatment over a simple misunderstanding/complication. Refusing to try very hard at all to gain employment. Between you, explosive rows for a third of your whole relationship and you say yourself it's toxic. How much more 'supporting' can you do? I personally think it simply is not working.
For what it's worth, I think you have to take a degree of responsibility, probably above half, for your issues. You can't just stop contact with your 'sextee' and expect all to be forgotten and forgiven. The resentment from your DP may well be down in part, if not completely, to what you did to him. That said, two wrongs don't make a right, in ref to Grindr.