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Obsessive 30+ phone calls a day

(24 Posts)
Tealights Wed 18-Jan-17 13:36:53

I have had to block my on/off Long term partner and father of my 5 yr old ds.
Block him on my mobile house phone etc
He now lives several miles from me and has always been semi controlling, but being the needy person I was, i was flattered by his constant checking up on me and phone calls.
I thought it meant he cared and i was on his mind all the time which I actually took as a good thing :/
It turns out his obsession with me just grew and grew and definitely not in a positive way!
30+ phone calls a day was the average.
At his request I came off social media etc.
And then one day it was like the smoke had lifted and I could finally see this was detrimental to me and not normal or loving at all.
Since our split I have moved away and he visits his child every other weekend but it's like he pretends we are still together and it confuses me.
When I ignore phone calls and texts the language becomes abusive, threats of not paying any money, and trying to guilt me over things he has purchased through out our relationship and asking for them all back !
These are not small things like jewellrey but our loungesuit, microwave etc
I am sorry this is getting rather long but any advice on how to handle this is appreciated.
Also I have now blocked him for a few days and he has called around my family and friends saying im refusing to let him talk to his son- but I know he just wants to get me on the phone and say horrible things to me, that I am just too sensitive to hear right now..
Am I being unfair in not letting him speak to his child? The conversations have always been very uneventful he doesn't really know how to interact with our child or make him laugh or anything and son often does not want to speak to him anyway.
Seems like I can't win either way?

fc301 Wed 18-Jan-17 13:48:24

Well you definitely don't have to respond. And yes it is highly unreasonable behaviour.
Maybe just respond to texts which are about practical arrangements for your DS? That might be a useful boundary, anything else is none of his business.

RatherBeRiding Wed 18-Jan-17 13:49:54

It's not that you are refusing to let him speak to his son, but rather than you are preventing him from harassing you. And it IS harassment. 30+ phone calls a day that you don't want is harassment!

If you view it that way you will see that you are not being unreasonable. If speaking to his son is that important to him he won't behave like an arse to you to the point that you have to block him for your own sanity.

If he wants to call round family and friends - let him. He's trying to control you and use the emotional blackmail of "but I want to speak to my son and you won't let me" to get his own way. He has contact with his son on a regular basis, so I'd not worry about the phone calls in the meantime.

Bauble16 Wed 18-Jan-17 13:52:23

You need to get an order in place to protect your privacy. This man sounds unhinged!

Heirhelp Wed 18-Jan-17 13:52:53

What happens when he has your son? This should not happen with you and at your house.

Gardencentregroupie Wed 18-Jan-17 13:53:09

Buy a mega cheap mobile and sim.

Send one text saying "this phone will be switched on at 6pm for you to call DC. You are not to communicate with me at any other time in any other way except via solicitors."

Block from all other forms of contact.

Call police if harassment continues.

Gardencentregroupie Wed 18-Jan-17 13:54:01

Harassment includes via third parties. Also get a good solicitor so you can get contact orders etc drawn up.

xStefx Wed 18-Jan-17 13:54:56

You are doing the right thing OP, im so glad that cloud lifted for you.

Explain to him, that you will only respond by txt from now on, and only if its regarding DS- anything else will be ignored. You can also have DS call him but advise you will not come to the fone at all, ever! EVER!

Soon he will realise your not kidding, you have woken up and hopefully focus his weird attention on some other poor unsuspecting girl.

xStefx Wed 18-Jan-17 13:56:03

OOH I love what gardencentre's saying, brill advice :-)

Tealights Wed 18-Jan-17 14:13:31

Thanks all!
Yes could be a good idea to maybe even buy my son a cheap phone just for his dad to call him.
The only problem I foresee there is when he has spoken to ds he says "what is your mum doing" "put mummy on the phone" and obviously I can't explain to ds that I don't want to talk to daddy or why.
I have said many many times not to do this.
He has asked our child in the past "has mummy had any friends round" etc
Totally inappropriate I know so I just make light of it in front of ds.
Also although he sometimes collects ds on his weekend a few times lately he has shown up with a duvet and a pillow and said he has to stay as he doesn't want to drive ds on the motorway and he is too tired to travel after work and so for son's sake I have to accommodate him!
Where I then tread on eggshells and keep reminding him he is here to see our child not to bombard me with questions and then I have try to stay out of the house as much as possible.
It is hard because I can't very well turn him away and make ds cry.
But I know this is bizarre and prevents me having any child free time as I usually end up doing meals, bath bed etc when he is here and is 'too tired' to do it.
The obsessive part is too much he has even walked in on me in the bath to ask if I am seeing other men where I have had to usher him out and remind him he can't do things like that anymore :/

Gardencentregroupie Wed 18-Jan-17 14:18:04

You don't have to talk to him. If your son hands the phone to you, you hang up. If your ex comes to pick up your DS, he waits in the car outside. He does not come in. Your son will be fine, consistent boundaries are good. If your ex tries to force his way in, call police immediately.

Flanderspigeonmurderer Wed 18-Jan-17 14:20:11

Jesus Christ, no more collections or drop offs to your house. Meet at a point between the two of you. Even better get a friend or relative of yours to go. Tell him you will communicate via email only while he continues to harass you.

BToperator Wed 18-Jan-17 14:24:03

I agree with everything Gardencentregroupie has said. He has no right to know anything about your life now. You need to be firm about your boundaries, and if he can't respect that, call the police. I would also keep a record of every time he contacts you, so that if you do need to report it as harassment in the future you have a record of what he did and when.

Clutterbugsmum Wed 18-Jan-17 14:26:07

Also although he sometimes collects ds on his weekend a few times lately he has shown up with a duvet and a pillow and said he has to stay as he doesn't want to drive ds on the motorway and he is too tired to travel after work and so for son's sake I have to accommodate him! no you don't.

Tell him to find a friend to stay with or book a hotel for the night.

The longer you do what your Ex wants the longer he will continue to do it.

He obviously has previous for behaving like this as you describe him as on/off rather then your EX. He know as longer he behaves like this yo will take him back.

You need to decide that if you are a couple or not, if not then you need to make it very clear that he can not call you 30+ times a day, he can not just turn up and demand to stay. He has your DC then he has him else where.

pallasathena Wed 18-Jan-17 14:30:04

You have got to take control! The situation is completely unhinged. Who told you that you have to do what you're told with this idiot? And what's with all the guilt tripping?
You come over as horrifically passive, totally lacking in healthy boundaries and totally accepting of being treated very, very badly indeed. Its almost as if you think that's what you deserve.... and its very, very painful to read that you think so very little of yourself and your rights.
But all is not lost o/p because once you get assertive - do some assertiveness training, do the Freedom Programme, read up on toxic people and abusive relationships, you will see the light and hopefully, make a start to change things for the better.
Begin with getting a restraining order on your ex and putting into place some healthy boundaries. You and your child should not be living like this. Its a very serious form of not only abuse and coercive control (which is illegal incidentally) but its also a very serious example of mental cruelty that he's inflicting on you both and who knows the damage its doing to your poor child.

Tealights Wed 18-Jan-17 14:37:28

Thank you that's both good advice.
I do have a problem implementing boundaries as I still a little bit feel sorry for him.
In the early days I sort of permitted all the phone calls and attention as it was in such contrast to what I had experienced before and I thought wow this guy is really into me. What an idiot I was!
Over the years the phone calls became less of how are you? but more - where are you ?what are you doing, who are you with?
I think it must have became his norm to call so many times and I worry about his mental health. I just can't even believe it's come to this.
He does love and provide for our child but even that too is almost obsessively for example ds will mention a programme he likes the next day he has the toys bedcovers curtains figures etc delivered to our house.
I would never call the police on him as I would never want ds confused or seeing his father in a bad light.
I grew up with a rubbish father and my mother never sheltering me from any detail of their marital problems and so I try to hide this from ds completely.
I get this sinking feeling whenever I think about it. I will tell him to stay in the car for collections and see how that goes.

PyongyangKipperbang Wed 18-Jan-17 14:44:09

I grew up with a rubbish father and my mother never sheltering me from any detail of their marital problems and so I try to hide this from ds completely.

I can understand your reasoning but sadly without dealing with this adequately, your son will not be protected from it. As he gets older his dad will question and push and interrogate so that his visits are more about his dad and you than about spending time together.

He needs it making clear that this is unacceptable, and he isnt going to listen to you so it needs to be from someone official. If you can afford it then a solicitors letter would be a good start but if he doesnt pack it in then you really do need to involve the police. Hopefully all he needs is a warning, but bear in mind that without a proper slap on the wrist, this will not stop.

In his eyes your feelings and thoughts are of no consequence so he will disregard anything you say. The staying over thing is a case in point, he doesnt care how it makes you feel as long as he is in control and overseeing everything you do.

xStefx Wed 18-Jan-17 14:46:14

If he tried to get you on the fone nicely say to your dc " Mumms a teeny bit busy a minute ill call daddy back later" then don't xxx

MiscellaneousAssortment Wed 18-Jan-17 15:08:59

Yes garden has the right idea. Give clear and simple statements of how he can talk to his son whilst refusing to accept the harassment as a part of it.

Also means everything is written down electronically so provides you with a trail of evidence of needed. Take screenshots and records of how many calls you're getting too.

Then you have a record of it all if you decide to get a restraining order or involve police if his harassment carries on.

Poor you flowers

Tealights Wed 18-Jan-17 16:14:50

Thank you for your comments. Reading back I suppose I do sound a little too passive and am perhaps not being as clear cut as I need to be.
I have never known such an obsessive personality type before though and it does seem to be getting worse and worse. E.g.. asking the same question repeatedly in brief conversation. Even when answered.
I know I need to find a way to close the door on this situation and I will take screenshots and other evidence just incase I need it. I once had 112 missed calls on a weekend my son was with him so I worry about the level of attention ds gets when he is actually with him too.
I have said to him clearly there is no need to contact me when he has ds but reporting harassment seems so extreme.
I have asked him to speak to a doctor or therapist as obviously I still care about his wellbeing although I am long past any romantic feelings for him what so ever.
Alas I am the 'crazy' one and so he doesn't need help hmm

PyongyangKipperbang Wed 18-Jan-17 16:40:41

112 phone calls is extreme! Reporting him is completely sensible.

Sadly this has gone on for so long, he thinks that this is completely normal behaviour so he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that it isnt. You cannot do that.

If you still care about his wellbeing then think about it like this....you cant help him. He isnt listening to you and will never listen to you. In order to get help for this obsession, which is affecting his life as much as yours as he cant possibly move on while he is this obsessed, then outside agenices must be involved. He wont seek help himself as he doesnt think that there is a problem so you need to force the issue. As it stands the police are the only people who can help you to do that.

PaterPower Wed 18-Jan-17 16:55:44

The duvet / staying at yours thing is way off base. I drive a hell of a long way to pick up my kids - depending on traffic the whole return journey can take anything from 7 (min) to over 10 hours. I would never dream of stopping over at their Mum's (I'd rather slit my own wrists, frankly). Yes, I am dog tired afterwards, yes it's not a lot of fun, but you just get on with it. Unless he's living in Scotland and you live in Cornwall, I don't see why he can't turn around and drive your son back to his.

SmellySphinx Wed 18-Jan-17 17:11:49

I would keep him as a permanent "off" partner and that be that. He's clearly not over the relationship and him making excuses so he can stay over is totally not normal and crosses all boundaries that you clearly want in place. You NEED to tell him in no uncertain terms the relationship between you both is over and you will never rekindle what you had. That you no longer wish to be personally involved with him other than to co parent as much as possible with crystal clear, reasonable boundaries from the outset.

Tell him he only needs to contact you regarding your son, tell him not to send things to your house. If he has anything for your son then he can give them to him or have them at his place or wherever he is living.
Believe me, you need to set the bar and not let him manipulate you into anything. Once all the boundaries are in place he will try and push it and probably become annoyed with you saying you are the unreasonable one. You're not, or at least you won't be once you put perfectly normal distance between the pair of you, emotionally and physically. The more you try to appease him the more difficult you will find it to tell him "no way, enough" he needs to know you mean what you say. He will only put upon your son more as time goes on. He shouldn't be asking him what you're doing, where you are or with whom.

You can still care about his welfare but I would strongly advise to do out of concern for your mental wellbeing and his relationship with his son and vice versa.

I hope you manage to put some steps in place to control this, it sounds terribly draining and I know it's easier in some ways to "keep the peace" but if you truly want peace then do what you have to do, even if that involves the police. They won't lock him up but he does need a talking to before that becomes a possibility and he goes too far or adds to the harrassment.

BToperator Wed 18-Jan-17 21:05:55

I would never call the police on him as I would never want ds confused or seeing his father in a bad light.
That statement concerns me a bit OP. Would you rather your DS grew up thinking over 100 phone calls in a weekend was normal? I think you need to send a very clear message to your DS that his Dads behaviour is not normal, and should not be tolerated.

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