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DP's libido change.

(17 Posts)
DavidBeckhamsleftfoot Wed 18-Jan-17 10:12:40

I was wondering if anyone could offer any advice?

My partner and I are expecting our first child. Atm he is on medication for sleep issues and anxiety and this has led to a massive drop in his libido, which to be honest was on the decline anyway due to the above issues. I'm very supportive and understanding of this, and I know that until he's ready we won't be physical. I'am struggling with this, my sex drive is much higher and more so due to hormones. I would love to just be intimate together and touch each other and kiss maybe but this never seems to happen. I asked if he would feel comfortable with some sexting just to keep a spark there but he's not interested. I do understand why and don't want to push him away by making a bigger deal of this than it is, I can live without sex but I do miss having physical contact and sex was always a way we both felt comfortable expressing ourselves. Neither of us is very demonstrative with affection, we do small amounts here and there. Does anyone have any advice on how I can handle this situation sensitively and try to increase intimacy in a way that he might be comfortable with?

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot Wed 18-Jan-17 12:07:18

Bump. smile

OnionKnight Wed 18-Jan-17 12:15:19

How much house work do you do OP?

If you were a man loads of posters would have piled in by now.

I'd just try to be intimate without trying to get him in bed, hugging, kissing, gentle touching etc and hopefully over time it would spark something into life.

If not, it depends on how much you like sex.

How many months gone are you? It sounds silly but could he be worried about hurting the baby and that's on his mind too?

Blossomdeary Wed 18-Jan-17 12:15:31

There is no reason why his problems and medication should preclude touching, hugging, kissing. I guess he is worried that if he goes along with this you will be all over him like a rash! - which he probably cannot cope with at the moment. Maybe you need to make it very clear to him that this is not what will happen; suggesting the idea of sexting has probably not been helpful to him as he feels under pressure.

Just touch him, pat his arm in passing, give him a gentle kiss on the cheek so he knows that he is loved and cared for at this difficult time.

You are going to have to take a few cold showers for a while during his recovery! Good luck.

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot Wed 18-Jan-17 12:29:44

Housework is shared between us. I work part time and he works long hours on the weekend only.

I've not tried to initiate anything since we discussed the effect the medication was having and he said his libido was slowing. I'am more affectionate than him ( still not the most demonstrative) and frequently touch his arm, stroke his hand, squeeze his leg etc, all in situations where we aren't alone so it's not misconstrued as any thing more.

I'm 5 months and pretty certain he's not worried, he's explain if he was and let me reassure him.

I only suggested the sexting (didn't use that term with him) to try and keep the lines of communication open in that context. He's often more comfortable communicating difficult conversations that way. I suppose I didn't mean 'sexting' in the traditional sense, nothing very heavy, just gentle intimate talk but probably didn't make that clear to him.

OnionKnight Wed 18-Jan-17 12:41:14

I was joking with the housework comment, sorry blush

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot Wed 18-Jan-17 12:52:35

Lol Onion, I thought you probably were, but I wasn't 100% as I know it comes up a lot on MN, so thought I'd answer! grin

fallenempires Wed 18-Jan-17 13:04:08

Do feel for you,it's a vicious circle.Depression & anxiety can cause a drop in libido but then so can the AD's.Would he consider speaking to his GP & changing his meds?Sometimes it can be trial & error until you find one that suits you.

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot Wed 18-Jan-17 13:23:58

He has another appointment in a couple of weeks so I will suggest he asks, but to be fair they are helping his issues so I'd be reluctant really as it seems silly to mess with his progress for my own desires. sad

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 18-Jan-17 14:01:45

Keep any physical contact gentle and brief. He may resist touch because he's suspicious you might try and take things further. Build up trust again.

What rotten timing for you both.

Some "helpful" person may have warned him that after the first child arrives, his needs will forever come second to the baby's.

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot Wed 18-Jan-17 15:35:22

I just don't want to make him feel pressured or like he 'should perform'.

It is just really hard when he won't even touch me. sad

Maxwellthecat Wed 18-Jan-17 15:47:28

What tablets is he on David? My DH is on sertraline and they've really affected his labido. We still do lots of kissing and cuddling and I have to be very patient and just remember its not a personal rejection.
The tablets have helped him SO much in other ways and I am so proud of him that they he's made this step, but it is hard not to feel a bit sad.
Conversation is the key, make sure you're talking to him about it. Maybe have a sex ban for a while so that he doesn't feel pressured when you are touching in other ways.
Does he like massage? Maybe a head rub or a shoulder rub? You could offer to that and make it very clear there's no pressure for it to turn into anything else.
The main thing is that his mental health is getting better.

InTheMoodForLove Wed 18-Jan-17 16:08:17

are you sure OP the baby bump is not adding an extra mental obstacle to the mix? My male cousin had issues as soon as he the belly started showing as he saw his dp as motherly and couldn't reconcile with her being still a sexual being. Rationally he knew it was nonsense and there was no way to hurt the baby but he made him temporary impotent. He felt bad and confided in me so I know for certain there where no any other issue than his mind playing tricks

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot Wed 18-Jan-17 16:19:01

Max He doesn't really like anything like that, I love it, but he's never been one for stroking, massage, kissing just for the pleasure of it. That alone is quite hard but I know he's just never been comfortable being physically demonstrative. Cuddling is fine but still not done a lot. Sex was always something that broke his barriers down and allowed him to show affection. So to lose that has been quite hard. I know he doesn't mean to pull back and it's the tablets, but it's hard to remember it's them and not him rejecting me sometimes, particularly as I'm feeling a little self conscious due to the pregnancy.

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot Wed 18-Jan-17 16:27:30

Definitely certain it's not the baby, this is my fourth and I had a bump very early on, so I've never been anything but 'motherly' to him. He's not at all concerned about sex during pregnancy. It really does seem to be only due to the meds, we were fine ( albeit not as regular as we had been) up until a couple of months ago. I feel awful for even finding this hard after so little time. I've struggled a little mentally during this pregnancy and with the absence of regular physical affection I find it very hard to take his verbal reassurances that he still loves me, wants me, is excited etc hard to believe. I try not to mention when I'm feeling wobbly so as not to give him more to worry about. I'm sure it must be boring to him to keep having to try and make me feel loved.

Maxwellthecat Wed 18-Jan-17 16:46:04

david that sounds really hard. Try not to feel guilty for feeling how you do as that will make it worse.
If he's giving you verbal affection then you might have to work with that right now.
It sounds like you have a lot on and need a bit of support, do you have a friend you can vent to?

DavidBeckhamsleftfoot Wed 18-Jan-17 19:56:13

Sadly not. sad

I supppose I just find it difficult that all the affection has dried up. We had our 20 week scan at a specialist centre in London yesterday (this is considered a high risk pregnancy) and although he was verbally pleased, it wasn't an 'oh wow!' huge hug and ecstatic kisses moment. Just a tiny hug and no other contact. In normal circumstances this isn't unusual for him, but I do feel quite rejected and unwanted both physically and emotionally. I miss the sex because that was the only time he got close to me, and cuddled or kissed me.

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