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mending fences or moving on

(11 Posts)
restlessat50 Wed 18-Jan-17 00:34:41

I have been here before but really need some advise now. My OH (in my opinion) forced himself on me about 18months ago a few days after his father died (it had been a long week and I reluctantly agreed to sex)It was horrible experience and I knew deep down it was wrong (we had had this type of behaviour periodically throughout our long marriage). He has also been a gropper and I became increasingly jittery especially if we were in the house together without dc. He pulled my pj.s down once whilst I was just standing in front of mirror in our bedroom (he jokes that it was abit of fun I was quite shaken up) and has often gropped me especially in our work office (we run a business together - he again thought it fun I found it embarrassing). He also often used to comment on other female employees bottoms when in tight trousers and make leery comments about them to me after work. I have found all this behaviour increasingly creepy and after the incident 18 months told him to get out of our bedroom which he did. I asked him to move out but he refused. We are now in a limbo situation 18 months on

He is very keen to mend fences, repair our marriage, says he loves me but I am not so sure I don't find him at attractive and although I care about him I know I don't love him anymore. He is convinced we can repair everything and insisted we do couple counselling which we have done for 10 months and I haven't changed my mind but I do feel more and more brow beaten. OH says there are fences to mend and we are a great team but I am not sure anymore.

We get on well as friends and can do the family stuff but the physical I just can't do I feel very sad we are here but I just want to get on with moving forward now but he has many reasoned arguements for staying in the marriage.

I am geting more confused by the day and soon I know I will be agreeing to give it another go when deep down I know I don't want to. Friends say I must focus on me but I don't what 'me' is anymore.

Advise welcome and is this in itself a form of coercion

pallasathena Wed 18-Jan-17 07:37:56

You are under the misapprehension that you need permission to leave him and take control of your life. You don't.
What has happened is that his disrespectful and demeaning behaviour towards you has shattered your self esteem, your self confidence and your ability to make decisions for yourself.
Additionally, because of all these issues, you find it virtually impossible to assert yourself. Consequently, you are living in some sort of limbo and becoming progressively more and more unhappy.
You have to take control. You have to believe in yourself. Its your narrative that's being re-written by your husband and the longer you go along with his version of events, the more confused, dejected and despairing you will become.
Its time to get your ducks in a row, make plans, walk away from this toxic relationship but you can only do that successfully if you accept that you have value, you are important and you are deserving of a happy, stress free future. Take control, be brave. You have rights too you know.

Queenie04 Wed 18-Jan-17 07:42:11

LTB the marriage in your opinion is over, you can't stay in it just because he wants to. He is sexually abusive and emotionally abusive. Don't spend another year trapped in this bad relationship. Stop talking to him about it as that's pointless and start secretly making your own preparations to leave.

picklemepopcorn Wed 18-Jan-17 07:47:09

I'm so sorry. flowers

You are still trapped by an abuser. You know you do not want him, he is still trying to coerce you into a relationship after sexually abusing you. He still thinks he has the right to control you, your body, your attention, your personhood. He is telling you what to feel, what to do, instead of asking you what you feel, what you want.

There will be people along shortly who know about the practicalities of getting out of this. Please, please, don't stay in this trap.

Costacoffeeplease Wed 18-Jan-17 08:07:54

Why does his opinion overrule yours

You don't want to be with him, with bloody good reason, so start making plans. See a solicitor, work out the finances, and when you're ready, divorce him

Take back the power and make the decisions that will get you free of this bastard

restlessat50 Wed 18-Jan-17 09:06:27

Firstly thanks for all your responses I hear what you all say and know I have to get out but he can be v. nice and is increasingly so now he knows his back is up against the wall.

It is complicated by the fact we run a business together (which I stepped out of last year) and OH manages the financial side. He pays us on a drip drip basis throughout the month, I don't get payslps as I am a Director and on challenging this method of paying us he just says it is easier on cash flow. So for now I have gone along to keep the peace but know it will have to change when we split.

He has a greed that decisions can be made in March when our dd's birthdays both out the way (eldest turning 21) and we have received inheritance from sale of his Mother's house. I am getting frustrated by this response as he has moved goal posts several times over last year. However it maybe better to be patient but quietly make plans I have made an appt to meet a relate counsellor (I went for 8 months after the incident and found it v. helpful and confirmed what you have all said) to get myself in a strong mindset.

I know I can do it .....

Costacoffeeplease Wed 18-Jan-17 09:51:52

He can be nice now, but I bet he'd soon slip back to being a bastard

Are you sure he's totally above board with tax and NI etc? Do you have an accountant you could talk to?

picklemepopcorn Wed 18-Jan-17 17:36:30

Ok, that makes sense. Get advice from a lawyer though, because businesses and self employment leave loads of loopholes for money to move around and disappear... Could he be waiting for an opportunity to do something shifty?

restlessat50 Wed 18-Jan-17 17:57:27

No I think in terms of our business he will be fair and honest he is not that sort of person but one can never fully know until on that path and I shouldn't be naive so thanks for the advise

restlessat50 Fri 17-Mar-17 21:34:39

DD to holiday with boyfriend's family

My 15 year old DD has asked if she can go on holiday with her new boyfriend and his family in the summer. As her parents neither of us are keen we haven't met his Dad's family (Mum died a few years ago and he doesn't live with his Dad) - he would be going with his Dad, his grandparents and step sister (Dad since broke up with the girl's Mum). I have nothing against the boy (not so sure about the Dad though) but just don't think it is quite right at 15. She is v. upset, feels it is v. unfair and saying we don't trust her. Just wanted to get some other opinions. Would you let your daugther go or not

NotTheFordType Fri 17-Mar-17 21:47:44

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