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One year after marriage ended, still in despair

(37 Posts)
user1476476739 Tue 17-Jan-17 19:31:45

Hi, long story, married for 20 plus years, husband very self centred and not around a lot as worked away a lot ,
3 kids , now in late teens, hadn't really got on a lot in recent years, he wasn't much support, he weren't much support with oldest lad who's behaviour was always challenging , husband didn't really want to know,
Put me down and never showed any imticy over the years , just interested in himself
We went couple counselling about 12 years ago which really helped
I worked also ,school hours to collect the children when they were young.
Usual life, running round after kids, taking things for granted, not much communication over the years ,
Lots of arguments,
18 months ago I noticed he really was distance, didn't know a lot about the cheaters script at the time, but then one day it just clicked.
I knew he was having an affair, he denied, followed the script and I did the usual, tried to change, hysterical bonding, tried couple counselling.
He said we would get back on track, I believed him etc, then coming up to Christmas just knew he was going to go, which he did just after Christmas
He moved into a flat, I had to find out via other means about OW , horrible way to find out, he continued to deny , but eventually after confronting him he said he was in a relationship.
15 years younger than him, he is in mid 50 s, she is divorced with no children
When he left, not much time for the children who were devestated.
I lost weight, felt so so low, as if all my fault, felt didn't want to be here anymore, had counselling, antidepressants , anything to get by.
Great support from great family and friends, but one year on, can't keep boring them with my feelings,
Found mums net , started reading threads and found strength from all the lovely women who have faced this awful situation,
Followed all the amazing advice from you all, went no contact, started divorce , have moved house etc, BUT just still feel so do low, blame myself so much for the break up of marriage, that I didn't put in enough effort,
Constantly what ifs , he is now living with the OW, all loved up,
I feel so ashamed that my husband left me and so guilty even though he is the LCB ,
Just can't seem to get over this hurdle , one year on, feel as if I should be over it and getting on with it,
But still feel despair, low self esteem and it's all my fault ,
Any advice please xx

PurpleWithRed Tue 17-Jan-17 19:37:33

Have you had any counselling? It's not surprising you feel sad, but you have no reason to feel ashamed or guilty - you worked at your marriage, it didn't work out, no fault anywhere. Relate may be able to help you.

TheNaze73 Tue 17-Jan-17 19:41:33

You can't blame yourself, he obviously wasn't happy but, you are not responsible for his happiness. It's a two way street.
Good luck for your future. I hope you overcome your demons

Mermaidinthesea Tue 17-Jan-17 21:07:39

What in earth are you blaming yourself for, he sounds exactly like my ex husband to summarise....a right twat.
Be thankful you are free of his bullshit and take this opportunity to make a new life for yourself now and do what you want.
I wake up everyday thankful that he's gone.
Time to make time for you, he crushed your spirit that's why you feel bad. Time to regain your self esteem in any way you can.

Livelovebehappy Tue 17-Jan-17 21:47:24

The thing is OP that you can do absolutely nothing to change what's happened - you can cry for the next week, month, year, but it's not going to change the situation. You can only make the future what you want it to be now, not the past. I was in your situation, and I know it's so so difficult, because even though they've behaved badly and cheated, it's so hard to let go and move on. Look at the positives - your DC's are old enough to not be dependent on you, so no babysitters needed for evenings out. Lots of opportunity to spend time pampering yourself and doing what you want to do. Go to dance classes or pursue an open university course or other interest you might want to do. Pamper yourself at spas or beauty salons. Have days out with friends shopping. Evenings spent having long baths, feet up, glass of wine reading a good book. No more sulks, arguments or negativity dragging you down. This is what I did and I found I actually felt empowered and found I enjoyed my own company. You could even dip your toe into the dating scene if you feel ready, although having a man in your life isn't the be all and end all. Just focus on the things you can change OP, and not the things you can't. Big hugs.

1DAD2KIDS Tue 17-Jan-17 21:52:48

Simply I takes time. Even when you think your better sometimes dispare hits you like a thief in the night and it hurts. But it gets better. A year and half for me and I am a million miles from where I was 6 months ago. And that was a million miles from where I was a year ago. Hang in there and good look.

1DAD2KIDS Tue 17-Jan-17 21:52:56

Luck*

user1476476739 Tue 17-Jan-17 22:15:07

Oh thank you so so much, it's my first post ever and already all your wise words help so much. Thank you for your responses.
I just feel so alone at times and feel I grieve more for my future plans and dreams and the family unit we had rather than him.
Myself and him only communicate via email or solicitor now, I so wanted to keep it amicable for the sake of the children but his lies, deceit, denial and his cowardly shitty behaviour over his shame of the OW made me think no contact was the best way to deal with him
My daughter refuses to have a relationship with him due to his behaviours but again he blames me that I am stopping her from seeing him.
I just want to get some inner peace and genuinely feel happy.
I do have great friends and family , my children are amazing and are so good to me but I'm really just faking it
I feel my life is just going through the motions even though it is busy with work, social life and children , it is just my head is filled with flashbacks of finding out who OW was and whys ,what ifs and self blame.
I compare myself to the OW and at first felt such anger and hatred towards him but also her for Knowingly having an affair with a married man.
Is this the norm as it only one year on from a long marriage??
I am starting some more counselling to see if that can help move me forward
1Dad2kids , yes I know I have made so much progress in a year but just still feel so much despair and real physical pain at times .
Thanks again for all your wise words. X

1DAD2KIDS Tue 17-Jan-17 22:24:26

I just feel so alone at times and feel I grieve more for my future plans and dreams and the family unit we had rather than him.

I do have great friends and family , my children are amazing and are so good to me but I'm really just faking it

I feel my life is just going through the motions even though it is busy with work, social life and children , it is just my head is filled with flashbacks of finding out who OW was and whys ,what ifs and self blame.

Relate to all of the (replace OW with OM obviously). What I will say if you have good friends and family use them, talk to them, of load your thoughts and burdens onto them. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed just use them to off load it onto them. It will help and they will help carry you through this. In the wisdom of Bob Hoskins (and British Telecom) it's good to talk.

Vonnie2016 Tue 17-Jan-17 23:18:01

I am 18 months on and the difference from 12 months on us huge! This last six months I have just come to terms with it, and have found peace with it all.
Give yourself a little more time, like pp have said take some time to do things you enjoy.
I am.not really able to do this a lot as.my DC are.very young. (6) and (3) but I find now I really enjoy my own company and like living a drama sulky man free life, it really is nice.
You will get there, just take a bit more time get your head around it all. As people said to me, it does get better and it really does one day it will just click. flowers

springydaffs Tue 17-Jan-17 23:30:30

One year - especially after 20 years - is not long. It's early days.

what compounds the pain is the betrayal. It really is a grievous wound and will take a good while to heal.

You've 'lost' so much. I don't know if you swear and if 'he's a cunt' may help you to see, clearly, this is entirely his horrible behaviour. He was horrible all along and topped it right off at the end. Aint SHE got the prize (not).

You are SO well rid. Easy to say, I know, but you really really are. I do hope that clicks into place at some stage before too long xx

noego Tue 17-Jan-17 23:42:00

You have to stop blaming yourself. It Is not your fault. He should have sat you down, spoke to you about his feelings before he got involved with another woman. It was his duty as a married man to do this and confide in his wife.
This sort of behaviour is unacceptable from an adult man and always will be. So do not blame your self.
As for the OW. Would you like to be in a relationship with this sort of person and vice versa, would you like to now be in a relationship with someone who cheats on their wife.
Turn the page honey. Start a new chapter. Life is much better without these types of people.

user1476476739 Wed 18-Jan-17 08:06:39

Thank you so much noego, spring daffs, and vonnie2016, you all make so much sense and underneath I know all you say is true,
Noego , yes he should of sat me down to discuss his feelings.
It's the betrayal , lies and deceit that are the most painful.
I really appreciate your replies, I just need to try to keep focus send on healing and finding some inner peace.
Underneath my fake smile I feel so "wounded" by his actions.
I just have to work on my self esteem and blaming myself for the reasons our marriage failed.
I just hope the anger, pain and comparing myself to the OW subside in time.
Spring daffs , my language about him is so colourful and I am constantly swearing about his shitty behaviour 😂😂
Yes he is no prize , I would say he has been cheating on me for years , when he was away , but I trusted him and could never imagine cheating on your husband .
He had a history of cheating when I met him, I didn't know until well into our relationship ,when I had fallen for him big time.
He is a real charmer, very confident and has a mighty ego,
A real fantasist to be honest, full of bullshit most of the time,
He really didn't want an ordinary family life, he found that boring.
Yes, in reality I am well shot of him.
I just hope in time that karma has away of biting him on his arse, because so far in his life he always seems to come up smelling of roses and was always able to portray me as the mad woman with my family etc, when all I was trying to do was discipline my sons challenging behaviour and requesting support from him
Sorry for the rant , just feel so pissed off with it all 😔😔

Vonnie2016 Wed 18-Jan-17 09:35:03

I totally understand how you feel.
My son has special needs and is going through tests for Autism at the moment, and while I was trying to keep it all together for the kids, dealing with my son who can be extremely challenging at times, he was swanning off to the cinema in the week then off back to his flat for a hot bath and early night, while I was up every hour n hour with my son.
I felt so so so angry with him for just walking out on us all.
All you can do now is be kind to yourself, do some soul searching, get lost in a good book, just take time for yourself and slowly but surely you will start to feel better and then realise all this beating yourself up is only harming yourself not him.
It is easy to say when you are in the other side, but it will come. You were together a long time and no matter how shitty that person was it was still your life so it takes time to adjust, and longer than 12 months.
Possibly some counselling will help you get it all straight in your head, so you can just finally let go of it all.
It is so hard especially when you feel so utterly betrayed by someone you were with for so long.
I believe in Karma, but don't wait around for it.
It will get better, I promise you. flowers

springydaffs Wed 18-Jan-17 09:53:19

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Please DO at your earliest convenience! Is link it but on my phone. Click ' find a course ' to find a course near you. Go! It'll get your head straight in record time, I guarantee it.

Melanie Tonia Evans is good on healing from narcissistic abuse. She's a bit woo sometimes - but who cares.

noego Wed 18-Jan-17 10:47:39

You will never heal while you hold onto this resentment. For the sake of your emotional health. Let it all go, there is no-thing you can do about it now except keep yourself healthy mentally and physically. For your own sake please do it now!!
Hugs and kisses.

user1476476739 Wed 18-Jan-17 11:02:05

Thank you again
I've just sat and reread all your posts
Yes I will try and do all you say
I will try the freedom programme springydaffs
I am a very motivated person and open to any ideas to get over these hurdles
I know I have come along way in a year but at times the despair and pain can be overwhelming
I read the posts where come back and update in a year or so after the initial breakup Of their husband leaving and that gives me hope that things will improve and I will find inner peace
It's something to hold onto
I have so many positives in my life
It's just the thought of finding happiness and rebuilding your life when you hit 50 a real mountain to climb
Xx

noego Wed 18-Jan-17 11:06:39

I, like you have been betrayed. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. Breaking down at the drop of a hat. Lost 2 stone, Had a pain across my shoulders for months.
Then one day I met someone who told me I was beautiful on the inside and outside. They told me I was witty, funny, compassionate, empathetic, lovable, loyal, committed, faithful, honest, truthful, had integrity, was supportive, was approachable, was friendly, had a GSOH, and had a life.
That person was ME. The True ME and not the false identity I had portrayed all my life. Find that one within you and all your questions will be answered.

user1476476739 Wed 18-Jan-17 16:43:04

Thanks noego
That is such a lovely post
Yes I really have to start believing that I am all of them things you say and try and rebuild and stop looking backwards at the what ifs and all the crap he has caused.
How long ago was it when your husband left
I just wish there was a crystal ball to know that things will be ok in time xx

Mermaidinthesea Wed 18-Jan-17 17:52:46

i felt suicidal when my OH left after so many years together then I realised that I did not love him and hadn't for some years. It was marriage I missed, always someone to go on holiday with, someone to go down to the pub with, someone to retire with.
A bit further on down the line I've realised that I wanted all those things but I don't want them with a selfish loser like him.
I hope that both if us will be MUCH more choosy next time but for the moment take at least a year out if not two to work out who you really are and want you really want so that next time the same mistakes are not made.
We deserve decent, loyal men not the likes of our exes!!!

OverlyYappy Wed 18-Jan-17 18:03:43

I was such a mess 5 years ago. Now I do whatever I want when I want, I've dated a bit but don't really want to be with another man right now, I have 3 children 16 & 12 so they keep me busy.

I promise you it does get so much easier over time, I would also say to do the Freedom Programme, you can do it from home. Take care

MW712 Wed 18-Jan-17 18:26:48

It does actually sound like your marriage wasn't very good anyway. I would focus on that rather than the resentment towards him. If you could get past this you will probably realise that he did you a favour. He doesn't sound like much of a catch.

user1476476739 Thu 19-Jan-17 18:27:37

Thanks so much for your fab responses
Mermaidinthesea , yes I so empathise with your reply, you have summed up exactly how I feel,
Think it is the dreams for your future, the family unit, the shared memories, your shared interest in your children , holidsys etc.
Just think why why would you leave the 20 plus years of all that took to achieve and nurture and just leave causing mayhem and destruction to your wife and children as well as extended family members for a fantasy, yes those first feelings of lust and loads of sex etc are great, but eventually that all wears off
But yes your right, why would you want to share your future with a selfish twat
Did have real feelings of anger for awhile which helped me push forward to start divorce , enjoyed Christmas etc but since the new year I thought I would keep building on that but for some reason seem to feel so sad and feelings that I'm worthless and things will never get better.
Posting on here has really helped and re read all your replies again today
It's great to hear from people who have been there and know all the crappy feelings of being left and betrayed by someone who was supposed to look after and protect you and your DC .🤔🤔🤔🙄xx

noego Thu 19-Jan-17 20:30:46

Don't kid yourself OP. There will be times when he reflects on what he had with you. There will be times when he compares her with you. There will be times when he has regrets and guilt. It is never greener on the other side. I forget what the percentage is for 2nd marriages to workout. But my sister tells me that her friends that are 2nd marriage/relationships struggle sometimes. After all washing a dirty pair of underpants is still the same in every household if you get my drift.
Be very, very grateful that this woman has done you a favour and is now watching him like a hawk, just in case he gets any funny ideas about drifting again. They can be and usually turn out to be very jealous people.
You have been liberated honey. Go fill your boots and live life like it is supposed to be lived. Your sadness is just your thoughts and thoughts when you think deeply about them are unreal.

DowhatIwanttodo Thu 19-Jan-17 20:44:51

I also think it's still early days.

I can never understand how people meet someone new, marry again and have a child within a few years of a marriage breakdown.

I am five years down the line and I still feel very sad about it all. My situation was complicated and it has been difficult to move on for both of us. I think it's easier if you have no contact whatsoever.

Don't blame yourself or feel guilty in any way. You say yourself he was probably cheating for a long time.

I would give yourself more time to process it all. Also January doesn't help. I looked forward to starting afresh in the new year but of course the same feelings are there that were there in December. You think you are going to feel differently but you don't.

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