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Am I being played by a passive aggressive response?

(3 Posts)
Porffor Tue 17-Jan-17 19:20:02

It's been 15 years and I'm wishing my mum was alive again - i need a mum to hug me and tell me it'll be ok.

together 20 years this summer / married 17.

DH and I finally had a talk tonight after silent treatment from him since I told him i want to separate. My suggestion was me moving out with room for our 3DD's - nearly 18, 12 and 7. He's been their main carer while i've been in education and now working. He's now in education part time.

I really laid out everything i'm feeling for the last few years and more recently coming to a head. We had a talk at start of December and agreed to get past xmas for the girls.

Everything i said he deflected, even got fed up at hearing my feelings - feels like he doesn't want to hear me, or fix it, he just wants me to pin point one thing or just agree to go back to how we were.

He suggested he get 1 room (he has enough stuff to fill 3 at least - which is part of the problem), and I have the girls full time as he can't promise to cope with them without me here. Felt like a threat to be honest. I stated then he would have to be the one to go as i won't risk that happening to our girls - I'm encouraging shared custody but even that he said he might not be able to meet, I've sent him the 2/2/3 plan for 50/50 but suggested if he an't meet that then the one evening a week and every other weekend plan. If he has room for the girls to stay then they could and if not then they'd come home for bedtime.

i do feel now that the game is changing - passive aggressive reaction from him and forcing me into a corner of quit my job / be full time mum. I didn't want to walk away from my girls in honesty so if that's his suggestion that'll have to be how it is. I could volunteer somewhere while D3 is in school and look at alternative when she's older.

His answer was to let the dust settle and perhaps it's a solution then cheerfully kiss D3 goodnight before going to skype college stuff.

All three girls know something is going on - D1 cooked and D2 saw me crying. not ideal i know. Will talk to D1 tonight and just explain we're having problems. it's ok for them to know relationships have rocky times.

Do you think i'm being played by a passive aggressive response / threat? Diversion tactics?

fuzzywuzzy Tue 17-Jan-17 19:25:19

Can you look into getting a childminder after school for your youngest, or your eldest picking up youngest after school and all three being home together till you get home?

You don't need to give up your job just because your splitting with your h.

I do think your h sounds like he's being obstructive and trying to back you into a corner to make you feel like you can't get divorced.

Have you had any legal advice? Go to CAB or see a solicitor and talk thro how a divorce would proceed in your situation.

I don't think there's anything wrong about telling your children in age appropriate manner that your are splitting up, they need to know.

Porffor Tue 17-Jan-17 19:31:13

D1 is in college about 10 miles from D2/D3's school - we live 5 miles from schools (they're in secondary and infants). So all go in different directions. I wouldn't be able to work holidays. We live hundreds of miles from family and would sooner be at home mum than have a childminder (no judgement here just how i am - it would affect D3 way too much too). I couldn't afford that either to be honest.

I am thinking he's putting up walls and hoping to block me in - it's making me sad, but feel i need to dig deep and let him go, and maintain his own relationship with the girls from there - with support if I need to.

I have felt he's controlling in the past at times, especially about my going out / having friends etc, so am thinking this is an extension of that behaviour.

I just feel worn out tonight now emotionally but also that I don't want to be cornered into staying together or pretence.

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