Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

An alcoholic, a liar, and the father of my baby all walk into a bar and the bartender says...

(23 Posts)
jcne Tue 17-Jan-17 19:14:29

Hello

I'm new, and I need to vent about the bin fire that is my life right now... I haven't posted somewhere like this since I was a teenager smile

Ok, the background, I will try to be succinct but it is not my strongest point...

(1) I have chronic, lifelong (I anticipate) depression, much anxiety and, less so nowadays, mania. I am unmedicated. I do not drink or take drugs. I have a moderately good although somewhat unambitious job. I imagine I am somewhat hard going, objectively speaking, to live with... tbqh I would likely have left myself by now if I could.

(2) My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 1 year and he does, in all fairness to him, his best to cope with my idiosyncrasies.

(3) He has a professional, high responsibility job and is away a lot.

(4) Over the last year he and I have had a very turbulent time, A LOT of problems regarding his drinking. He either does a complete vanishing act, or is an unpleasant, verbally abusive drunk, he has no control over himself and how much he drinks and gets himself into a real mess. He also thinks nothing of getting in a car or of going to do his highly responsible job when he has 1, 2, 3, 4, more? drinks. Please note this is a job where you could kill people if you made an error, you would certainly be prosecuted if found over the limit. He attempts to conceal these incidences from me as he knows I will not hesitate to call the police if I am aware at the time of him doing it. The full extent of his drinking has been slowly revealed to me over the last 13 months. He has tried several times to give up since meeting me but has so far been unsuccessful.

(5) I am 26 weeks pregnant with our first, entirely unplanned, baby. Surprise, Mum and Dad!

My bf spent xmas day with my family and I - this was entirely his own choice, he could have gone to see his family with no drama from me. [My parents are two of the most laid back, generous, softly spoken people you could wish to meet and they and their opinion of me is the most important factor in my life]

On Xmas day, for some inexplicable reason, despite it being totally out of context with the day, my bf decided to get absolutely plastered and was rude, aggressive and embarrassing to everyone in my family. My family by and large keep their opinions of my bf to themselves because that is the kind of people they are, although they had heard anecdotally from me about the concerns I have about his drinking, he has now clearly illustrated these concerns. Suffice to say they think I have made a very poor choice and on the quiet think I should leave.

The following day he vowed to give up drinking and I have not seen him have a drink since.

Nonetheless this incident has left a massive scar on our relationship and how I feel about him, and how I do not know how I can make things better between him and my family (because really, not that anyone wants me to choose, but my family would win every time, but he is nonetheless my baby's dad). So I returned to the idea I had previously discussed with him last year after some mega rows that we go and see a counsellor. I scheduled an appointment on the first day back at work, their busiest day of the year FYI grin.

When I let bf know this he absolutely flipped his lid, having apparently forgotten that he had somewhat unenthusiastically but without protest agreed to go a few months previously. We did not speak for a day or so but eventually I got a message from him saying "ok we will give it a shot I will have an open mind blah blah".

That weekend we were at home asleep on Saturday night when his phone rung, extremely unusual.... it woke me up, I went to the loo, came back and he was not awake. So hmm, I looked at his phone (not a big deal for us but I do not habitually 'check' his phone). There was no notification. Odd? So I opened his phone and looked at his calls list. Some unknown mobile number had called so I was just about to wake him up when I saw a familiar name 2 or 3 calls further down. The name of a girl who he used to (apparently only friendly) knock about with when he was a heavy drinking and drug taking single man about town the year before he met me. They had spoken at 1am the morning following him texting me to agree to try the counsellor.

So, i'm sure you can imagine what I did next blush

Every trace of any messages from her had been deleted..... But he did mention in a thread with his best friend that he had seen her that night. No further info.

Regardless, it became apparent that he had fallen off the wagon about 3 days after he got on it - left work at 1am in the morning to go out drinking, with some girl, and then continued to drink the following day in the afternoon when he was resuming his highly responsible job that evening.

To make matters worse, when I woke him up to confront him about this he flatly denied everything...... until I pointed out that he hadn't quite managed to clear all references.. Obviously thinking he had covered his tracks so could brazenly lie to my face.... This is probably the thing that is bothering me the most.

He moved out for a few days and I have torn myself to pieces over this mess. He is back now and I am trying so hard to give him the benefit of the doubt. We are going to counselling later in the month.

The thing that scares me the most is that, if we split up, his drinking would most certainly spiral. I would no longer be of any influence, I am the sole reason for his 'improvements' so far, and I would be faced with having to hand over my baby to him for visitation. I am terrified of him being responsible for my baby whilst drinking unchecked. It was probably that reason alone, yes it really is that cynical, that I did not leave that weekend. He is also a comparatively high earner (I'm sorry I am just being realistic here) and without him I would not be able to take substantial time off work to care for my baby.

But the damage is done and all this realistic and cold hearted planning does not change the fact that I no longer trust him. Whether he has been cheating on me or not? I will never know. My heart says it was probably more about the drink...... but ..... WHY DID HE DELETE THOSE MESSAGES???? This little voice repeats and repeats in my head.

Frankly, in the bigger picture, the drinking is more of a concern anyway.

He lives on a planet quite different to the one you and I inhabit in that all his friends are similar functioning alcholic/drug addicts and his industry is teaming with them. I feel like really, he sees me as the enemy more than he sees the alcohol as the enemy. He denies this and tells me he isn't drinking...... but how can I believe him? He has ample time away from me to do as he pleases and I have no interest in the stress of having to monitor him in order to believe what he tells me.

The baby is merrily bouncing away here and all I can think of is what misery lies ahead for us all.. it's difficult to feel anything positive at all. I'm not sure if I even like him anymore.... it's gotten to the point where I am so on edge that his commonplace flaws are starting to bite too. I'm hoping I will calm down... that counselling will help.. that he means what he says when he accepts he has a drinking problem and wants to change....but at the moment I feel like I am just trudging on with him because I feel trapped by the circumstances. I wish I could sever all ties and just leave him and his drinking and his secret rendezvous to it.

To make matters worse the baby is a boy I'm not thrilled about it. It's hard to picture him as anything other than an angry little alcoholic in waiting. What should be a happy time just feels sordid and doomed.

inlectorecumbit Tue 17-Jan-17 19:37:26

Your family is right..you can do better than this.
Leave and get settled before the baby is born
He is a liar at best, a cheat, alcoholic and liar more likely.

PurpleWithRed Tue 17-Jan-17 19:43:16

Absolutely leave now, before the baby is born. Your baby has a much better chance without the constant influence of a lying alcoholic in the house. Unfortunately he will always be your baby's father, but it's too late to change that now, and you need to be looking at ways of limiting the damage.

jcne Tue 17-Jan-17 19:47:02

sad this is a very frightening prospect

PsychedelicSheep Tue 17-Jan-17 19:56:45

Don't quote me on this but I saw on here recently that if you don't register his name as father on the birth certificate it'll be much more difficult for him to have any parental responsibility.

You are 100% not responsible for controlling his drinking. In fact you're coming between him and his 'rock bottom', which maybe he does need to hit before he's ready to accept that he needs to change. With so few consequences for his appalling behaviour, where's the incentive?

I can't see him being able to be anywhere near a good enough partner and father to you and your son unless something radically changes.

jcne Tue 17-Jan-17 20:04:30

Yes I believe this is correct (I have been googling extensively what might happen if I just up and disappear without a trace). It's not foolproof as the birth certificate can be changed but it is something... I am certainly more worried about having to hand the baby over to an out of control person than I am about his money.

It's hard because when he's sober he is kind and generous and we are very happy. But I can't rely on him. And you are absolutely right about keeping him off rock bottom. He claims he had an ~epiphany~ whilst out of our house last week but I'm afraid I just don't buy it...

ToffeeForEveryone Tue 17-Jan-17 20:06:07

flowers It is a frightening prospect.

Can you move back with your parents for a bit, until baby is a few months at least? Or get a place of your own nearby?

Pettywoman Tue 17-Jan-17 20:06:13

Leave him, go to your parents if you have to. For goodness sake don't put him on the birth certificate. He's not going to get better and he's already telling lies, seeing other women and being abusive. You can't put up with that.

exWifebeginsat40 Tue 17-Jan-17 20:13:24

you have been together just over a year. why do you think any of his behaviour is ok?

i get that you are pregnant. but honestly, ditch all the drama. best of
luck, genuinely. you are worth more than this.

exWifebeginsat40 Tue 17-Jan-17 20:15:12

and if he is risking people's lives at work, contact his professional body. none of this is ok.

Bluetrews25 Tue 17-Jan-17 20:17:20

How do you know he is sober? Just because you haven't seen him drink, does not mean he is sober.
You will be looking around you anxiously all the time if you stay with him.
You may find you feel tons better if you get away.
Protect your baby.
Protect your future.
This is so hard for you. Good luck, OP.

OutnumberedbyFurchesters Tue 17-Jan-17 20:18:41

flowers

Leave.

If you're frightened of "having to hand the baby over" when you fear the baby will come to harm with him, why are you allowing him to stay, live with you both. The harm he can do is not lessened by this, it is heightened.

Leave. Go to your parents, from what you said i can't imagine they'll turn you away. Don't put him on the birth certificate. You have around 14 weeks to get sorted, settled, and away before the baby arrives. Leave before he arrives, remove the influence and the risk you'll feel more trapped by then.
In my experience he'll be great, loving caring all the good bits... til you're down and vunerable then he'll take advantage. He doesn't sound like he wants to work for your relationship.

Please don't stay. Look after you and your baby, something my mum said to me... it's not just about you now, if you can't do it for you, do it for the baby. Good luck.

Rainbowqueeen Tue 17-Jan-17 20:20:19

If you are apart your life will be much more peaceful. He will still have to contribute financially to your baby. You will have the opportunity to meet the man you deserve.

Make the move now. Then you can focus on what is really important, you and your baby. I wish you all the best

jcne Tue 17-Jan-17 21:56:44

I'm worried that me on my own isn't the best thing for the baby either.. i get very depressed. i struggle to leave the house often. when i was single even with the best will in the world and plenty of opportunity I was no strong example of a single independent woman... i wish i was... and I've tried everything the nhs will throw at me. being poor and lonely will only make my isolation worse. my bf has appealing and important qualities aside from his indiscretions.

SoTheySentMeA Tue 17-Jan-17 22:28:29

You've been together a year and its already this bad. Run like the wind OP! Protect your child from the train wreck of a man. He hasnt given up his old lifestyle, he's just dragging you down with him!

mainlywingingit Tue 17-Jan-17 22:46:42

Having a baby is often hard - could you move back in with parents ? You can tell him you are separating but if he joins AA of his own accord (it has to be really for any chance of success) and can do 6 months with a view to ongoing - then you can live together again as a family. If he can't do that for his new family unit then HE NEVER WILL and you will know the answer without any horrific drama, which trust me
With a new baby you don't need.

Log his previous behaviour as if you do want to make Social services aware he will not
Be allowed time with your baby or at least if will be closely monitored.

He may have some nice sober qualities but this is not enough and it WILL damage your son. Good luck

jcne Wed 18-Jan-17 12:35:20

At this point he is swearing he has given up drinking, had his epiphany etc. I am not a very trusting person, am exhausted by anxiety and I'm not going to calm down about it til i've most likely made an awful fool of myself snooping about and totally invading his privacy. I want him to sort this out and for us all to be together but I only see negative things right now...

OnionKnight Wed 18-Jan-17 12:47:01

You need to get rid of him, it's going to get worse not better.

ImperialBlether Wed 18-Jan-17 12:53:31

I think it goes without saying that you should get rid of an alcoholic lying cheat.

I wondered why you weren't taking any medication, OP? It seems such a struggle to deal with life normally, but with your additional problems I would have thought medication would really help you.

Could you get somewhere to live near to your parents, so that they can help keep an eye on you and your baby?

I would be looking at contact in a contact centre; I certainly wouldn't let him have the baby on his own.

jcne Wed 18-Jan-17 12:59:32

I have tried loads of meds over the years. mindfulness, yoga, counselling, crazy diets. haven't found the thing yet.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Wed 18-Jan-17 13:14:32

If you're capable of staying employed then your MH can't be that bad. Don't put yourself down.

Don't have a baby while living with a drinking alcoholic. Leave him. You are looking at nothing but misery. Let him knock himself out proving he has stopped drinking and then, maybe, reconsider.

It's not you that needs to change. It's him.

OutnumberedbyFurchesters Wed 18-Jan-17 15:18:43

You on your own, doing your best for your child, with support from as many people as possible who are going to make your life better, is so much better than staying with an alcoholic liar who can only make yours and your babys life worse with lies, anger and running you down.

He beeds to prove himself to be good enough. So far all he's done is the opposite. I wouldnt let him near the baby.

Butterfly2020 Wed 18-Jan-17 15:42:17

Jcne, I usually only lurk on these threads but had to post on yours...

Leave this man immediately. Seriously, run for the hills. A year into the relationship, and this is what it's like. He is not going to just miraculously change into the man you want him to be. The drinking and driving, smacks of chronic irresponsibility and you have no time for someone like that in your life now. You are about to become a mother!

Also, don't beat yourself up about your depression. I'd put money on your depression going away when you remove this toxic dead weight from your life.

You sound rational, intelligent and sensible (albeit made a bad choice) and believe me, I have made them too - it doesn't make you a crappy person.

You alone are ENOUGH for your son.
There is a better life waiting round the corner for you.
Just take the first step...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now