Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Telling ex you have met someone new

(28 Posts)
BumDNC Tue 17-Jan-17 18:38:27

I have been wondering about this the other thread prompted me to ask for advice.

History: split from DC father in 10 years ago. He's had 2 GF's, has a child now with the last GF who he lives with. I like her she's lovely. I buy child presents and always make a fuss when I do DC drop off pick up etc. He did not tell me about any of these GF or the baby I found out via the DC who are now teens.

I have had about 2 partners in this time, 2 of who have met kids. Didn't work out (I made bad partner choices and have learnt my lesson!) and ex wasn't very nice to me during these relationships or after.

Ex and I had a bad split but he's mellowed now and we are very civil. Not friends but don't argue - because I don't rock the boat. I've been single for about 7 or so years I think.

I have a BF now and we are getting to meeting kids stage. Ex doesn't know. DC don't want me to tell him but this now feels like lying by omission although ex hates having these conversations with me and to my face will just say 'ok whatever' the DC worry he will quiz them and ask a ton of questions and make them feel awkward.

So DC are happy for me, want to meet BF, he's a nice guy but don't want me to tell ex although he is bound to find out. I want to do what DC are comfy with (and I am sure me being single forever would suit the lot of them hmm) but I also have to do the right thing with ex.

Do I just tell him? Face to face or via text? Let him find out via DC?

Ilovecaindingle Tue 17-Jan-17 18:51:31

Just text him. No confrontation-and no way do you have to explain anything to him or justify yourself. Tell him when the kids have met bf - let the kids make up their own minds about bf before ex can put negative thoughts into their heads.
And yes you do deserve a life after divorce too!!

BumDNC Tue 17-Jan-17 19:01:26

They are too old now and stroppy minded to listen to anything he has to say anyway, they just don't want the hassle of interrogation

Thanks I think I will just text him about it when I need to

AhYerWill Tue 17-Jan-17 19:06:03

I wouldn't tell him, because it sounds like a)he'll be an arse about it b)it's none of his business and c) he hasn't bothered keeping you in the loop about vastly more significant things like your dc having a new sibling.

Chloe84 Tue 17-Jan-17 19:06:22

I agree, you should text ex when DC have met DP.

Hopefully your ex will get bored of interrogating your DC.

Chasingsquirrels Tue 17-Jan-17 19:07:04

I don't see why you should feel the need to tell him, nor to avoid mentioning it.

I don't remember telling ex about my new partner, I did tell ex that new partner was moving in, and that we were getting married (although the kids had already told him and I only mentioned it due to other issues).

TheNaze73 Tue 17-Jan-17 19:26:30

Just go for it.

Ellisandra Tue 17-Jan-17 20:29:33

I've never reported in to my XH about having a boyfriend - including the two that have met my child. None of his business.
Similarly, I had no problem with finding out he had a GF via my child.
Don't tell him.

PaterPower Tue 17-Jan-17 21:38:40

Do whatever suits you best. He didn't bother to tell you about GF(s) so why should you tell him about new P?

BumDNC Tue 17-Jan-17 23:39:47

I wasn't sure if it would be tit for tat - he didn't tell me so I didn't tell him.

He's a massive arse when he wants to be and I don't want to be accused via DC of being dishonest or anything. He has the memory and intelligence of a twig so won't remember he didn't bother to tell me about his GF's moving in or having a baby with her

I'm actually happy for him and she's a good influence although I think she is bonkers for wanting to be with him I would never tell her that!

Oh and it's unlikely he will make any of the effort I have with his GF with my BF but I am prepared for that

forumdonkey Wed 18-Jan-17 07:42:28

Why do you feel you need to tell him? Not his business unless you plan to move him in. Your DC's are teens now and happy to meet him so what does your ex have to do with it?

Itsseweasy Wed 18-Jan-17 08:31:18

It's none of his business! Why would you even tell him??

bestofboth Wed 18-Jan-17 08:40:14

Don't tell him. If he asks the kids if you're in a relationship just tell them to say yeah and nothing more. Not being funny but you've split now. Just because you have children doesn't mean you have to update this man on your personal life. It's got nothing to do with him

mrssapphirebright Wed 18-Jan-17 09:20:12

How old are your dc? you say teens, i'd say in that case, unless you are thinking of moving new man in then its really none of his business. Its not like at your dc age this new man is going to be any kind of father figure etc.

keekaw Wed 18-Jan-17 09:21:45

Don't tell him. You are way overthinking this. Just introduce your nice kids to your nice man.

jojo2916 Wed 18-Jan-17 09:38:06

Just tell him, it amazes me how considerate and caring some people are to ex's , they are ex for a reason so I'd mention it so he is informed on what's going on in his kids lives but really wouldn't give it a second thought other than that.

jojo2916 Wed 18-Jan-17 09:45:25

Oh and I do think a partner can be a potential father figure to teenage children but this probably depends a lot on how much of a relationship they have with their dad. My children's dad died 8 years ago and for dd9 my partner is her dad and she has daddy in heaven too , has his photo etc, he's definitely a father figure to ds16 too although if my late dh was still alive and we had split then my new partners relationship with the dc's would not be such a close one I'd imagine.

InfoFreako Wed 18-Jan-17 10:01:25

Tell him via the method you feel most comfortable with.

I hope this current relationship works out (based on what you said about making previous bad partner choices).


mickyblueyes Wed 18-Jan-17 10:10:12

"He's a massive arse" - sounds like his girlfriend won the prize! smile

I tend to agree with the people who say it's none of his business

xStefx Wed 18-Jan-17 10:12:52

You are way overthinking this! You've been split for 10 years and kids are teenagers. No need to tell him

876TaylorMade Wed 18-Jan-17 10:39:52

Why do you feel the need to tell an Ex about your new partner???

Hissy Wed 18-Jan-17 13:20:32

I don't think you owe him any explanation. Telling him is akin to seeking his approval.

Focus on your DC, they are the ones here who really matter, let the introduction happen and don't make too much of a big deal of it. By the time Ex finds out, the response is 'Yeah, we met him AGES ago, so..?' then they need to know that he has NO RIGHT to interrogate them and they won't answer his questions, cos it's not a problem.

there is no basis for him to accuse anyone of being dishonest, purely because he has no right to be kept informed on your life. He's not got a right to honesty or consideration in the first place. quite simply, your life is none of Exs business.

BumDNC Wed 18-Jan-17 13:51:41

I only feel the need because he can be an arse so I thought it might pre-empt any difficulties. I don't really want to have the conversation. I was conflicted as I see such different opinions on the boards about people upset they weren't told things or that it's none of their business so just want to try do the right thing.

Mainly though, I don't want kids to feel they are hiding something and wondered if I should take the pressure and worry off them by just coming out with it. Currently DC are happy to just never tell him anything and have that separate lives thing - that's ok in one sense but would he feel aggrieved to discover in a year I had some 'secret man' no one told him about? I don't have anything to hide - learnt my lesson about dating twats years back and been single since. new bloke deffo not a twat in my humble opinion but I would like to continue to have a civil understanding between us so was just canvassing opinions.

I have teen girls which I think in his little minute mind could be the type to worry about peedos and me letting all kinds of riff raff in. Exes were twats in the sense of lazy selfish twats not dangerous twats. I'm also not going to go leaving my girls with a man they hardly know. No intention of moving in with him or anyone at all until they leave home anyway

Hissy Wed 18-Jan-17 16:50:53

He can feel as aggrieved as he likes... that's his choice. He has no "right" to know anything about your life, as you know nothing about his.

Your kids aren't lying, they know it's nothing to do with him, and if and when he finds out, so what?

You can remind him you're split up over 10years ago, that he has had new relationships and kids and none of it is any business of yours

You were not asked to approve his choice of girlfriend, and rightly so, and he doesn't get to have an opinion or say on your life either.

BumDNC Wed 18-Jan-17 19:22:47

This is not what will happen as in he won't come to me annoyed, he will do it through the kids. If he's pissed off with me he won't tell me to my face. I am pretty sure he won't like there being a boyfriend however nice he is but instead of keeping this to himself he will make snide comments to kids and ask them things. Which is why they would rather just keep him out of it. Looking back at this now it's probably just better we don't say anything and if it comes up deal with it then

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: