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Dating someone with depression

(7 Posts)
Saltfish Tue 17-Jan-17 17:59:18

Thoughout the course of my life I seem to have dated a lot of people with mental health problems..BPD, bipolar, depression..etc...it was exhausting.

I am currently dating someone really lovely who struggles with depression and anxiety. It is very early days...she is very thoughtful and probably the most caring and considerate person I've dated thus far. She's a real gem...I think her depression and anxiety stem from losing her mother at a young age and losing her father 2 years ago.
I guess my point is how can I be supportive when I am just so burnt out on dealing with mental health issues from previous partners? I'm trying to be understanding but from past experiences I feel like it's just left a really bad taste in my mouth. I actually really dislike myself for feeling this way as she's so lovely.
I guess I'm feeling hypervigilant and wondering deep down if this is a red flag or I'm just being paranoid...

debbs77 Tue 17-Jan-17 18:09:09

I asked a similar question a few weeks ago and was unanimously told to not get involved.

However, I did walk away but he maintained contact. In the end we talked and we agreed on a code word. So if he was having a 'bad' day, he would text me the word and I'd know what was going on. It's worked well and actually, he hasn't had to use it

Saltfish Tue 17-Jan-17 18:16:10

I guess I'm failing to see why some people with mental health problems that need a lot of space want to be in relationships? I know it's nothing personal though...

Sorry if I've missed something but did you get back together?

debbs77 Tue 17-Jan-17 18:29:43

We are still seeing each other but still early days....about 3 months? Going well so far

InTheMoodForLove Tue 17-Jan-17 18:36:18

debbs77 I remember your post. I am glad that you find a simple but effective way to deal with it. This way it takes away the pressure and self doubt when the person withdrawn.

I know exactly how it is like, I have been there [may be I still am] My friends learnt to see when my silence was a bit too long and send me msg like "cat got your tongue?' or "have you fallen off the edge of the world again". They made me smile and after a deep breath I would pick up the phone and make contact.

I also used to text, sorry bad day if I didn't pick up phone or similar.

OP only you can answer the question why do you keep engaging with people who to some extent are not completely available. On the other hand you would not discriminate if someone had irritable bowl syndrome. Depression doesn't make a person automatically bad or unworthy

MeadowHay Tue 17-Jan-17 18:36:42

I have MH problems (mainly depression which at the moment is generally mild and stable but was severe in the past, and moderate-severe anxiety) and Asperger's Syndrome. DH doesn't although has had small bouts of anxiety before. I'm not really sure what you want people to say tbh. My DH is very patient, very caring...it is a lot for him. I'm not really sure why he does it. He does a lot of looking after me which he had to juggle with his degree and now work (although I'm doing better now than before so it's a bit less of a burden). It just depends whether you think they/it is worth it or not I guess. But I definitely think it's a valid reason to leave someone or not get involved etc because it is hard, it is tiring, and you do need to look after yourself first and your own health and wellbeing.

AhYerWill Tue 17-Jan-17 19:17:39

Would it be worth going to councelling yourself to explore why you keep finding yourself in relationships with this dynamic? If you're feeling burnt out, it sounds like you're giving more of yourself to people than you can sustain. A good counsellor should be able to help you learn to establish healthy boundaries.

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