Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Like buses. HELP(82 Posts)
I have got my self in a huge relationship pickle and don't no what to do.
I am a single parent. My marriage ended over a year ago with my wife walking out on me and the kids for another man. I have spent a long time revaluating life, the nature of relationships and exploring the world again. Anyway I have done a lot of figuring out and soul searching (as some as you may know). And had some wild adventure too. I have come to a stage that although I wish to maintain my independence I am looking for a more meaningful relationship. Something a bit more than causal encounters and FWB I have made.
So before Christmas I got it on with a girl from work at the Christmas party. We said we would go out on a date. She is sexy, fun and great to talk to. I was excited. Someone in the same situation looking for the same thing. Down side is she doesn't live in the same city but not too far away. Anyway I text her after new years and no reply so obviously I had been blown out the water.
Anyway I been on a little coffee date this morning with someone I got chatting to on OLD just before Christmas. Very much in the same situation as me and likewise looking for a chilled relationship. She is stunning, very beautiful and cleaver and intelligent. We share a lot of the same values. The date was hardly fireworks, great conversation but didn't feel much spark. So I wasn’t sure at first. But then at the end I got a real genuine feel that she would like to meet again. Defiantly more of a slow burner but there is interest on both sides. But I have ended up having great relationships with slow burners before. She comes from a fairly traditional Indian family so I not sure if cultural factors may have a part in courtship and to lack of instant flirting. Also I do wonder about sexual compatibility; I am very open minded and adventurous but obviously there would be no way of knowing with her till further down the line. And sexual compatibility is a very important factor in a relationship to me; its a huge part of bonding on a very emotional level.
Then there is a girl I was sleeping with from about 6 months ago from another city. We met on FAB; she has a very sexy aura and we are more sexually compatible than even my ex wife. We just connected and work together perfectly, it is amazing. She is a single parent and we were simply looking for the same at the time. But we connected. She is funny, intelligent and an engineer. It was so cool to meet a fellow electronic and electrical engineering geek. Sounds strange but it is such a turn on to be able to talk to someone who understands engineering. When we first got chatting she understood a geek data connection joke. We work in the same industry (although I in a different capacity). Anyway her job is hard and is a single parent. It all got on top of her as she had to work 100s of miles away during the week. Anyway her job has changed and she has more free time. We got chatting the other day and agreed to see each other again and go on a proper date. Both of us had been thinking about each other over the last few months. Also here the advantage is because we started as fuck buddies (so the speak, hate the term but it was mainly about the sex back then) I know we are sexually compatible. More than anyone I have been with. I don't know why but there was an instant trust between us that is so important. So I don't have to risk weeks of investment to maybe find out we are not compatible.
Anyway I am sure the Gods are playing with me at the moment because on the walk home from my date I got a text from the girl from work. She text me to say sorry she had not text for weeks but she had a serious chest infection (figures why I had not seen her at work). So she had not blown me out after all. Seriously you can write this shit.
So now I have the potential of three beautiful and intelligent women. Each of them different which makes it harder to chose. I like them all in there own way. In an ideal world I could just blend them all together to make the perfect woman for me. But I cant and I have to choose.
WHAT TO DO?
So please don't instantly judge and call me a player or a man-whore, I am not. I agreed to go for a date with the one today only after I thought I had been blown out but the one from work and not realising my engineer friend was open to making it something more. Because of everything going on in our lives it has taken months to get this coffee date today. Then last week engineer comes on the scene and then on the way home the girl from work comes on the scene. Its not a joke and its not funny, seriously like buses and I am stuck.
But it also is the end of my causal phase. A little sad to say good bye to my couple of FWB and playmates. But it’s time for something more emotionally fulfilling. It’s been fun but I am looking for something more.
Do I pick one now with no certainty it will work out and not knowing what it would be like with the others? Or is it ok to go on a date with all of them to make a more informed choice? Has anyone ever dated more than one person in the early stages to help them chose? I don't want to mess anyone around but I do want to make the right choice. I honestly never thought I would be in a position where I would ever have to choose. How do you go about choosing when you like them all?
Or is it ok to go on a date with all of them to make a more informed choice? Has anyone ever dated more than one person in the early stages to help them chose?
Yes, of course it is. That's how dating works! You don't pick one person, you date several casually and then if things go well you have "the chat" about becoming exclusive, once you know you're sexually compatible.
Think about it like a job vacancy. When a company has a position to fill, they don't get one applicant and then remove the advert. They set up interviews with all the suitable candidates, see them all once, invite several back for a second round, then make a final decision.
I know that probably sounds like the least romantic thing ever, but it's completely analogous!
This is totally your decision.
Who did you have the best 'spark' with.
I'd go down that route if it was me.
Keep your options open until you decide but make each of them aware of this.
So before Christmas I got it on...
sounds very Marvin Gaye
Well it should be like friendship on fire.
It should be the person that you fancy the most but also the person you can tell everything to. So you need the spark but you also need to feel like you need no one else.
So yes date them all and then ask yourself this:
If I got off a plane feeling like shit who would I ask to pick me up and look after me?
If I got off a plane having done the deal of my life and want to go party who would I ask?
If one of those "candidates" fits the bill then she's the one I call it the airport test.
At 45 I just met a guy who passes this
Go with the one you'd have an affair with. That's the right answer
Am I the only one who thinks it's not ok to date all three? If you want a relationship with long term potential the "winner" will be devastated to discover she was one of many.
I think you should carry on with your engineer friend, who you know you have a connection with and share interests.
Think you & I'll be in the minority on this happybunny
When I came out of a long marriage & started dating, someone I was seeing, asked if we were exclusive. I'd not heard of that expression before then. Seems to be the done thing these days.
I sound about 84
I think OLD has a lot to answer for. I really don't like the attitude of testing out potential partners while keeping your options open for a better offer. If you feel like that about all three I don't think any of them are suitable and you can't possibly give enough attention to all at once - how uncomfortable when you get the wrong name or slip up about details.
I guess this attitude makes me geriatric too Naze.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket. You're not in a relationship so see where it goes all goes. When I met DP I was dating someone else the other guy wasn't right so when DP asked me out I said yes as we clicked more.
It's all very early days and you'd be a fool to cut your nose off to spite your face.
I think it's ok to go on a couple more dates with all three. I think it would be grim of you to sleep with them all while you decide though.
Happybunny19 this is my dilemma. To me to be dating people at the same time without their knowlage is cheating. Like you said it they found out the would not be happy. But likewise if I told them what I was doing it would probably be game of too. I suppose that's what's at least good with my current sexaul arrangements. They know I see other people and I know they see other people. I don't like to be dishonest.
On the other hand if I put my logic head on when you are shopping for the best product it's best to be able to try before you buy? I am looking for something a bit more serious than fwb so it surely is important to make the right choice? Surely if you like 3 different shirts in shop that you liked you would try all 3 on first to see which suited you best?
It's a case of ethics v common sense.
pocketsaviour although I would not have problem with sexaul try before you buy (have the chat) and them doing the same I think most people would. It makes sense to me but on the whole it's not how society is conditioned to see as proper. I must consider the feeling of whoever I end up picking.
hellsbellsmelons the best spark is with engineer. Maybe it's the explosive sexaul tension and the couple of great nights we spend together. But to be fair see has had a big head start on the others. With work girl we were both drunk although the tension between us started a couple days before the party. She made the effort to come onto me that night. With today's date as I said have the spark was lacking.
debbs77 a lovely offer but I have enough on my plate
loveyoutothemoon who else agrees that if I made them aware of each other that they were in a competition it would likely be game over for me with all of them?
TheNaze73 engineer I would most likely have an affair with although one with work girl would be fun too in a hypothetical world.
I think today's date is probably out the question. She text me to ask how I thought it when and if there was a spark. I told her that there wasn't really but I did like her and I would be willing to go on another date and see how it goes. I hope that doesn't sound harsh but was being honest. Maybe subconsciously I was sabotaging my self? So think despite her being absolutely stunning and a really nice person I just didn't get a spark and not convinced I would on a second date.
I still can't believe work girl texting me. Honestly thought she had blown me out. Glad she is a lot better. I does seem a shame not to give work girl a chance. Plus since I promised her a date before Christmas I would look like a dick if I went back on my word.
I think to go out for dinner or a date with two or three people is fine, even with a kiss. I think it's acceptable for a couple of dates, then you really ought to make a choice. And obviously you don't sleep with them all!
That's fair advise. But the trouble with engineer is that our foundation started with wild sex. It is sort of expected of me. It would come across very strange if I didn't when prompted.
I don't see the problem, it's just unfortunate timing. Crack on with all three and see who falls by the wayside. It may come to nothing with all three.
I'm with HappyBunny, I don't like this new attitude now either. If I was the "winner" and found out it would ruin it for me and I'd probably finish it.
Ditch no 2 for starters? There's no spark. Go on a date with the girl from work ASAP. Then decide between the two quickly. If I found out someone I'd been on a date with was actually sleeping with someone else I wouldn't be going on another, I'd think it was a massive red flag.
I think so. I owe her a date. But I do worry what if I then really like work girl too. I would have to be a big boy and lose one of them. In a way hopefully sober and not horny (think we both were at the party) there may not be a spark too? I think deep down engineer is the one that makes my heart race. Plus i think we have far more in common intellectualy and in the bedroom. But maybe it would be stupid not to see what work girl is like because I do genuinely like her too and interested to find out more about her. We had a good conversation at the party and I realised there is more to her. Unfortunately today's date that I think is out the game is the only non smoker. But that's not a deal breaker.
It's all very new to me as I was married in my early 20s. I have only recently had the confidence to realise that I am actually a good catch (not wanting to sound big headed) and people do want to date me.
I think you should just concentrate on the engineer, from your latest post. You sound as though you like her a lot and should try that avenue, and that one only, first. The lady from work isn't as keen as she seemed if she didn't reply at all for two weeks. Even if ill most people would send some kind of message if they liked someone. Perhaps she had her own engineer somewhere!
I did think that. Likewise personally it wouldn't have bothered me if she had been trying before she bought with another potential. I couldn't blame her for such logic but most of us tend to have a real problem with that sort of brutal honesty. Truly people don't want to see the world warts and all.
Maybe a half way house with work girl? Maybe leave the ball in her court and see is she chases a date with me? If she wants me let her chase me? If she don't them I can easily cross her off.
As for today's date an update. She agreed the sparks didn't fly today but really likes me. She want to try a second date. I do very much like her openness, intelligence and honesty. I have a hell of a lot of respect for her. But is that the same as attraction? Although I can't lie if she said take me right now I fancy her enough to go ok. There is mental attraction. Plus looks wise simply she is hot. Although looks are not a massive thing to me. Looks can't talk to you, looks can't engage your mind or read you or make you laugh. But of course biology naturally draws you to hot people so I guess it's a factor. She also told me she would be moving away in summer that's why she was after a loyal exclusive causal relationship. Basically a relationship with a use by date. This is don't mind but what if it was at the cost of a good longer term relationship?
For the record I don't want a wife or someone who will one day want to move in together and merge family. I want a relationship with someone who also wants to keep their independence. Engineer is cool with this. Obviously I don't know what work girl wants from life. If I dated her I would need to get the gist of her long term plans. Maybe that would prove a handy deal breaker for me. Because I know a lot of 30 somethings would like to be married or cohabit some day.
Well done to work girl on making it as far as boot camp & judges houses
Sounds like engineer has won the day. Hope she makes it through the live performances.
(If you've never watched X factor, you'll think, I'm on the sniff!)
So there are 3 women.
Your first words to describe each were:
- Stunning, very beautiful
- Sexy aura
I suggest if you have decided that you want an actual committed full relationship instead of FWB, you start actually focusing on personality.
And yes, personality can be a part of what makes you find someone sexy, not just the physical, but I've noticed on previous threads that you are always seem to be talking about looks before anything else.
That is probably why the engineer who you actually seem to have some kind of connection with beyond sex isn't standing out for you the way she is for several PP.
Time to stop thinking with your dick?
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.