Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Shall I move out(18 Posts)
After almost 7 years of marriage I have finally decided to leave my h. The catalyst was a discussion we had about 2 weeks ago. He is basically going through some strange mid life crisis and whats to make drastic changes to our life. I basically realised I didnt love him enough to accomodate him pursuing his 'dreams' especially if it disadvantaged our children and I.
There has been a history of emotional abuse on his part in the relationship. He has twice threatened to leave me to get me to do something I was unwilling to do. At that time the thought of separating or divorcing was the worst thing possible now I really feel nothing.
Anyway my eldest dc just started reception and is in a good school in the area we live in. I am planning to apply for jobs and find accommodation closer to my parents as I only moved to where we live now for my h and dont particularly want to stay near him. I have told my h I plan to be out by July.
My family hate my h and want me to leave right now. But Im worried it will be too destabilising for my children especially my reception age ds. I would have to move in with my parents in another city. My son will not have a school place initially plus Im not ready yet to explain to him what is happening. I want my children to enjoy the last couple of months we will be living in this town and with their dad. Plus my siblings live at home with my parents and one in particular I really dont get along well with and I will be too emotionally charged to deal with her as an adult if she gives me grief.
I dont feel threatened by my h but he is doing his utmost to change my mind so they are worried I will go back on my decision. They think the only way I can have a future with him is if he changes and for him to change he needs to see the error of his ways pronto by me dramatically moving out. He will never leave so thats not even on the table. In an ideal world I would like to stay together and for him to change his emotionally abusive behaviour, be more supportive and involved and generally just grow up but Im 30 my kids are 4 and 2 and Im not wasting any more time waiting for him to see the error of his ways.
Do you think I should move out now or wait until July.
What about not having a home, a school place for my son and a job? I hate instability and uncertainty and like to have a plan. I dont currently work so have been dependent on my dh financially. I am a teacher so can get back on my feet relatively quickly but I dont want to live with my family and will need help from dh initially to pay for deposits etc.
How long do you think the atmosphere at home will remain happy, once he realises you're not going to back down and give in?
I think you'd be healthiest moving now. I know your DS has only just started but children are far more adaptable than we give them credit for, and in reception it's not like he's learning things that are crucial for exam success, if you know what I mean.
Would your family be able to help you with a deposit for a rental? Given your H's history of EA it doesn't seem likely that he would be cooperative about this.
H is in denial at the moment and is trying to scare/guilt trip me in to staying. He is being very nice right now in the hopes it will change my mind.
My ds is quite sensitive and i worry a sudden change will make him more anxious then necessary.
Plus the area where I grew up and my parents still live is not the best area. I worry my options of school places will be limited to the schools that are not satisfactory. If he even gets a school place at all. I know I will just end up feeling really depressed living back in my parents home, with no job and my ds having to stay at home with me watching TV all day.
If you don't plan to stay in the area that you are in now then moving whilst the DC are younger seems like the kindest thing however moving a distance will surely impact their relationship with the Dad?
I will be moving to another city but its only an hour maximum away. Usually takes only 40 minutes or so to travel there. However I worry that he will be the type who has the attitude out of sight out of mind. His family also live in the same city as my parents and he rarely ever visits them or takes the children to see them. He just doesnt consider anything as important as his own sense of accomplishment and achievements.
For those who had to continue living with their soon to exh/p for a while before they separated permanently, how did you manage it? Did you try to maintain normalcy or did you just ignore each other etc? I am trying to keep it amicable at the moment as I dont want to make this process more bitter or fractious then it needs to be but a part of me feels like maybe Im giving my h an easy time. He has been bullying me for a long time but now Im numb that I dont even feel angry. I just want it to end and be able to restart my life.
I'm sorry that you are in this situation OP, but I really think that you should strike whilst the iron is hot, and go now.
You will have the support of your family, and will soon be back on your feet.
Don't delay the agony. I wish you all the very best. 💐
I agree. Its a 'No gain without pain', scenario unfortunately o/p. A little bit of pain now translates into real gain six to twelve months down the line.
You've already stated that you're at the end of the line with the relationship, hanging on because of schools, upsetting people and all the rest of it is just basic avoidance tactics in my opinion.
Your children are very young. This gives you a huge advantage because you can make sure that from the moment you leave, you are working to give them the happy home life and stability missing in their lives and your life.
Yes, it will be difficult to begin with but put that to one side and focus on the future. Check out Women's Aid and Entitled To for information on your legal rights and benefit entitlement. You can do this.
don't do what i'm doing. 10 months and still here. STBXH guilt tripping galore and now bullying. It's fucking awful. Quick, clean break. I wish I'd had the guts to do it.
I also moved for his work, away from family and friends. But I can't go back, kids are now 10 and 12. Yours are so small, they will adapt really easily.
Thanks for the advice everyone. I think I'm going to look in to moving by half term. He is promising things will change and I am almost tempted to give him a chance but part of me just shrivels at the thought of staying. I will be settling for the sake of my kids. However I'm just so scared my decisions will have negative consequences on my children. I want all the best things in life for them but I'm worried I will be setting them up for a rocky road in life living without their dad.
Do not keep on using avoidance tactics; rip the plaster off.
What do you want to teach your children about relationships and if you were to stay with him, what lessons would they learn?.
Staying for the children is rarely if ever a good idea, it teaches them as well that a loveless marriage is their norm too.
Your children will thank you in the long run for teaching them positive and life affirming lessons on relationships. Settling for this from this man (better the devil you know) is no legacy to leave them.
I think the fact your family hate him says it all really.
But this is YOUR decision.
You need to think about where you want to live, both in terms of affordability, the area, and a school for the children. Will you be able to find work there? Do you intend to find work immediately?
I can't see any reason to move out and move to your parents' house. If you don't get on with your sibling that would make you very unhappy, and that'll have a knock on effect on the children.
The thing is that there's no point looking at the local school if you don't intend your child to go there. Get that sorted first.
I understand that jumping into the unknown is scary- I've done it myself- but once he realises you can't be persuaded to stay he'll be hell to live with. The things you list against leaving straight away are relatively minor and all short term. No, it won't be much fun living with a sibling you don't get on with, but at least you'll be moving forward. You're kids are at a good age to adapt to this change. You can house hunt and job hunt at your leisure.
I'm sorry you're in this position OP. I'm in a similar one myself, and was beginning to feel 'guilty' as OH has been trying today while I've been at work he's been making more effort at home.
I've got a couple of feelers our for a flat / house at the moment - waiting to hear back from landlords as one is a bit small so needs consent and the other is being re-decorated at the moment. I'll keep it in mind I need to make this clean break and guilty feelings are smoke that will pass. Thanks other posters your words were what I needed to hear. My 3 DD's already know something is up as they saw me crying last night - even my usually self centred 12 year old asked me what had upset me and if I was ok just now when i got in from work.
Sorry to hijack.
Thanks for the replies. It's been interesting reading.
I don't know where I want to live right now to be honest other than I don't want to live near my ex. I think it would be better to be close to my parents just because I could get help with childcare. I do want to work but I'm not ready for a full time job yet. I am looking for part time work. I don't like the area where my family live but I like the city so I'm wondering whether it is better to live close to them in the short term and risk ds going to a school that I won't want him to stay in or should I move to a nicer area more affordable but further away. I have never lived on my own so am a bit nervous about that as well.
Sorry that your in this position too porffor
Join the discussion
Please login first.